Now now now. It's hard to believe. And honestly, I don't want to believe it. This is so...I don't know how to express what I mean. Like seriously? I? A pathetic self absorbed(as people say since I don't talk much) girl? And today it seems like I am having a friend! A friend. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. Well I think I shouldn't get all fired up and over excited because you never know, do you? What if it's all a fantasy? What if it's only imaginary? What if that little spark of hope that has kindled within me fades away? Because after all nothing lasts forever. Actually there is no forever. And when it comes to me, I don't even have a promising tomorrow...Forever is something far fetched which I can never reach. Technically no one can. But for me it does not even arise as a question.

Don't mind this, but I love being a pessimist. Want to know why? Because you know what, a pessimist is never disappointed. A pessimist always expects the worst result even in the best of things. And I hate disappointment. Spent half of my life with failures, embarrassments, disappointments and what not! I think I am done. I hate hoping for anything. I hate everything. Peace. A lovely word isn't it? But it is this loveliness which my life lacks like hell. If you even regard this as a life in the first place.

But she. She is so cool. She talks like she knows me since forever. Oh God! This word! FOREVER. How much more interfering can it be? I don't know and I am not particularly interested in knowing. She. I am already liking her. The way she talks, the way she rolls her eyes, the way she walks. Everything about her so intimidating. She is just perfect. I don't want to but I don't know why somehow I am already trusting her. I know I shouldn't because the more you trust, the more you get backstabbed. I am aware of it. But this time I'm not going by the norms. I am breaking my own rules. Just once. I just want to try it once. I want to know what friendship is. I want to know how it feels to care for someone. I want to know how to understand a person. I want to know more. I want a friend. For once.

I know how it is to live alone but I want to experience the other part of it. First time with my parents it was as nice as it could be. But after they passed away I had closed myself up from the entire world. I had caged myself. I was afraid to fall again. But they say, being fearless isn't the point. Learning to deal with your fears is. So I want to learn. I am not afraid. Rather, I don't want to be afraid. I want to unlock myself. Make myself available to those who deserve. But that is the difficult part. To know who deserves and who doesn't. I don't know anything at all. All I know is she deserves. Maybe someone better than me. Not "maybe". She definitely deserves someone far far better than a worthless fellow like me. But what am I supposed to do? Tell her to go away? Push her away?

I can't.
And I won't.
Maybe.