Here I am again . 
Just another ordinary day. 


" you don’t  look normal " she said 

"I’m suffering ,struggling with myself , I can’t find myself my way , i betrayed  my own feelings, I’m just depressed, I have anxiety and I’m afraid of rejection , maybe I need a hug, I just need someone to tell me that everything’s gonna be okay but what if I tell you and you reject me as they did !? What if you think you I’m asking for attention . "

 " no I’m great you know same old stuff  " I  answered 

"So I gotta go catch you later in school " she said while smiling 

"yes see you" I said .

Lying to people isn’t that easy at all I mean it needs repetition and effort to fake a smile , it’s like forcing yourself to smile while a bullet is crossing your heart , smiling has always been an easier then explaining  . 
Life is nightmare, it’s the hell itself nobody cares about us, nobody knows that we’re in pain, they keep telling us to be happy and to stop worrying that  much , well let me explain something 
You can’t just tell someone who is suffering from depression "to be happy" 
Or someone who’s suffering from anxiety "to stop worrying "
Or getting over problems easily 
They aren’t solved like that , 
We’re human after all we have feelings right? 
 
 Dealing with depression is one of the worst thing ever , it’s like an incurable disease, it’s like you’re swimming in an ocean of sadness , all what you see is grey .

 We can’t get over it  because   nobody made us feel special or happy ,because our  existence worth noting  , we’re just  sick , pathetic people .
I tried so many times, I thought i was happy strong till I saw the true happiness in other  people’s eyes I knew that moment that I was living in a lie , yes I lied to myself , and that broke  me the most.

 I ended up lonely and sad  , and that turned me into a cold stone .
"How are you today ?!" My therapist asked 

"I’m not sure, I mean I’m not depressed and I’m not happy either .I can smile , laugh  and joke during the day but at night I just forget how to feel , I kept telling myself that I’m great till I found myself awake at 3:00 Am thinking about everything and nothing at the same time ." I answered 

They say our twenties is craziest age ever as kyoko Escamilla says :"your 20’s are your selfish years .it’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible .be selfish with your time , and all the aspects of you .
Tinker with shit , travel explore , love a lot . love a little , and never touch the ground ." well my twenties turned out to be the true meaning of "nightmare ". 

I don’t even  know  how should I call this feeling of hating everything and everyone around me , that feeling of coldness and emptiness , even my words betrays  me when I start talking about it .
This is the price I pay every single day , the struggling I suffer in my twenties , price of sadness and broken heart and self hatred. 
 They keep telling me that all what they see through my eyes is sadness and that’s an awful thing to see trough such a great eyes as mine they say try happiness it’s for free . i didn’t have a Choice really , to lose everything isn’t a great thing you wanna live with , I lost my dream that I  lost dear People just to make it come true , I lost my father’s trust that was never  given to me , I lost my friends those who gave a great meaning for my life . 

so don’t judge me because you  don’t know what I’ve been through .