What more could I have asked for. For someone like me, I'm way to lucky to have Louis by my side. I still don't understand though why he is still with me. I mean look at me.
Ugly messy curls, weird green eyes and for a guy I blush a lot and the worst part are the stupid marks on my body.

The dirty dirty scars. But I can never forget the peace those marks brought me when I was hurt. They calmed me when everyone around me was killing me inside. They are my secret saviours. Even Louis doesn't know about them and I cannot keep it a secret for long. One day he will find out and I'm not very eager for that day to come because that day he would know the kind of freak I am to leave me behind.

I haven't spoken to him properly yet but he has seen me in my most vulnerable forms. He has held me close when I needed him in these last 10 months and I still haven't opened up to him yet, but I will. I will now. I promised myself.

Louis deserves better but if he's going to stick around I'm going to give the best I can, though it can never be good enough to what he deserves.

I walked up to Louis where he was seated on the couch. Normally I would sit a little away from him, but not today. I sat on the couch and slowly wrapped my arms around him. I'm still not sure if he would be alright with me touching him, although he says I can do whatever I want and shouldn't be scared of him, but the past experiences don't help.

Louis looked shocked for a moment, but a huge grin spread on his face. He did not say anything about it and I was grateful for that. It was a new feeling to touch someone and them not touching you back without hitting you. It felt good to be wrapped around someone's arm, their warmth, their comfort. It was peaceful. Everything I could ever ask for until...

"Hazza, if it's alright with you, will you tell about the marks on your arms ? If you want to, that is love. I already know about your past but is it a part of it or much earlier ? Love it's alright if you're not comfortable with it" Louis said and I  stopped breathing. Everything around me stopped for a moment.

"Harry deep breaths baby. Deep breaths." Louis calmed me as if he was a part of my body, knowing exactly what I needed. His voice brought me back to reality. I wanted to tell him about the scars and I want to let Louis in, so there is no choice but to tell him. I will tell him not because I have to, but because I want to.

"I-I w-was.. Umm I was bullied at sc-school at first. All the b-boys said that I was we-weird and I should di-die and they said that I was a fa-faggot and that pe-people like m-me are the reason why there is hat-hatred around the wo-world. They said I was the re-reason why my p-parents were not in love and that's w-why they be-beat me. The vo-voices said that it was all tr-true and that ev-everything they said was tr-true. They told m-me that I am u-ugly enough already, a few ma-marks won't make a-any d-difference." I said between sobs and that was the most I've spoken in my entire life.

Louis held me tight. I buried my face in his chest. My tears were ruining his shirt. I quickly pulled back. "What's wrong love ?" Louis asked me worried. I thought he'd be angry. I put my head down and said my apology.

"I'm sorry. I ruined your shirt again" I always do that when I cry. I know one day he is going to punish me for it. But Louis pulled out his arms and held me against his chest again.

"Harry, love I've told you many a times that it does not matter. You are more important to me than a stupid little shirt. Baby, it's alright." Louis said and I felt at peace. I relaxed into his touch.

"Love ? You haven't um.. You haven't done any of that lately have you ?" Louis asked and I knew what he meant. I shook my head because the last time I cut myself was when I lived with my parents. Since I moved in with Louis, I never needed any of that.

Louis hummed in response and in minutes, I was asleep with the peaceful music of Louis' heartbeat.

×××××××××××××××

After yesterdays' talk, I knew Louis is the one I want to be around for the rest of my life. No I'm not going to propose him because I know he would obviously say no, because let's be honest, who would want to be with someone like me. But today I was going to say those three words back to Louis which he would tell to me every single day. Today, I was going to tell Louis that I love him.

Louis went to work and he would be back in half an hour, so I got dressed up for him and went out to buy the keychain I ordered to made for Lou. It's been a while since I've been outside the house and it feels kind of different. It feels as though the world has changed and has become a place where everyone is happy.

With all the money I had collected by working jobs when I lived with my parents before they kicked me out, I made Lou a small keychain that read "Always In My Heart, Forever And Always. I Love You.", a rose and a small card. I know, just for saying I love you, I'm going too far but this is kind of a big deal for me.

It was getting dark and it has been past 2 hours since Louis would have been home but due to snowfall all the roads were blocked so travelling by a bus became difficult. I decided to walk the rest of the way home. It was snowing pretty bad but I'll reach home soon to the warmth of Louis' arms.

It took me almost an hour to walk back home because of all the heavy snowing. I kept the gift bag clutched tight to my chest, not wanting it to be ruined by the snow. I reached for the door and it was unlocked. Weird. Louis never left the door unlocked. He must be tired. I should get in quick. He must be really hungry and I didn't cook anything today.

" Lou ? I'm home !" I said loud enough to be heard but there was no reply. I walked around and checked in the kitchen but he wasn't there either. Is he gone out ? I check the bathroom downstairs but he wasn't there either. I walked up the stairs to check the bedroom. The door was unlocked.

Of course he was in the room, must be working. He works a lot. He should cut down on the work a bit, it's affecting him a little too much. I don't like to see him so tired.

"Lou, I'm ho-" I walked into the room to a sight of a naked Louis on top of a naked girl underneath him, moaning out in pleasure.

I stopped in my tracks. Louis seemed to stop his actions as well. I just stood there not knowing what to do. Not aware of my actions, I ran down the stairs, the gift back dropped down at the door.

I ran out of the house, not knowing what to do, tears running down my cheeks like a river. It became difficult for me to run as the heavy snowing was now turned into a storm. I couldn't see anything in front of me, tears not helping either.

I saw the alleyway where most of my childhood was spent, near me. I walked towards the alley and sat down, curling into a ball. I should've known. What stupid part of me thought Louis was actually going to love me. I do love him though, I sincerely do.

Of course you do, but he doesn't love your disgusting ass. Who ever would ?

The voice was back. I covered my ears with my hands not wanting to listen to them but they won't go away and I could feel myself losing and I don't think I have enough courage to fight them back. But I know Lou still loves me. Am I allowed to call him that anymore, after I failed him miserably.

You are not allowed to call him that. You are not even allowed to breath you scumbag.

I knew I was never good enough. Why did I ever think he would be happy with me. I could never provide to his needs. I can never be good enough.

Yes you are not good enough. Never were, never will be.

Even after hearing that every single day of my life, by my parents and the voice itself, I still couldn't process that, now could I ? How could I be so stupid. Of course he needs someone better. He deserves someone better not a pathetic 18 year old who hears voices in his head, cuts himself, was abused by his parents and is not or ever will be good enough.

I am so stupid.

So so stupid. Why would I ruin Louis' life like that by being by his side. Thank God I ran away, why would he even think of living with a disgusting person like me.

Because he pities your dirty ass. He is a good person which you are not.

I could feel my tears almost freezing on my cheeks. It's cold out here.

And you deserve to be here, you pathetic excuse of a human.

I tried to curl myself more, to find the most of heat I could or to just run away from the voice. I could feel coldness rising up my body.

Huh might as well just die here.

That does sound like a good option but I don't think I can move even a muscle. I just lay there, letting the cold consume my body, letting the image of Louis and the girl play in my mind, letting the darkness take over me.

××××××××××××

Black.

That's all I see.

Darkness.

That's all I see.

Numbness.

Is all I feel.

I cannot see anything. I don't know where I am. I stand up from my position on the ground and see nothing but darkness. It feels.. Surprisingly it feels somewhat comforting, this darkness. It feels as though there is nothing and sometimes feeling nothing is what you need.

I started walking in a random direction, not knowing where I was going. I just kept walking it was starting to feel a little suffocating. I couldn't breath. I need to go somewhere. Somewhere away from here. There's nothing here but darkness, and it does not feel very pleasing anymore.

I walked for what felt like hours and lost hope. I just lost it. I fell down on my knees and sobbed. That's all I did. I just sobbed in my hands, and that's  when I felt the warmth. It was different. Not the hotness of my surrounding, but warmth. I looked up to see a bright light.

I've never felt such joy, peace and happiness looking at something or someone other than... Louis.

Yes Louis.

I have to get out of here for Louis. He must be tired after he came back home. Must be hungry I did not make him a meal. I remember what happened but he shouldn't suffer for something which was caused because of me.

The adrenaline kicked in and I ran. I ran towards the light. I ran until the white turned into the slightest shade of blue and I heard voices and shuffling.

Where was I ?

Suddenly the plain blue around me turned into an entirely different scene of a hospital room, where I lay still. My eyes were wide open. I've never been more happier to be alive. I felt like I've seen death from close but I don't know if that was death or just me passing out. But passing out never felt more realistic.

"Mr. Styles can you see me ?" A man wearing a doctor's coat, asked me. I couldn't find my voice so I just nodded.

"Great. Now tell me do you feel my touch" The doctor whose name tag read, Mark said, while touching my hands. I nodded yet again. His hands went down, as he touched different parts of my body. I don't understand what is happening but I just kept nodding. He then checked my tongue and my eyes, heart rate and everything we to be checked.

"Very well Mr. Styles. Now would you please say something so that we make sure your vocal chords are not harmed" he asked. I nodded and tried to say something but nothing came out. All that could be heard, were nothing but quite gasps of me trying to speak.

The doctor nodded his head, writing down something on his clip board.

"Mr. Styles it seems you've temporary lost your voice and it is very normal in these cases. It would take maximum a week for it to return. Until then you need to have bed rest. " the doctor said with a small smile on his face.

"You can go home tomorrow." The doctor said before leaving.

Home.

Louis.

Where is he ? How did I get here ? I was so happy being alive that I did not pay attention to the fact that how did I get here and where was he ?

I turned my face to let the green meet blue. It was exactly the same feeling I felt when I looked into his eyes for the first time ever, but this time, it had red surrounding them, as if he had been crying for ages. I couldn't help but frown. He was sitting right beside. Out of nowhere I just..

"L-Louis" his face was shocked and so was mine. He had tears in his eyes and so did mine. He took my hand ever so gently in his. He went to say something but I cut him off.

"Louis d-did y-you eat an-anything ?"I asked. I really was concerned. I hope it hasn't been much long since I went to "sleep". I don't want him to be hungry.

Out of nowhere, Louis began weeping on my hand. Did I say something wrong ? Should I not have said that ? Did he really not eat anything ?

"L-Lou I'm s-sorry. I'll prepare a n-nice m-meal as s-soon as w-we get home. That i-is if y-you want me b-back. Its a-alright if you d-don't. I u-understand. I h-have ruine-" I was cut off by a huge body slamming with my own. He sobbed placing his face in my neck. My body ached horribly but I did not utter a word. I did say something wrong, now didn't I ? I always do.

"L-lou I-"

"I'm sorry. Hazza I'm really really sorry. I am an awful human being. I'm really really sorry. I-I " He said. Why was he apologizing when its my fault I didn't fulfill his needs ? Its my fault I wasn't enough ? Why is he apologizing ?

"N-no Louis don't a-apologize. It's n-not y-your fau- " I was about to complete my sentence when Louis placed his finger on my lips.

"Shh Hazza, let's just get you home and then we can talk about it later. I can talk to the doctor about discharging you early." Louis said. A small blush crept up on my cheeks. I nodded while he moved forward and kissed my forehead ever so gently.

Louis went out and in a few hours we were on our way home. Louis parked the car in driveway and opened my door for me. He took my hand in his while holding me by my waist, but still maintaining the distance. He unlocked the door and the warmth of the house welcomed me back.

We walked in and Louis told me to freshen up a bit and get to the couch so that we could eat our take outs. He offered help but I denied. I walked to the bathroom. I took a warm shower to loosen my muscles a bit. After drying my hair and putting some clothes on I walked out to the living room to see that Louis had placed the food on the center table and had brought a blanket along, placed on the side of the couch. A small smile took over my face.

I walked towards him and sat down on the couch, Louis sitting right beside me. He handed me my plate of pasta and we ate in silence.

Soon we were both done and placed our plates on the centre table. After sitting there awkwardly for a while I decided to start the conversation.

I looked towards the floor not having the courage to look up and said, "Louis look I'm very sorry I left like that. I shouldn't have done that. I should've seen it coming and I'm sorry it happened. Also I'm sorry for not preparing a meal before I left. I knew you would be hungry and I didn't even prepare a proper meal. I promise tonight I'd make a ni-" I was about to say something when I looked up to see a shocked expression on Louis' face as if he saw a puppy getting an injection. I stopped.

"Louis a-are you alright ? Should I get you so-"

"Harry are you crazy !?!" I was cut off again but this time there were tears rising in my eyes. I looked back at the floor.

"I-I'm so-"

"Hazza no !?!" Again. But this time Louis moved closer to me and held my cheeks in his hands. I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Harry I cheated on you. I fooking cheated on you. I should be the one apologizing, not you love." I raised my eyes to look him in his, letting the green meet blue, blush creeping its way up on my cheeks at the name.

"Harry, baby, I cheated on you. You should be angry at me right now. I belong to you. I'm yours, and if I do anything wrong you have the right to scold my fooking ass off love. You shouldn't be the one apologizing love, it should be me" Louis said, and I still don't understand. Why in the world would I scold Louis when he was the reason I was still alive ?

"Louis I don't think you did anything wrong. I was.. I was not good enough to provide to your needs. I was not good enough to provide you the pleasure you need. I understand that it's my fault I couldn't do my job right, I couldn't keep you happy and you had to find a way to provide to your needs that is why you did... what you did. I understand and it's okay.. " I said with my gaze down.

"No.. No.. No.. Hazza this is not right. Oh god no. This is nowhere near being your fault baby. It's my job to know when and how you are comfortable. It will always be your choice baby and I'm willing to wait as long as you want and I don't care if it takes a century for you to be comfortable. And as far as my needs go, I don't care. It was a mistake Haz. Look I'm not going to give you any excuses because you are worth more than some stupid excuses. All I can do right now is apologize. So Hazza I'm really sorry this happened. It should have never happened and it's MY fault and not yours so please never blame yourself for anyone else's mistake. I'm sorry for everything that happened and I promise I will make it up to you. I will make you realise how much worth you really are baby. Now it's in your hands to forgive me or not and I completely understand if you don't want to forgive me. I ju-"

I couldn't think or hear anymore because as courageous as it sounds, I crashed my lips on his own. This being my first I had no idea what to do, so I just stayed still until Lou's lips began to move and I moved mine to match the rhythm he created.

He pulled back, with a new shine in  eyes I've never seen before. This time I am not going to miss my chance and said what I was wanting to say for the longest time. I looked deep into Lou's eyes before muttering a small,

"I love you Lou" a tear escaped his eye before he replied.

"I love you too Haz."

He took my hand in his own before placing it on his chest. I could feel the loud thumpingof his heart.

"Always in my heart"

"Forever and Always"

The End.