The world collapsed in you. A sting in your heart swept through you and blocked your breath for a split second. Tears began to flood your cheeks immediately and your neck contracted painfully. Beth was there, right in front of you, mutilated and soiled with her own blood. She raised her blue eyes to you and shouted apologies. Besides suffering, there was a plea for forgiveness in her iris. She felt guilty because she had left, thinking she was safe. You dropped to your knees and plunged into the arterial circulation. She had a temporary bandage, but the wound wasn't cauterized. Judging by the blood, she had lost way too much. Her skin was pale, like the moon. You put her face in your hands, tried to give her some strength and touched her cheeks, pulling her golden hair out of her face and holding her to you. As much as you tried to banish these pictures, she kept an eye on you. It was like experiencing that awful moment again. But now things would have been different. Beth, you could save her...

"You're not alone. I've found you, Beth. We came here for you, don't worry... Everything will be alright, okay?", you whispered: "Trust me."

She agreed with her eyes, she was so weak. It gave you the impression that she would lose her senses at any moment. You positioned yourself to grab her and carry her in your arms.

"Please try to stay awake..."

Beth screamed, she was sure to die soon. You took a deep breath and pulled her up. She stifled a cry and put her mouth between your neck and your shoulder.

"If you sleep, don't dare to give up. Stay with me, you understand?", you ordered gently.

She hummed a soft tune with her lips, but it was enough to make sure she wouldn't fall asleep. You were forced to walk through the forest and you knew the smell of blood would lure the walkers, but there was no other way. With every swift step, the pain in your thigh made your teeth clench. In the midst of nature, you tried to return to the point that you had marked, but no one was waiting for you. The forest was silent and you heard no shots. You dismissed the thought that something might have happened to them. Presumably they had reached the church directly or were forced to make a detour. You forced yourself on, though your arms weakened. You couldn't remember that you had so much distance from the church to the school, but the path seemed endless. Because of the pulsating and annoying pain, you went on with difficulty, and the clearing expanded more and more. You were afraid that you couldn't reach the church on time because Beth had to be taken care of immediately. Suddenly the song ended and the girl lowered her eyelids. You gently put your chin on her forehead and felt a change in temperature. Fever was rising, the wound was infected... You shook her a little, only to allow her to open her eyes again.

"I can't do it...", she apologized in a shaky voice: "I feel like I have to close my eyes."

"You can do it, you're strong, Beth! We're almost there, don't give up now!"

"Will I get a prosthesis like Daddy?", she asked with a spark of hope.

"Better.", you encouraged her.

Her voice helped you grit your teeth and to move on. If you thought about how your thigh hurts, you would change your mind, considering the pain Beth would have to have without part of her leg. Everything right now reminded you of your little sister. You could never have overcome another similar loss. This time you wouldn't have failed. You have continued on this path with this goal. After a mile you lowered yourself to go under a branch and saw the church, including some of your group, standing guard. As soon as you emerged from the green, you saw a crossbow pointed at you, which fell immediately to the ground. Daryl looked at you distraught and shocked. You looked at the others and no one dared to approach you as if they didn't want to accept this picture. You were both covered in blood, Beth's blood... After a fraction of seconds of seemingly endless minutes, Tyreese took Beth in his arms and ran in with Sam, ready to do anything. Daryl angrily hit the wall and followed the two men. Carol was statuesque as always, her facial muscles weren't tormented, but her irises gleamed. The sheriff's son and Sasha were inside, so you couldn't see their emotional reactions, unlike Michonne, who had lowered her head, but her hands clenched into fists. Rick stared motionless at the entrance to the church. You approached him and should have sat down, but at that very moment you thought of something else. The worry was too big. Without opening his mouth, he spoke as if questioning and murmured through his beard.

"The first thing I noticed was Gareth's face. I wanted to see him dead. I couldn't let them approach the church but then I noticed from a corner of the building blond hair. I thought... I thought that nothing had happened to her, that we arrived on time."

"That bastard is still alive.", Michonne said: "We have to get rid of this asshole."

You felt your heartbeat quicken, as if you were in a kind of limbo until then. The adrenaline disappeared and left you without any immune system. Fear, anger and despair took over. You checked your hands with blood and an accurate picture appeared before your eyes. You took a few steps forward, wanted to get away from the two to get some air, but because of the leg you fell to the ground.

"Y/N!", the sheriff shouted and ran to you. You knelt in the grass with your eyes empty, staring at the blood Beth had left behind. Suddenly you fell into a tearless, hysterical scream that was characterized only by uncontrollable sobs. You lived through this loss again. Everything seemed so real to you. Rick took your head in his hands and tried to make you concentrate on his face.

"Y/N, what's going on?", he said nervous: "Everything will be fine, Beth will make it, I'm sure."

Michonne appeared behind you and stood staring at you as if studying you. You still looked down and remembered the lifeless body of your little sister.

"I didn't make it.", you sobbed: "I couldn't save her."

The sheriff shook you and thought you would come back to reality.

"Hey, look at me.", he ordered: "You saved her, got it? Sam and Tyreese take care of her."

You then mumbled your sister's name and Rick turned around as if Michonne could give him clues.

"Who the hell is that supposed to be?", the woman asked.

The sheriff turned his head away because he didn't know and returned to you. He stared at you with regretful eyes, he didn't know the person you had lost, but he understood the pain. Anyway, he didn't know how to calm you or block this condition.

"She has a nervous breakdown.", he said, explaining his hypothesis.

Michonne looked at you more closely and put a hand on her hip. She did not seem to agree.

"Y/N, please, listen to me.", Rick pleaded: "We have to be strong to face anything that is coming. If we let ourselves be touched by emotion we'll eventually die, do you understand that?"

"Probably more of a panic attack.", Michonne said abruptly, moving the sheriff aside: "Leave her to me, I'll take care."

She then grabbed your neck to pull you up a bit. "There's no time for this nonsense!", she said annoyed to you.

"Michonne! Stop!", Rick screamed.

She glanced at him and then she struck you without restraint and you got a strong slap on your cheek. Your head snapped to one side and for a moment everything seemed to vibrate. The hallucinations became blurred until they disappeared.

"Don't you think you exaggerated?", Rick murmured: "That was not necessary!"

Michonne let go, satisfied with the gesture she made. You didn't accuse her, although your face now clearly had the signs of this action.

"It helped me.", you admitted: "Thank you."

Rick was a little taken aback, but then he helped you get up. You couldn't load your leg anymore, you practically destroyed it. Michonne nodded to you as if she wanted to say: "No problem.". When you were close enough to the entrance, but still far from the door, it opened. Daryl emerged from these four walls, wiped his hands with a rag and tried to remove the blood. He was about to say something about Beth's condition, but as soon as he saw you he immediately changed the subject.

"What the hell happened?", he asked.

"Something.", Michonne answered dryly and he threw the rag away and pointed to her face, then went on.

"Really?", he asked ironically: "What did ya' do?"

Although it was Michonne who wanted to answer, Daryl stared at the sheriff who was holding you in his arms.

"She helped me.", you said quickly, but the archer didn't give up.

"I see...", he underlined, referring to the five fingers on your cheek.
"Beth 's stable for now. We can't help but wait 'nd hope."

You then gestured to Rick to leave. You felt the strong need to make sure she was stable, that Beth was still breathing. Michonne did the same and followed the sheriff as if it were her shadow. Daryl stood there instead, looking at you as if he had a lot to say but nothing to confess. You reached out to touch the steps to lean on them and not lift the painful leg. The archer leaned forward to help you, but you ignored that gesture and finally brought your ass to the ground. You've had ups and downs these years, but you've always managed not to sink into depression or despair completely. But now you couldn't recognize yourself. You turned your palms so you could watch the dry, sticky blood. You felt dirty, touched by death. As if he could feel that feeling, Daryl advised you to come in.

"Ya' should change yer clothes.", he said.

The intention was there, but it did not depend on you. You wanted to stumble a thousand times instead of asking him for the umpteenth time. For him, you're just a weak girl who had to constantly have someone behind him who could take care of the probable victim in order to always escape into dangerous situations. You didn't want to be considered as such, so you got up quickly, though with caution, and reached the entrance in silence. When you're inside, Carl came up to you and looked eagerly at the bloodstains on your clothes.

"Are you hurt?", he asked worriedly: "Dad said you saved her, but-..."

"I'm fine.", you interrupted, calming him down. He sighed slowly, looked at his feet and you put my hand on his shoulder.

"Everything will be alright Carl, we just need a new prosthesis."

The boy didn't seem completely convinced. He didn't want to be fooled by a positive outcome, because lately there was none. As soon as you looked away, you noticed that Father Gabriel was staring at you, petrifying the trail of blood on the ground, as if everything had disturbed him. Sasha, however, continued to let Judith dangle in her arms while Carol didn't lose sight of her. You crossed the room and passed Gabriel, only to hear whispers like prayers, and closed the bathroom door behind you. At that moment, you held your thigh in your hands and groaned inwardly. The stitches had opened despite the tight bandage. You slowly took off your pants and tried not to touch the damaged area. The bandage was soaked in blood. As you removed the last inch of the bandage from your skin, the door moved with a slight tap.

"Y/N...", Sam said softly: "May I?"

"No!", you replied annoyed and put the bandage on the sink and tried to clean the wound.

"Then I'll come in anyway."

The door swung open immediately without giving you the time to answer.

"I just wanted to see how your leg is doing."

Yes, the world you knew is dead, but you were still embarrassed by such things. In any case, you ignored him. He then became serious again and you stared at the ceiling as if pretending that he was not there. To pretend that you're feeling comfortable, you asked him about Beth.

"Daryl told us she could do it?", you asked and he answered you without taking his eyes off the wound.

"Yes, she will.", he replied, but he made you realize that he was not convinced at all.

"I want the truth."

"I told it.", he answered and you pushed him away so you could look into his eyes, but what you saw petrified me. He cried.

"What shall I tell you?", he sobbed: "Beth is going to die... You are not stupid, you've seen in what conditions she is..."

You grabbed his shirt and clutched the cloth between your fingers. "No, that's not true!", you stammered in confusion.

"I lied, okay?", he explained, wiping his tears off. You leaned your forehead against his chest and shook your head as if to deny these words.

"You gave me hope.", you said in a trembling voice: "You just let me thought she could be saved!"

"I'm sorry...", he said and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Beth dies and you're here! Pretending nothing's going to happen!", you continued.

You pulled up your pants as fast as you could and left the room. You ran to the other room and tried to open the door, but your hand didn't want to lower the handle. Your body did not respond, as if to tell you that it was not appropriate to see her, risking another stupid nervous breakdown. You're ashamed, but went out again and avoided Carol, even though you realized she wanted to talk to you. As soon as the sun hit you, you breathed with relief. You were so angry that you were afraid to explode.

"Don't ya' want to change clothes?", asked the archer.

Daryl leaned against the wall of the church, the crossbow between his hands and his watchful eyes, facing the clearing. You didn't even notice his presence. Instinctively, you checked your clothes and watched the blood.

"What are you doing out here? Why-..."

"Guard.", he interrupted you: "If those fuckin' bastards 're still alive. They must die."

The branches of the trees swayed like little waves because of the wind, if only slightly. Daryl was right, those assholes were bound to reappear. You all had to be ready. You couldn't afford to be overrun. But you were sure that Rick was already thinking of a plan.

"Can you come in?", Sam interrupted and looked out the door: "I have to talk to you all."

You exchanged a look. He had the courage to report the news. Daryl immediately understood that something was wrong and didn't broaden the subject. When he saw that you weren't following them, he handed you the crossbow. This weapon reminded you of those days after the Governor's attack when you were carrying it on your shoulders. It had been a while, but it seemed like yesterday. And you were tired of seeing people die, both those you had near you and those you didn't really know. But in a remote part of your consciousness, you knew that you wanted death...

~

The night had quietly fallen on you and covered you like a magical cloak. The stars were barely visible, a hint of light here and there in the deepest darkness. You would have liked to see this beauty in a different, brighter context. Your old family, army mates, friends. Instead, you found yourself there, sitting on a broken suitcase, clutching Beth's fingers in your hands. You heard no sound, except the girl's imperceptible faint breath. Sam said she didn't have much time left. That's why you all decided to say goodbye. You think she understood, didn't talk much, but her eyes told enough. You didn't want to present yourselves with gloomy and resigned faces, but the emotions betrayed you. You all felt guilty. It happened so suddenly, without you actually being able to do anything. Nevertheless, you have shown yourselves responsible.

"It's a nice night to die...", she sighed and smiled.

"I wish I could forbid you to leave...", you said with tears in your eyes.

"It's thanks to you that I'm here... That I can die in this bed, surrounded by people I love.", she said wearily.

It was very difficult to hold back tears, but you smiled and hugged her like she was your little sister. You didn't answer, but it was as if you had done it. The door opened slowly, revealing that the person on the other side was in no way bothering. It was Tyreese. As soon as the door closed, you felt like an avalanche of emotions. It was hard to stay motionless. You tried to hide your tears and hurried to the wooden staircase of a small back room that led to the roof. As soon as you rested your knees on those cold shingles, you reluctantly noticed that you weren't alone.

"From here you have a great view.", Rick said softly.

You took a deep breath and gasped for the courage to talk to him about what had happened between you two lately. You pretended to be okay, but in reality you had made things worse and caused more tension between you than necessary.

"Rick? I know, it's not the time to discuss it..."

"But you still want it.", he finished the sentence and you confirmed it.

"I wanted to apologize, that's all. I know I reacted wrong."

At that moment he looked away from the clearing.

"To be honest, I still don't know why I did it, but in any case, I hope that doesn't ruin our friendship. We need to stick together.", he said.

You looked at him as if to confirm his speech and smiled. But then you started to cry again. It was a kind of outbreak. You didn't want to accept that Beth wouldn't survive. Besides, you were sure that Abraham and the others would come back with bad news. And then there's Maggie... You felt like you had all arrived at the end. These little salty drops danced over your cheeks and covered your face without being accompanied by sobs. Since it was dark, you weren't worried about Rick. You took it for granted that he couldn't notice. Instead the sheriff held out his right arm as if to grab you, but he stayed in the air to invite you. Instinctively, without too many problems with this gesture, you approached and rested your head on his shoulder. He took you in his arms and you stared at the grassy ocean full of different plants. You weren't ashamed of this contact, you felt that you needed it. And as your were hands wet with your tears, you realized how urgent it really was. After all, you weren't the only person to cry on this tragic night.
But a sudden explosion woke you from this dream, from this fleeting feeling of peace...