I couldn't go on anymore! I felt I had reached the end of my road! I'm sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.

37 years old and I had simply felt so Worthless, hopeless, & Totally fed up with life! I didn't see the point in living anymore! Why did I still continue to try, when everything I thought I had tried got me Absolutely No where!! Everyday of my life, I was trapped in a nightmare, I couldn't wake up from! I struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I had no hope, I just didn't care anymore! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I felt I didn't have anything left inside. I prayed for death everyday to be at peace and be Completely free of this mental torture each & every waking hour. "You're not worthy", " you're a failure", "you can't do anything right", "Just end your life & there won't be anymore pain or suffering.", that deep inner voice says there are so many people worse off. People are killed on a daily basis, but I had wished that was me!

Where did it all go wrong? The last 37 years have flown by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that? Was it my dysfunctional, tormented childhood? Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you're loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my adopted parents. Ever! I can't even recall ever being told that I was loved or wanted. I feel as if I was a mistake! I can't even recall one display of affection throughout my childhood! I was sexually, mentally, physically, & verbally abused, everyday of my childhood from the time I was 6 yrs old, up until I was 19 yrs old. All the emotional, mental, & physical pain & scars were also inflicted by the emotional abuse I had to endure everyday that are still to this day, emotionally & mentally painful. Is that why I still to this day, have problems in friendships & relationships?  With men in general! Why do I struggle with authority? Mom's & Dad's are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly Sexually abused me, Physically abused me, mentally abused me, criticised me, and put me down and made me feel like I was a piece of shit! I know it was because I was a mistake from my biological mother. Every night, I layed in my bed I was scared for my life, fearing my adopted dad would come in & beat me, & take advantage of me for no reason. I felt I was his punching bag & play toy. I Absolutely despise & hate him for making me do unimaginable sexual things to him, for forcefully doing inhumane things to me, for Physically abusing me to the point of almost trying to kill me when I was 7 years old! This went on, day in & day out! 👿👿 No child should ever have to go through that!! There was one day I called the cops & they came to my house & asked me if I was ok. I said "ya" & they said "are you sure?" & I said "ya". I wanted So Bad to tell them what my adopted dad was doing to me & my brother but my adopted dad was standing right there beside me. I was Scared for my life! I just told the police, I accidentally called them. Fearing if I told them the truth, I would get another Severe beating!

It hurt that my other older brother got all the love, praise, & attention from my adopted parents. In their eyes, he couldn't do no wrong! He was considered the perfect child. That hurt Really bad! I felt like the scum of the earth!

Mothers are meant to protect their children! Mine just added to the constant name calling, daily put-me downs, critization. She  was a Severe alcoholic and just let my adopted dad physically abuse me & my biological brother. They fought constantly! I was living in what was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my adopted mother, my adopted father managed to alienate our entire family by packing up all his stuff & up & left for several weeks, not telling anyone where he was going. I remember seeing & hearing my adopted mom cry everyday. I prayed everyday for him to stay gone so I wouldn't have to endure such horror & torment for one more day! So, to this day I haven't seen & Don't EVER plan on seeing my adopted parents, & never will! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, I can't wait till the day they are gone from this Earth! I feel that's the only way I will finally find peace!

I couldn't wait to leave home! I got married at 19 yrs old. My husband and I bought our first home, that we had absolutely loved and worked so hard for! Things were going great for the first year of our marriage. My husband and I had really good jobs, a nice house, and two cars. Just when we thought things couldn't get any better, boy were we mistaken! Tragedy once again struck us like lightening! We lost our home & two cars in the blink of an eye! We were literally homeless! We had lost everything we had worked so hard for! We had to move in with his dad and step mom until we got on our feet. March of 2002, my husband got a good paying job at a prison, working as a prison officer and I was working with the handicapped. Things were starting to look up. We were able to get a place of our own and make payments on another vehicle to get us back and forth to work. Well, September of 2002 rolled around and to our surprise, we were expecting! That day was the greatest day of my life, other than the day my husband and I got married. We were super excited to tell family and friends, we were gonna have a little bundle of Joy! As the weeks and months passed by and I watched my belly get bigger, I couldn't wait to start feeling all the little movements and flutters from our little bundle of joy! The closer time got to our beautiful bundle of joy, my husband and I had to do the necessary preparation for our little bundle of Joy! We were living in only a small one bedroom apartment. So about three months into my pregnancy with our little girl, we had moved into a nice two bedroom house. Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, we were thinking of names, dreaming of what our little girl was gonna look like, and preparing for her arrival. Then the scariest day of May 17, 2003, my water had unexpectedly broke. I was scared out of my mind! I didn't know what was going on, she wasn't supposed to be here for another month! Doctors did everything they could to stop my labor! Well, come May 25, 2003 our little bundle of Joy was brought into the world! We couldn't be more happier and extremely blessed! But then, things took a turn for the worse! Being that she was born 6 weeks early, her lungs weren't fully developed. Sadly, she wasn't breathing very well on her own. While in the N.I.C.U., doctors and nurses had to keep a very close eye on her and watch her breathing, while she was in the incubator, just in case she stopped breathing. She also had to have a feeding tube put through her nose due to losing a significant amount of weight after being born. She just wouldn't take the nursing bottle, nurses tried giving her. She also had hours of UV light therapy for her jaundice. My husband and I were extremely scared and worried! As the hours and days passed by, doctors told us they didn't think she was going to make it. No mother and father should ever have to hear those sad and tragic words! We had our church family, family, and friends praying for her day in and day out! Our pastor was at her bedside praying for her everyday! We refused to believe those terrifying words from the doctor! We never once lost hope! We knew she was in God's hands! That N.I.C.U. did everything they could for our beautiful daughter! We had no choice but to keep the Faith, that God would heal her! We spent every waking hour sitting by her bedside, praying for a miracle, talking to her, holding her tiny fingers, and watching each breathe she took. I came down from the mothers ward and got the opportunity to hold her tiny little body in my arms, to breast feed her every three hours. That was an amazing blessing, to get to hold her and have that close bonding with her.  I couldn't take my eyes off of her, the whole time. I could have sat there forever holding and rocking her. Unfortunately I wasn't allowed to do that because the N.I.C.U. had their policies they had to follow. Every minute without her was extremely hard. I couldn't wait until the next three hours to come down and hold her tiny little body up against mine. As each day went on, she started improving drastically, and getting stronger! Doctors and nurses were shocked and ecstatic as she rapidly started getting stronger! Especially when the doctors didn't even think she was gonna make it! Boy did she prove them wrong! My husband and I, family, church family, and friends, were so relieved, and excited, the day they got the great news that our beautiful daughter was drastically improving! Amazingly enough, and by the grace of God, she had got much stronger, and she started breathing on her own, and feeding on her own with the nursing bottle. Her jaundice was also improving as well. We couldn't be more happier and extremely blessed, our beautiful daughter was showing signs of improvement! As of May 31st, 2003, we got to bring our beautiful miracle baby home! She was Absolutely Nothing short of a pure miracle from God! We thank God Each and everyday for saving her life! As the months and years passed by and the endless worrying, and sleepless nights from all her health problems, and countless trips to the doctors, and so much medications later. We still thank God Each and everyday for blessing us with an amazing, beautiful daughter that has brought so much Joy and love to our life! After things started settling down and things were going pretty good for us, although we had hit some bumps along the road. We kept pushing forward and trying to live life as normal as we could with what we had. God blessed us once again! November 2006, we were expecting again! Our first daughter was gonna have a little brother or sister! We were super excited, knowing we were gonna have another beautiful bundle of Joy bless us. My husband and I were super excited to tell family and friends, we were gonna have a new addition to our family! Once again, my husband and I were thinking of perfect names for our beautiful little bundle of Joy, making plans before the arrival, and making the necessary preparations before he/she blesses us for years to come in our nice 3 bedroom house. As each month passed by and I watched my belly getting bigger, I couldn't wait to find out if we were having a girl or boy. I also couldn't wait to feel all the wonderful movements and flutters from her tiny little body. We finally found out, we were gonna have another beautiful little girl! We were extremely excited to tell our first daughter that she is gonna have a baby sister! When she found out, she was extremely excited! Everyday she would talk to her baby sister through my belly. She couldn't wait to see her baby sister! Family and friends were super excited to have another girl in the family! Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, and time got closer for her arrival, the more excited we all got! We had pretty much everything we needed for her arrival. July of 2007, I had went into premature labor with her, and was in the hospital for 5 days on strict bed rest while doctors and nurses tried to stop my labor with her. After 3 days of being in the hospital, things were going pretty smoothly. Or so I thought! I ended up having to stay two more days, due to catching really bad pneumonia! I spent those two days doing lots of breathing treatments, having IV fluids and medications. After those Long tireless, five days of being in the hospital, I was ready to go home! I got released after that fifth day with strict orders to stay on strict bed rest! I wasn't allowed to get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. During my time on bed rest, I started having the worst and most painful back labor imaginable! It was so painful, it put me in tears everyday! My poor husband had tried everything to be helpful and make me as comfortable as possible! He even went as far as rolling a pill bottle up and down my back to relieve the pain. It helped temporarily. Well the day came, I started have contractions. We had timed the contractions until they were about 3 minutes apart. My husband had taken me to the hospital and to our surprise, I was in labor! It was just a matter of time before our beautiful little girl would be in our arms! After all the inducing, tireless walking of the halls, bouncing on the labor ball, soaking in the warm tub, breaking of my water, and endless pushing. August 16, 2007 our beautiful little girl was born! We were super excited to finally hold our little girl we had longed to meet and hold for 9 long months! She has brought my husband and I so much Joy, and Love to our lives! We still thank God Each and every day for blessing us with such an amazing, smart, intelligent, healthy, and beautiful daughter! With many sleepless nights and months of worrying about whether her club feet condition would ever get better with treatment, and lots of trips to the doctors, all of it was well worth it!

While my girls were still young, I decided to full fill my dream of being a medical assistant. I had always wanted some way of giving back, by getting into the medical field to help others. In 2010, I was offered to go to a technical college to study to be a medical assistant. For 15 months, I did all the required hours. I did really well while in school. I even certified in several areas & got several certificates, including being on the honor roll. Although I struggled those 15 months, having to take care of my two very young girls, keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch, & dinner, keep up with the laundry, take care of the animals, plus trying to keep up with my school work, while my husband was at work. If things weren't already enough, having flashbacks from my childhood trauma were haunting me all the time! I couldn't think straight, focus, or concentrate. On top of everything else that was going on, my grandma whom I was very close with, had passed away. That really took a toll on my emotions, and I was so overcome with grief. I tried to pull myself together and get a grip, but it was all just too much! I just had too much on my plate! I tried handling everything by myself & I felt as if I just couldn't. But I some how managed to get through those agonizing 15 months of college & finishing up my externship.

Once again, Tragedy struck again! I had almost finished what I had worked & strived so hard for! Two weeks before graduation, I snapped & tried killing myself, due to all the pressure and stress that I was under & unfortunately that landed me up in the Looney bin, all because everything I was going through, was just too much! It was just too much to handle! I lost Everything I had worked so hard for! After that, things have severely went down the shitter since then, & I haven't been the same since!

That same year I saw a mental health psychologist for the first time and got diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, PTSD, social anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. That was to plague me for the rest of my life, whether I wanted to accept it or not.

The next few chapters of my life haven't exactly been no happier. I tried pulling myself together by trying to start over, by getting back into the workforce. So In my late twenties, I went to work at a prison to be a food service supervisor. But I have the endless horrible habit of hitting the self-destruct button whenever things are going good. I tend to always self sabotage myself. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.

In my early 30's, I decided I had, had enough. My depression and PTSD, once again crept back into my life full force! It got so bad, I couldn't see the most important people who were staring me right in the face. I once again, selfishly tried everything I could to take my own life. Frustrated at the thought that every time I tried, I couldn't even do that right! So once again, I got put back in the Looney bin. I absolutely hated it! I felt & was treated like a prisoner that committed a horrible crime! My freedom was completely taken away! So what did I do, I pretended like I was getting better just so I could have the chains taken off of me, so they would release me, & I could have my freedom back. Its nothing like being locked away, with no freedom to do anything & being taken away from your kids, family, & friends as if you are a hardened criminal! Shortly after my release & I returned home, we moved to a what we thought was a nice house & neighborhood, until we quickly learned that it wasn't. The house & neighborhood we had chosen, had so many down falls. The only heat & air conditioning we had, was in the living room & dining room. The winter & summer months were brutal. The back bedrooms were Extremely cold in the winter, & Extremely hot in the summer! We had to sleep in either the living room or the dining room to stay warm & cool. The fuse box was older than dirt! Every time we turned around the dam fuse box would blow a fuse & we kept having to flip the breakers. The landlord was so cheap, she refused to call an electrician to come out & fix it! I'm surprised that house didn't catch on fire! We put up with it for 4 yrs cause we just couldn't afford to move, due to my husbands job loss. We only had my income & that was my disability. Well, I finally got fed up with it & applied for section 8 HUD housing. For a two bedroom apartment, we were 17th on the list & it didn't take but a few months, when we got the call that an apartment opened up. So we jumped on it & finalized the paperwork, packed up immediately & left that hell hole, to once again start fresh to thrive in a new environment.

We have been here at our new apartment for almost 2 yrs, our girls have made quite a bit of new friends, we are very close by a park, walking path, shopping mall, bowling alley, & QT. In the year & a half we have been here, we have had some problems with our apartment but, the landlord is pretty good about taking care of the problems. She's about 95% better than our last landlord we had. So, now it's just my husband, my girls, me, and my emotional support dog Niko.

Once again, the ugly curse of my depression started setting in once again! I blamed myself for everything. I lost all hope & resorted into starving myself for 4 months straight! I felt I needed to punish myself cause at that point, I felt that's the only thing I had control over! My life was in Shambles!! After starving myself for those Long 4 months, I became so sick & weak due to the tremendous weight I had lost! My best friend couldn't just stand by & watch me slowly deteriate! My Best Friend couldn't stand by one more day, watching me waste away! She tried talking to me till she was blue in the face! Nothing was sinking in!! I was so overcome with hopelessness & was extremely depressed! She threatened me many times, that she was gonna put me back in the hospital! With my life already in Shambles, that's the last thing I wanted, was to be locked away like a hardened criminal! She got so overwhelmed because she wasn't reaching me, after everything she said & did! She tried everything to get me involved in getting back into doing my daily devotions with her every morning. Now I'm not gonna lie, at first I didn't want anything to do with it! I was so angry with God! Everything she had read from the Bible or her daily devotions, I just let everything go in one ear & out the other! As the days & weeks of my best friend consistently reading her morning daily devotions & spending time reading God's word aloud, I can't explain it but I literally heard the Lord's voice in my head, speaking to me through his word! Amazingly enough, that's when I thought things were starting to turn around for me! I started to slowly have Hope & Peace again! I saw & felt my depression getting better. I started to slowly eat again, laugh again, pray again, & reading the bible again. I felt myself getting stronger by the day, & finally being able to make the right decisions & choices on what the Lord wanted me to do. My life was turning around for the better. Today, as we speak, the Lord has really turned my life around! My husband, family, friends, my therapist, my case manager, and even myself, have saw a major difference & change in me over the past year. I have never felt this good in a very long time!