It was 7:45pm when I felt that dizzy elephant inside my head , I've felt my breaths becoming deeper and so on my emotions cannot bring me the joy to fulfil that simple nightfall , I've took my book few pages were left to its end  , I prepared my coffee thus my mind will mark the events more carefully. My nightfall with a cup of coffee , an open book and a dizzy elephant who wanted to fall as a shooting star laying there on my usual place beside my small library lefted by my father , gulping my hot coffee while turning the last papers reading under lines the pains that was kept inside the writer's pen and the sorrow that was stocked inside his mind, could a human carry all the miserable memories : dead parents, suiciding mom ; an abandoned child it was an escaping hope for him
Reading it , doesn't took more than 3 minutes , till my dizzy elephant became louder and heavier I couldn't take that no more I was completely near my tops pains , I've moved my hand so hardly till I can help on myself ,so I can get up go find out what is about , I've stand up in the front of the mirror and I saw how old I became , I've noticed those wrinkles all over my face and my hands , I used to have those beautiful hazal eyes and the soft skin and now all I get is their traces , I stand up strongly so I can't fall , I help on falling , I'm resisting pain but this pain had swim over all my body , all I could feel is the sweat that makes my ground has the tensions to turn into a sea so I cannot get sweat again , all I can do is to drow in that deep blue sky's reflction, set all my wars free and ending up all the conflicts so I can feel my own lost for one first time , lost in my own home feeling strange for once and had the honour to finally ask WHO AM I ? ,  SO quickly my unhelpful thoughts had helped my ach to beat me faster I've felt betrayed by my own the moments I remembered letting him , thinking that it wasn't right for me to taste the sweet visions , I still remember till now that I couldn't  build a family, I couldn't taste the life and its joy  and that turns back to my wildest fears that had cross my highest trances so I ended up lonely vandalizing the storms saying those words had made my emptiness became full and my fate turned to be without a view . so here my paper had felt, the day I gave up on hoping is the day I gave up on life, that reflected on my back so I focused In work trying to invest my body in the won but all I had won is that win face on . Being happy was my highest hope but I've been praying without any efforts so all I get by my own is that darkest place deep inside my tone, I've always dreamed to get a happy life where two hearts can build a home I've always reached that trance that nirvana is not  related by that wealth , that being loved is all we will ever need to restore a life. while thinking , my fatal core had shaked from that despair  and all  I was just  laying on the ground beside my bathroom on that red dress . That red dress that had been given to me as a gift from my last friend  . I couldn't even save her for me now , my pride had won and it makes me find that I was just a harsh-mind.  for me the mercy wasn't mentioned, when a mistake shall up on my ground i just erase it from that path  , I've always pretended being perfect whith avoiding issues and acting too politely so I would be   example  for the successful woman  ,  but I've never been good enough to describe who i was to my own self so I'm here again seeking all what i had survived and wondering is it worth to never make a sin ? Is it alright that I'm nothing more than a sinner in my own rights ? Is it wrong that all my choices were wrong ? Were My decisions right enough to drive my death ?
*I'm what I chossed to be * I've said while my breaths are becoming deeper more and more and my heart beats are going to set up so quietly so I can't open those eyes never again .
I've never reached that level of regret before.. an old lady that had never commited a sin but  spent  all her life regretting her fears and her narcissist nature let me admit for once that I  wasn't strong enough to live it no either worthy enough to have a chance to try it
So quickly my stomach started hurting me and the elephant had decided to make my brain its new home while my stomach was hurting as if that elephant was asking me for more .
Crawling till my bathroom , I've decided to take a fast bath so I can remove on all my bad thoughts, all my past regrets , I thought I may move on maybe start a new life while being a 50 years old shadow , in that bath I've used the most expensive perfumes I ever bought, and all I did was diving till the tops of my fears I've found the death wearing a strong, fatal sow , it's like it's calling me to have that fight once more , I've suddenly returned back with my spirit and I speedily quite that bath floor , the thoughts were stifling me even though I'm a mature lady who cannot give her bones, I've wore my best cloths as if I'm celebrating a Nobel party that go back to the philosophical era , where the soul were immortal where the blood had never turn somber , I've stood so quietly remembering my own wind , I've stood so powerfully while touching my checks, all I ever dreamed about is just white love but I'm here dying lone, all my descisions were wrong now I'm paying my selfish soul's demands I've wanted to live free and I'm here dying so I may turn to be a corpse, I've called my young sister ,happily, she will die with her kids so warmly in the lights I've called her and I've said come tomorrows so we can exchange some cares , I've called her so my dead body will be under ground in the nearest time I've felt It coming i swear I've felt It in that falling night I hopefully wrote my will so I may be blessed if my sacrifices had reached the skies , the pain was coming harder I cannot take its bright anymore , I tried to remember my life but all I get is those tiresome memories that had bring my tears on I've cried from blaming myself I've cried while stitching my body hands , that tear had been druped so slowly so silently. suddnly, I started agonizing while sleeping on my bed making goodbye to the children I never had , kissing the husband that I've never felt , my bad was that i wasn't strong enough , my bad is that all I was doing  is to  try no more effects no more told stories to tell , my bed had those yellow covers the ones I hoped they were white for once   . I've locked at my room's roof I've took a long breath and I prayed that it won't be my last
My heart started slaving me , I didn't recognize that I was having a heart attack, I started sniffing there when my soul had been taken for the first last  time , I've remembered every single details of my entire life from being born till that moment at least I was happy enough to pray to my Lord and to accept my death as a station not as a direction , I hoped that time will heal that impressions that knife isnide my head . all I was is complicated it was harsh for me to understand my fatal destiny, may be I'll have the chance  to live goodly during another start . my hands had felt , the last breath was out and my soul was up staring for my dead body for  once ,death wasn't that much hurtful,