You were visited by the doctor in Alexandria for checking your health conditions. “You are very thin Y/N.”, he said. “I know, not many restaurants are open these days, sorry Doc.”, you commented with a smile. He smiled too, probably because of the sarcasm in your voice. “Here you’ll have the chance to get back on your feet, don’t worry.”

“Thanks.”, you replied laconically.

“Sorry if I ask you, but what happened to your wrists?”

“Everyone here is curious, right?”

“Sorry about my indiscretion, but it could help me understand your medical situation better.” You snorted and answered brusquely, tired of all the snooping. “I was chained and raped.” “Geez… I’m sorry, I had no idea…”

“Certainly not! You can’t have a clue about life out there!”, you shouted into his face. Then you realized how rude you had been for no reason and how much you should be grateful to be here. “Sorry, I didn’t want that…”

“Don’t worry, it’s all right.” He paused for a long time, obviously embarrassed by your behavior: “It would be better if you also had a gynecological treatment to see if everything is alright.”

“I don’t think any of those bastards made me pregnant.”

“Still, I would do it, I can ask Denise if she would do it.”

“Who is Denise?”, you asked. “The other community doctor, she can do the treatment if you want.” You did not nod because of your wishes about who should treat you, but because he stopped talking. “Would be okay tomorrow, now I just want to lie down.”

“Sure.”

“Thank you a lot.” When you left the infirmary, your stomach growled greedily. You pulled on your abdominal muscles to silence him, and just as you were wondering if he would calm down, Aaron surprised you and greeted you in a friendly voice. He had a basket with some food in it in his hand. While he offered it to you, he asked you if you should accompany him to the house that Deanna had chosen for you in the meantime, showed you Alexandria and continued to introduce you to the people you both met in the street. “I thought you were hungry.”

“Where did you get the food from?”, you asked, thanking him. “We have a warehouse where we store food supplies, Olivia keeps an inventory of everything in it, so maybe you could say hello later.”

“Maybe tomorrow, I think I’ve met enough people for today.” Aaron smiled. “Take all the time you need, as you can see, Alexandria isn’t very tall.” In front of you was a house spread over three floors with a small garden. “And that’s all for me?”, you asked. “Please… Come on! We aren’t many here, so we can afford to expand and now I’ll let you explore the house, remember, if you need anything, Eric and I are some blocks away, if you want, you’re welcome to have dinner with us.” You smiled at him. “Thanks, Aaron, as soon as I’m done.” “Of course, I didn’t want to urge you.”, he hurried to say. “It’s fine, I understand you.”

You said goodbye and you, alone again, took a deep breath and entered your new home. After months spent outdoors and in danger, the intrusion causes a sense of oppression and insecurity. Silence and calm invaded every corner of the house and made you restless. You knew it didn’t make sense, but the first thing that comes to your mind is to search every room for danger. As soon as you extracted it, you immediately felt better. Since you had nothing to fear in the living room or in the kitchen, you went upstairs, where two rooms and a very large bathroom were waiting for you. You checked every corner, behind the doors, in the cupboards, under the beds. The loft on the top floor was the only room yet to be inspected: The door was locked and that’s never a good sign… With your hand on the handle, you mentally counted up to three, then tore it open. Nothing. It was empty and shamefully safe like the rest of the house. But before you calmed down, you walked back and forth, up and down the stairs, from one window to another, expecting to solve a problem, to throw yourself into danger. Suddenly you realized that you didn’t close the door; You wanted it, but there was no key. In fact, if the place is as safe as they say, there is no need. But you were paranoid, so you pushed the sofa to the door and you felt calmer immediately. You checked the rooms, barricaded the doors, closed the taps, closed the curtains. What else could you do? Then, reluctantly, you realized that all you had to do was one last thing. Relax… Leaning against the sink, the faucet grabbed your attention. You turned it, waiting for something you had not seen for a long time: A strong, continuous stream. You rinsed your face with fresh water, then swallowed several sips and tasted the fresh taste. Suddenly you had an idea and remembered that the bathroom you saw above also has a huge bathtub. Your hand removed the steam from the mirror. You repeated the gesture and finally saw it. Your now midlong, messy hair was wet and stuck to your forehead. You did not mind, but your face, slimmer and more sunken than you remembered, scared you. It had no mercy and showed all the events you’ve experienced: The Walkers, Travis and Madison, the prison, Daryl, the kidnapping… Looking back at these moments, a grimace appeared on your face. You thought of all the people you killed and the fact that you did not feel anything about it. Did you turn into a monster? At the moment, that didn’t interest you much. You were only relieved to be alive. In the first drawer you found a razor. Well, you really needed a new haircut. As you put the razor against your head, the strands fell into the sink, and the shape of your head was slowly outlined. When you finished, your hair was shorter. You put your hand over your head, and your hair tickled your palm. You smiled, feeling strangely comfortable. In one room you found clothes of your size. You couldn’t wait to drop the big, dirty stuff you had stolen from the camp. Finally, you threw them away and chose something more appropriate for my body: dark jeans, a dark top and a pair of boots. You went into the living room and looked curiously into the drawers. The table next to the entrance had something interesting in its only drawer: A notebook. You lost yours in the camp, and since you were locked up, you haven’t had a chance to write anything.

“Here’s my first real friend!”, you called as you flipped through the white pages of the small book bound in black leather. The search for a pen was spontaneous, moved by your unbridled desire to fill the void on the paper. When you found one, you started to write.

❝24. December

You will never believe it, but I am still alive. Despite everything I’ve been through, I’m here. With a broken hand, now shorter hair and human lives on the conscience. I live. In this absurd place, outside the real world, full of carefree, ignorant, weak people. If a herd were to invade this place, all the living flesh would be ready for slaughter. But anyway, I’m considering staying serious. Where else could I go? I ended up more distant than I thought, beyond Atlanta. I’m alone. I didn’t have much hope out there and lost the meaning of life… Again, I am alone. But at least I have a roof under which I sleep. I miss you. There is no day when I don’t think about you.

I love you.❞

You didn’t sign anymore because in the meantime no one will ever have read your words. It was dark outside by now. The winter was here. Not only in you, but also outside. The next and also your real first day in Alexandria would describe the lifestyle of a sloth. You slept, you ate, you washed. The only reason that got you out of the house was the total absence of food in the beliefs. You snorted because you were forced to do something you hadn’t done for a long time: To be sociable. You reached the warehouse Aaron told you about and avoided the eyes of those who met you in the street. You stood at the door and after a few moments opened a woman with black hair and glasses that covered most of her face. She looked at you quizzically, a little scared, perhaps because of your now aggressive look, supplemented by the leather jacket you wore before you went out. “Are you Olivia?”, you asked in a flat voice. Her eyes seemed to shine. “Oh, you’re Y/N, aren’t you?”, she said in a shrill voice. The warehouse was a series of rooms full of shelves cataloged for groceries. From the amount of food they have here, you assumed they were well looked after. While she showed you the stock, the woman did not stop talking for a moment. You barely listened to her, fascinated by the amount of food and drinks that surrounded me. “…and in this room is the armory.”, she announced. In front of you both a small corridor led to a room without a door. Inside, waiting for you, you found an arsenal. “Damn.”, you commented on the amount of weapons penned there. “There’s your weapon too, if you go out, you can come here and get all the weapons you want, and of course I have to be there to register it.”, she said. “Do you do the same with the food?”

“More or less, some foods are freely available, others are limited, so I can only distribute them in smaller quantities.”

“For example?”

“Chocolate.”, she replied, making you laugh a little and you raised your eyebrows because you didn’t believe your ears. So you turned to her and slowly repeated: “Chocolate?” And she nodded. “I didn’t even believe that it still exists today.”

“We have many things here, take what you need.”

You only took staple foods, a few canned tuna, beans, two packets of pasta, a few cookies and dried meat. You thanked Olivia and warned her that you would return soon to get your gun. It was time to look around the area around Alexandria. “Sure, come over whenever you want.” As you crossed the threshold and decided not to return to camp, a ringing voice surprised you. “Merry Christmas.” You turned around, confused. Only now you remember that today is the 25th of December. You would like to answer, that for quite some time you have stopped celebrating Christmas. You wanted to say that there is much more important than a stupid event, especially if you no longer have anyone to celebrate with. You wanted to say that you all should be grateful to be alive and not to waste time celebrating a ridiculous celebration. You wanted to say all these things. Instead, you smiled and replied: “For you too.”

You almost bang on one person while turning back. With a feline motion, you avoided the basket of food that fell on it. “Hey!”, warned the man you collided with. You almost lost your balance, but he grabbed your arms and prevented you from falling. “Are you alright?”, he asked, looking at you with a slight smile, as if he knew exactly that you were new here. “Yes, thank you.”, you hurried to say and freed yourself from his grip. “My name is Aiden. I am the son of Deanna.”

“Fine, hello.”, you said and went home again. The man didn’t give up. He joined you as you left. “Don’t you tell me your name?” You expanded the pace. “If you’re one of Deanna’s sons, you know my name.” Finally he let you go on alone. You heard him giggle and he tried one last time to get a few words out of his mouth to invite you. The only answer he got was your backside as you walked home, determined to close this friendly world behind your back.

❝25. December

I should spend it with you today. Aaron, who keeps asking me to dine with him and Eric at Deanna, who invites me to dinner with her family. Everyone smiles here and they want to talk. Instead, I start to miss life on the street. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad here. If you were just there you would know what I mean… It’s still time to go out again. Since I am here, the days are relentless, boring and repetitive. I had a gynecological examination that was recommended to me by the doctor. I have discovered that I have amenorrhea, that is, I have an interruption in the menstrual cycle. “It’s probably the life out there, stress, unfavorable conditions that have made your body refuse to reproduce and consequently stop ovulating.”, Denise told me. “With a healthy diet and a more peaceful life, everything should be fine.” I shrugged and said: “Better that way.” That’s why I decided to go out again. Not for long, just for a few hours. Just so as not to lose the habit of always attentive living.

Y/N…❞

Olivia confided in you an assault rifle and you hoped for a good day. When you almost reached the main gate, Deanna’s son approached you with a quick step. “Y/N, wait, I heard you wanted to go out…”

“Yes.”

“Can I come with you?”, he asked. You shook your head. “No.”

“But I-…”

“Leave me alone, please.”

Over time, you started trusting the people who lived in Alexandria. After months, you were still not the most sociable person in the community, but slowly you returned to behave like a bourgeois person. The first stages were really tiring, but now, after a few months, you’re a normal person again, if you can define it that way. Deanna had assigned you a task. It took you some time to figure out what to do.

“You will take care of the barrier every day. Check it and monitor the barrier and report any damage.”, she said. So you went out almost every day to check if Alexandria was safe. You also killed all the Walkers you saw, a bit to remove the rage that systematically accompanied you, and a bit, so as not to lose the habit of survival, even if it was not always necessary. When you were on the road, you also checked that the walls were always safe and solid, and when you thought they needed thicker protection, you asked Spencer, Deanna’s other son, to report it. She decided accordingly whether it should be repaired or not. One afternoon you accompanied one of the men responsible for repairing the walls to protect him while he was fixing the reinforcement; From that moment on, everyone who wanted to walk through the city asked me if you were willing to go with them. You became a kind of bodyguard for these people. Someone asked you how you could live out there, then somebody complimented you and commented on you with phrases like ‘I never would have done it.’, 'Living alone must be hard.’, 'You’re the strongest person I know.’, and such things. Every time they praised you that way and you wanted to talk to them about the amazing family that taught me to do it but you still couldn’t name any of them without crying. You often fell asleep thinking about them and wondering where they are. So many times you woke up after dreaming of them, deeply disappointed that it was not real to see them again. You’ve met a lot of good people here in Alexandria, but you’re convinced that none of them will ever take the place of Rick, Daryl, Michonne, Carol, and everyone else.

❝End of April

It’s been a long time since I last wrote to you, I know. The thing is, I try to avoid it. I have come to realize that if I spend less time thinking about you all, I am more willing to meet new people and be in the company of other people. I wouldn’t say it, but I think it’s time to let you go… To look ahead and keep holding you in my heart. I think I stop writing letters as if you were still alive: I don’t have to write on a piece of paper if my memory is still alive and you are in my thoughts.

I love you all so much…❞

One morning in late April, Eric and Aaron knocked on your door. They both carried a backpack and weapons, ready to leave the safe area of ​​Alexandria. When you saw them, you frown. “Did I forget that we wanted to go out?”, you asked. Aaron answered you. “No, you didn’t forget anything, come with me.”

“Where to?”, you asked in surprise as you slipped into your boots. “Deanna has decided to recruit other survivors.”, Eric explained. “Other people?” The two nodded at the same time. “Yes, your arrival was one of the best things that happened in Alexandria, we want more people like you to join our community.” You wrinkled your nose annoyed. “You know how I think about it.”

“Yes, we know.”, Aaron answered. “But I’m convinced that in the end not everything is lost.” You sighed and realized it was useless to argue again. “I hope you’re right, I really hope so…”, you said, hugging both. “How long will you stay outside?”, you asked. “Not more than a month.”, Eric replied. “Even less, if the mission should go well.” The car they drove with was already full of supplies. They were ready to go. “Take care of yourself, please…”, you told them.

“We will.”, Eric reassured you. “If something goes wrong, one of us will come back to tell you.” Then he turned to the companion sitting next to him and laid a hand on his knee. You admired this couple: They knew exactly what risks they are taking and yet they don’t lose heart. They stubbornly searched for the good in each one of us.

They both looked at you one last time, then, when the gate was open, they started searching for one of the people still scattered all over the world fighting for survival…