My Story isn't Over Yet! Chapter 2-Moving Forward
My Story isn't Over Yet! Part 2 Moving Forward
As you have already read in the first part of my tragic testimony, it's no secret that I am a survivor of very severe child abuse and neglect. As I have mentioned in Part 1 of my story, the abuse from my adopted parents began when I was 6 years old, I was raped by a friends boyfriend when I was 11 years old. The abuse from my adopted parents continued up until I was 19, until I moved out & got married & moved in with my husband.
I suffered severe abuse of all types my whole childhood! I was severely sexually, physically, mentally, & verbally abused, everyday for 15 years by my evil adopted parents. On top of all that, I was raped at the young age of 11. I was belittled, criticised, called names, no child on this Earth should ever be called, by my adopted parents! I’m not sure why, perhaps it was because I had to suffer the consequences of my biological parents mistakes. I had to take on, more than any child should ever have to endure at such a young age.
My focus & purpose of my book, is to get my story out there by expressing & helping others who have been through tragic abuse by telling others what my motivation & inspiration is for my daily life & how I survived the hard days. & how I continue to thrive in the good ones.
As a mother of two girls & a wife, I can't say I never tried any kind of drug. Back in high school, I tried pot one time. I tried to fit in else where, being I didn't fit in, in my own home. I have drank alcohol, but only because growing up around an alcoholic, it was a learned way of life, when I was in my teens. I thought that's how I was supposed to cope with my problems. I'm not proud to admit it, but I have tried to kill myself. Only because I didn't know any other way to deal with the traumatic events that have plagued my life forever. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety, & borderline personality disorder in 2010. For 8 years I had to be on very strong medication to help control the horrific flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, my Major depression, voices, & my insomnia due to being a victim of very Traumatic, & inhumane childhood abuse. I recently had an event occur which disrupted my whole system & has caused me to face my childhood all over again. But I didn't let that slow me down, with how strong I have become over the past year & the tools I have learned over the years. I have no other choice but to embrace it, learn from it & just keep moving forward.
Over the years, I have been open about my abuse with friends. I don’t try to hide it anymore, when they ask questions about my childhood. As I make new friends, I know my past will eventually come up in conversation. But that's ok, because the more I talk about my past, the more of an inspiration I am to others who feel as though there is no hope, that have experienced an unfortunate tragic abuse in their life. With what I have had to endure for 15 years, day in & day out, I have no other option but to think & say, "Its just a part of who I am and my history." Through years of counseling, peer support, learning coping skills that work for me, staying open with my feelings, sharing my story with others around me. I have learned to accept it. I obviously can't go back & change everything that happened, all I can do is move forward.
I’ve been in support groups, peer support & counseling settings such as mental health organization groups, many long talks with friends, and talks with my assigned case workers throughout these 8 years. I have gained so much & have come so far through the 8 years! I have had Amazing support through mental health organizations, support groups, family & friends. If it weren't for God & the tremendous support I have had these 8 years, I literally would not be here today sharing my story & giving other survivors hope & inspiration!
Here's a little about who I am. I’m 37 years old. I have been married 18 years. I have two Beautiful, amazing girls. Fifteen & eleven. I have an amazing, supportive, caring husband who has always been here to help pick me up numerous of times! They are my rock, my foundation for which I stand on, they are my motivation, they are my inspiration to keep fighting each & every day! They remind me & show me every day, what love really is.
I will tell you this, I do have really bad health & severe pain in many areas, that I wish I never had. My health started deteriating when I was in my early thirties. As you have read in the first part of my story, I made the stupid choice to starve myself for 4 months, along with dealing with bulemia. I was extremely anorexic & had dropped so much weight. I was literally a walking twig! Not only that, but I was on multiple psych medications for eight long years, that I took on a daily basis for my PTSD, Major depression, Social anxiety, & borderline personality disorder. I had overdosed multiple times on whatever I could get my hands on. Which also took a major toll on my stomach. Due to my poor choices & actions, I now have a lifetime disease that has affected my stomach called Gastroparesis. My stomach no longer knows how to work. So therefore, I have to have a Gastric pacemaker surgically put in to help my stomach work again. To this day I still & will always regret my poor choices & actions. So what does that mean for me? Well as I have mentioned earlier, it is what it is. I can't go back & change it, I just have to move forward & learn from it. As the saying goes, with every action there is a consequence.
Well I am now paying for my selfish actions, by not being able to spend the time with my girls, I would very much love to. I can't work a full-time job, I can't get out & do the things with my friends that I want to. My health has limited me from doing a lot of things I still want to do. As a 37 year old woman, mother, & wife, I'm still in my prime years of life. I should be out enjoying more activities with my two girls, my husband, my friends. But unfortunately that's just not the case. I can sit here all day saying poor me, feeling sorry for myself, wishing & dwelling on my past actions by letting it affect me, but honestly where is that gonna get me? That's right, nowhere. I’m just happy & very much thankful to still be alive to watch my Beautiful girls grow up & mature into strong women. I know the Lord has a much better plan for me. I know, I can continue to be strong & push through my pain.
Here are some main ways & things I do to help me cope with my past and continue to love life, even on the darkest of days.
I find a sense of peace doing free style drawing, writing poems about my childhood, writing this book, journaling, reading my daily devotions, praying, coloring, talking with trusted friends, listening to music. Thank God for YOUTUBE! There are some very inspirational & motivational songs & video's on there that I can really relate to!
Although I am still in recovery, I do still have triggers, which I'm currently working on. My triggers are so sensitive to things like certain smells, words, shows, & sounds. To this day there have been situations that have come up that have thrown me off my game that I don't see coming. When these situations arise, they bring back some very painful memories. I’ve suffered from the worst abuse imaginable, throughout my childhood & early teens. I use to cry histerically to the point of having severe break downs that would lead, to me curling up into a ball & turn into severe panic attacks! But as I’ve gotten older and learned new ways of coping, I’ve learned how to control the situation before it's gets out of hand. I would put my headphones in, close my eyes & picture myself somewhere safe & sing as loud as I can to drown out the painful memories. Through much thought & observation, I have learned to recognize when I’ve been “Triggered." I have to remind myself of a few things. "You are safe" "You are not that little girl anymore" "He can't hurt you anymore" When you acknowledge the pain, it isn't always a bad thing, it may be an uncomfortable situation at first, if you're not used to it, but having a good grounding technic can help release those suppressed feelings of the memory, accepting that it happened, and reminding yourself, that it is & always will be a part of your past.
Once you continue to practice these grounding technics that only takes a few minutes a day, it'll almost becomes a habit, and then you'll reach that level of acceptance & recovery, you so very much longed for your entire life! You'll be able to move on with your life.
Back when I was younger, I didn't really have a strong Faith in God. I didn't quite understand it. But as I got older & was able to get a better understanding of who God was & what he did for us, everything else pretty much fell into place. Each time I went to church & started getting into God's word & asking lots of questions. I officially became a Christian during an extremely dark time in my life when I was in my late 20's, early thirties. Throughout my life God has turned my life around. I have felt his spirit in desperate times, I have heard his voice in my head, as weird as that may sound. but until you truly experienced it for yourself, you'll never know. He has protected me time & time again and has changed me. I may not be the most perfect person in the world. I'm human just like everyone else on this Earth. Every day, I have to rely heavily on His guidance, Peace, & strength. Without God, I wouldn't be the person I am today!
I would like to leave a message to anyone who has tragically had to suffer such inhumane abuse. If anything you have read in my story & have taken away from it, my message is this. Please Don’t give up! Never! Ever! Don't give those perpetrators that power over you! Never! Don't let them win! Your story isn't over yet! If you fall on your face & you get knocked down, you get right back up & keep fighting! I always got knocked down, but I dusted it off & got right back up! Learn some coping technics, they really work, if you put them into practice everyday! Here are some examples: Pray, meditate, put in your favorite music, sing, draw your feelings even if it's just a bunch of different colors, go for a walk, write what you're feeling. Do whatever it takes for you to keep going! Go to support groups in your local community, treat yourself to your favorite restaurant, go have some ice cream with a friend, watch your favorite romantic movie, start a book with your own story, write, journal. Whatever it takes! Never give up and never believe the things you were told you are or will be! You are so much more worth everything to God and you are worth a life of love in this world. Keep Going!
During the seven years, while I was going through being in & out of psychiatric hospitals, I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted my life to look like. I knew what I didn’t want it to look like. I’ve made some terrible mistakes along the way, that I'm very ashamed of, and I do have regrets, but overall, I’m proud of where I am (especially considering where I came from).
Psalm 90:12
“Teach us to number our days so that we may gain a heart of wisdom”
I’m a stay at home mom of 2 girls living on one income in an apartment that is a bit smaller than I’d like. With or without my past of childhood abuse, there are days I need to make me a priority! Figure out what makes you happy and what helps you to relax and incorporate those things into a REGULAR SELF CARE ROUTINE! I mean it. Regular. Even if it’s just 30 minutes to yourself once a week, do it!
Sure, God will place many things in your path to help you up, but nobody but YOU can decide, how & when it’s time to be rescued. There will not be a fairy tale prince or princess, or a fairy godmother around to come & rescue you. There may be people who will come & go in your life and hold those roles for a slight time, but only you have to make the decision wheather or not to take, learn, & put into practice, what they give you and keep pushing forward. I know it's easier said than done. I know exactly how you feel! I myself have said the same thing multiple times! I didn't ever think this long dark path was ever going to end! I literally couldn't imagine myself years back, seeing myself where I am today! Now I will tell you, it is unfair to put the pressure on your spouse or partner to continue to be your only source of happiness. My husband and I both come from abusive backgrounds, so I think we understand this better than some people. Had my husband come from an entirely/mostly healthy and happy childhood, he more than likely wouldn't understand at all what I have been through. We wouldn't have the connection & bond that we have today.
Here's an important fact to remember. Never stop telling your story! If the first person doesn’t listen, tell somebody else. If they don’t listen, tell somebody else. If they don’t listen, call a hotline, go to your pastor, go to your church, go to your trusted friends, go to your local mental health organizations, go to support groups! Never stop telling people until you’re listened to! Somebody will eventually listen! By sharing your story with others around you, you're not only making yourself heard but you're amazingly enough, giving that friend, church member, colleague, support group the inspiration & hope they need to open up & tell their story. By doing that, it shows others just how strong you are & you're making a difference in the lives of others, all around you whether you know it or not! Before you know it, lives all around the world will be changed by your courageous fight to keep going! The more & more you open up, the more comfortable & peaceful you will be.
When you hide something so traumatic & deep, that has been done to you, you’re shaming yourself and hiding pieces of you. By doing this, you are unable to show people all of yourself. Speaking up also helps you develop strength, & peace within. You’ll often find other friends and peers have been through similar traumas (it’s unfortunate how many people I have met in my short life that have had stories similar to mine).
When I began really sharing my story, my husband & I had only been married a short time. He was the very first one to know, other than of course the obvious. I did however finally tell my adopted mother when I was still in high school. But of course she pretty much tried to make it look like it was my fault. After all that, I had suspicions to believe that everybody around me had known. As I got a little older, more rumors of the abuse from those traumatic events of abuse that occured at home got back to me. Growing up, I had been manipulated as a young girl and slowly began distancing myself from family members. Due to having a very strong urgency of opening up & in turn suffering the consequences of it all. Holding in such deep dark secrets and sheltered painful experiences, are where troubles have a strong breeding ground! That’s why I have been working so hard to come out of the darkness that has surrounded me my whole life.
I have no idea if anything I’ve said & sharing my story, will be helpful, but I pray it will be. Being a victim of abuse is the most inhumane way to live! It's very destructive & traumatizing to a person's life! But so unbelievably common in our world today. I pray wherever you are, that you get the help you so very much need. Please, reach out to those around you and be a walking testimony! There is hope! I promise you! As long as you’re here, there is hope. Never give up! Never ever give up! Take it from me, let it make you stronger, don’t let it defeat you!
I am sending Love, hope, & support to all who read this. Please feel free to reach out to me on social media. I’m also on an blogging app called "feedr", you can download in the Google play store for free! I'm on here, & facebook. HMU
As you have already read in the first part of my tragic testimony, it's no secret that I am a survivor of very severe child abuse and neglect. As I have mentioned in Part 1 of my story, the abuse from my adopted parents began when I was 6 years old, I was raped by a friends boyfriend when I was 11 years old. The abuse from my adopted parents continued up until I was 19, until I moved out & got married & moved in with my husband.
I suffered severe abuse of all types my whole childhood! I was severely sexually, physically, mentally, & verbally abused, everyday for 15 years by my evil adopted parents. On top of all that, I was raped at the young age of 11. I was belittled, criticised, called names, no child on this Earth should ever be called, by my adopted parents! I’m not sure why, perhaps it was because I had to suffer the consequences of my biological parents mistakes. I had to take on, more than any child should ever have to endure at such a young age.
My focus & purpose of my book, is to get my story out there by expressing & helping others who have been through tragic abuse by telling others what my motivation & inspiration is for my daily life & how I survived the hard days. & how I continue to thrive in the good ones.
As a mother of two girls & a wife, I can't say I never tried any kind of drug. Back in high school, I tried pot one time. I tried to fit in else where, being I didn't fit in, in my own home. I have drank alcohol, but only because growing up around an alcoholic, it was a learned way of life, when I was in my teens. I thought that's how I was supposed to cope with my problems. I'm not proud to admit it, but I have tried to kill myself. Only because I didn't know any other way to deal with the traumatic events that have plagued my life forever. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety, & borderline personality disorder in 2010. For 8 years I had to be on very strong medication to help control the horrific flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, my Major depression, voices, & my insomnia due to being a victim of very Traumatic, & inhumane childhood abuse. I recently had an event occur which disrupted my whole system & has caused me to face my childhood all over again. But I didn't let that slow me down, with how strong I have become over the past year & the tools I have learned over the years. I have no other choice but to embrace it, learn from it & just keep moving forward.
Over the years, I have been open about my abuse with friends. I don’t try to hide it anymore, when they ask questions about my childhood. As I make new friends, I know my past will eventually come up in conversation. But that's ok, because the more I talk about my past, the more of an inspiration I am to others who feel as though there is no hope, that have experienced an unfortunate tragic abuse in their life. With what I have had to endure for 15 years, day in & day out, I have no other option but to think & say, "Its just a part of who I am and my history." Through years of counseling, peer support, learning coping skills that work for me, staying open with my feelings, sharing my story with others around me. I have learned to accept it. I obviously can't go back & change everything that happened, all I can do is move forward.
I’ve been in support groups, peer support & counseling settings such as mental health organization groups, many long talks with friends, and talks with my assigned case workers throughout these 8 years. I have gained so much & have come so far through the 8 years! I have had Amazing support through mental health organizations, support groups, family & friends. If it weren't for God & the tremendous support I have had these 8 years, I literally would not be here today sharing my story & giving other survivors hope & inspiration!
Here's a little about who I am. I’m 37 years old. I have been married 18 years. I have two Beautiful, amazing girls. Fifteen & eleven. I have an amazing, supportive, caring husband who has always been here to help pick me up numerous of times! They are my rock, my foundation for which I stand on, they are my motivation, they are my inspiration to keep fighting each & every day! They remind me & show me every day, what love really is.
I will tell you this, I do have really bad health & severe pain in many areas, that I wish I never had. My health started deteriating when I was in my early thirties. As you have read in the first part of my story, I made the stupid choice to starve myself for 4 months, along with dealing with bulemia. I was extremely anorexic & had dropped so much weight. I was literally a walking twig! Not only that, but I was on multiple psych medications for eight long years, that I took on a daily basis for my PTSD, Major depression, Social anxiety, & borderline personality disorder. I had overdosed multiple times on whatever I could get my hands on. Which also took a major toll on my stomach. Due to my poor choices & actions, I now have a lifetime disease that has affected my stomach called Gastroparesis. My stomach no longer knows how to work. So therefore, I have to have a Gastric pacemaker surgically put in to help my stomach work again. To this day I still & will always regret my poor choices & actions. So what does that mean for me? Well as I have mentioned earlier, it is what it is. I can't go back & change it, I just have to move forward & learn from it. As the saying goes, with every action there is a consequence.
Well I am now paying for my selfish actions, by not being able to spend the time with my girls, I would very much love to. I can't work a full-time job, I can't get out & do the things with my friends that I want to. My health has limited me from doing a lot of things I still want to do. As a 37 year old woman, mother, & wife, I'm still in my prime years of life. I should be out enjoying more activities with my two girls, my husband, my friends. But unfortunately that's just not the case. I can sit here all day saying poor me, feeling sorry for myself, wishing & dwelling on my past actions by letting it affect me, but honestly where is that gonna get me? That's right, nowhere. I’m just happy & very much thankful to still be alive to watch my Beautiful girls grow up & mature into strong women. I know the Lord has a much better plan for me. I know, I can continue to be strong & push through my pain.
Here are some main ways & things I do to help me cope with my past and continue to love life, even on the darkest of days.
I find a sense of peace doing free style drawing, writing poems about my childhood, writing this book, journaling, reading my daily devotions, praying, coloring, talking with trusted friends, listening to music. Thank God for YOUTUBE! There are some very inspirational & motivational songs & video's on there that I can really relate to!
Although I am still in recovery, I do still have triggers, which I'm currently working on. My triggers are so sensitive to things like certain smells, words, shows, & sounds. To this day there have been situations that have come up that have thrown me off my game that I don't see coming. When these situations arise, they bring back some very painful memories. I’ve suffered from the worst abuse imaginable, throughout my childhood & early teens. I use to cry histerically to the point of having severe break downs that would lead, to me curling up into a ball & turn into severe panic attacks! But as I’ve gotten older and learned new ways of coping, I’ve learned how to control the situation before it's gets out of hand. I would put my headphones in, close my eyes & picture myself somewhere safe & sing as loud as I can to drown out the painful memories. Through much thought & observation, I have learned to recognize when I’ve been “Triggered." I have to remind myself of a few things. "You are safe" "You are not that little girl anymore" "He can't hurt you anymore" When you acknowledge the pain, it isn't always a bad thing, it may be an uncomfortable situation at first, if you're not used to it, but having a good grounding technic can help release those suppressed feelings of the memory, accepting that it happened, and reminding yourself, that it is & always will be a part of your past.
Once you continue to practice these grounding technics that only takes a few minutes a day, it'll almost becomes a habit, and then you'll reach that level of acceptance & recovery, you so very much longed for your entire life! You'll be able to move on with your life.
Back when I was younger, I didn't really have a strong Faith in God. I didn't quite understand it. But as I got older & was able to get a better understanding of who God was & what he did for us, everything else pretty much fell into place. Each time I went to church & started getting into God's word & asking lots of questions. I officially became a Christian during an extremely dark time in my life when I was in my late 20's, early thirties. Throughout my life God has turned my life around. I have felt his spirit in desperate times, I have heard his voice in my head, as weird as that may sound. but until you truly experienced it for yourself, you'll never know. He has protected me time & time again and has changed me. I may not be the most perfect person in the world. I'm human just like everyone else on this Earth. Every day, I have to rely heavily on His guidance, Peace, & strength. Without God, I wouldn't be the person I am today!
I would like to leave a message to anyone who has tragically had to suffer such inhumane abuse. If anything you have read in my story & have taken away from it, my message is this. Please Don’t give up! Never! Ever! Don't give those perpetrators that power over you! Never! Don't let them win! Your story isn't over yet! If you fall on your face & you get knocked down, you get right back up & keep fighting! I always got knocked down, but I dusted it off & got right back up! Learn some coping technics, they really work, if you put them into practice everyday! Here are some examples: Pray, meditate, put in your favorite music, sing, draw your feelings even if it's just a bunch of different colors, go for a walk, write what you're feeling. Do whatever it takes for you to keep going! Go to support groups in your local community, treat yourself to your favorite restaurant, go have some ice cream with a friend, watch your favorite romantic movie, start a book with your own story, write, journal. Whatever it takes! Never give up and never believe the things you were told you are or will be! You are so much more worth everything to God and you are worth a life of love in this world. Keep Going!
During the seven years, while I was going through being in & out of psychiatric hospitals, I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted my life to look like. I knew what I didn’t want it to look like. I’ve made some terrible mistakes along the way, that I'm very ashamed of, and I do have regrets, but overall, I’m proud of where I am (especially considering where I came from).
Psalm 90:12
“Teach us to number our days so that we may gain a heart of wisdom”
I’m a stay at home mom of 2 girls living on one income in an apartment that is a bit smaller than I’d like. With or without my past of childhood abuse, there are days I need to make me a priority! Figure out what makes you happy and what helps you to relax and incorporate those things into a REGULAR SELF CARE ROUTINE! I mean it. Regular. Even if it’s just 30 minutes to yourself once a week, do it!
Sure, God will place many things in your path to help you up, but nobody but YOU can decide, how & when it’s time to be rescued. There will not be a fairy tale prince or princess, or a fairy godmother around to come & rescue you. There may be people who will come & go in your life and hold those roles for a slight time, but only you have to make the decision wheather or not to take, learn, & put into practice, what they give you and keep pushing forward. I know it's easier said than done. I know exactly how you feel! I myself have said the same thing multiple times! I didn't ever think this long dark path was ever going to end! I literally couldn't imagine myself years back, seeing myself where I am today! Now I will tell you, it is unfair to put the pressure on your spouse or partner to continue to be your only source of happiness. My husband and I both come from abusive backgrounds, so I think we understand this better than some people. Had my husband come from an entirely/mostly healthy and happy childhood, he more than likely wouldn't understand at all what I have been through. We wouldn't have the connection & bond that we have today.
Here's an important fact to remember. Never stop telling your story! If the first person doesn’t listen, tell somebody else. If they don’t listen, tell somebody else. If they don’t listen, call a hotline, go to your pastor, go to your church, go to your trusted friends, go to your local mental health organizations, go to support groups! Never stop telling people until you’re listened to! Somebody will eventually listen! By sharing your story with others around you, you're not only making yourself heard but you're amazingly enough, giving that friend, church member, colleague, support group the inspiration & hope they need to open up & tell their story. By doing that, it shows others just how strong you are & you're making a difference in the lives of others, all around you whether you know it or not! Before you know it, lives all around the world will be changed by your courageous fight to keep going! The more & more you open up, the more comfortable & peaceful you will be.
When you hide something so traumatic & deep, that has been done to you, you’re shaming yourself and hiding pieces of you. By doing this, you are unable to show people all of yourself. Speaking up also helps you develop strength, & peace within. You’ll often find other friends and peers have been through similar traumas (it’s unfortunate how many people I have met in my short life that have had stories similar to mine).
When I began really sharing my story, my husband & I had only been married a short time. He was the very first one to know, other than of course the obvious. I did however finally tell my adopted mother when I was still in high school. But of course she pretty much tried to make it look like it was my fault. After all that, I had suspicions to believe that everybody around me had known. As I got a little older, more rumors of the abuse from those traumatic events of abuse that occured at home got back to me. Growing up, I had been manipulated as a young girl and slowly began distancing myself from family members. Due to having a very strong urgency of opening up & in turn suffering the consequences of it all. Holding in such deep dark secrets and sheltered painful experiences, are where troubles have a strong breeding ground! That’s why I have been working so hard to come out of the darkness that has surrounded me my whole life.
I have no idea if anything I’ve said & sharing my story, will be helpful, but I pray it will be. Being a victim of abuse is the most inhumane way to live! It's very destructive & traumatizing to a person's life! But so unbelievably common in our world today. I pray wherever you are, that you get the help you so very much need. Please, reach out to those around you and be a walking testimony! There is hope! I promise you! As long as you’re here, there is hope. Never give up! Never ever give up! Take it from me, let it make you stronger, don’t let it defeat you!
I am sending Love, hope, & support to all who read this. Please feel free to reach out to me on social media. I’m also on an blogging app called "feedr", you can download in the Google play store for free! I'm on here, & facebook. HMU
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