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journey through my life
One day I went snooping I discovered Some documents As I sat and I started reading them. I started realizing what I was reading! Reality set in time stood still. Then bang the manic mind was off. Not realizing it was going to be a nightmare of a journey Struggling to make sense of the mind-blowing realization I was adopted. Realizing this was going to be a twenty-five-year search. Then the day came at twenty years old to get to meet my paternal mom. The day of the meeting came mind racing heart ready to jump out of my chest tears flowing. So many questions. As I sat at the table waiting for Nancy to come through the door to see her baby all grown up. The door opened it was not her! It was the social worker she looked me in my eyes and said! I will never forget the words "sorry we at this time feel it’s not In Nancy’s best interest to meet you." You could hear a pin drop. I went numb. I froze thoughts of anger Felt like hours before I could speak. I finally got the strength to speak choking back tears said ok. I got up from the table I looked back at all the state workers. I opened the door to leave my head hung low. What a long ride home. I screamed in tears I’m not taking no for the answer. I got home my momma and I spoke. She said it was okay with her. For me to search for my birth mother. I prayed to God asking for help on this long journey. I was off and running determined to find Nancy. I was baptized in the holy spirit at a young age at Bright Clouds. I was on fire for the lord. I lead my mamma to the lord to accept him. Things were good then bang I found drugs I would stay clean on and off for years. Then at 16 years old I was on a motorcycle and hit head-on. My mamma watched me fly. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got to see the white light. It was warm and loving. I fell to the wayside hard. Just trying to fit in with the world. Mamma died in 99. That was a major blow to my walk. I got to the point of saying F God. I wanted to die. God said no. then I went to Maine where I was baptized again My walk didn’t last long back to drugs. Then I wound up homeless more than once. I found my way to North Carolina where I found a crack pipe. 12 am Sunday morning something came over my spirit I went and banged on my Neighbor’s door who is a strong Christian woman told me to come back at 9:00 am. She would bring me to get help. At friendship temple. Pastor Evans stood up God spoke Through him and said I was free from the crack addiction. I got clean for ninety days got in my head, oh one more blast won’t hurt I was wrong got clean I moved again this time Maine. Then I was in Arizona clean again then I moved again back to the east coast for a little bit. Then I went back to Arizona and I fell hard I found crack yet again for 5 months of a high I almost died than before my aunt died. I called to talk to my uncle my aunt said he was out She said my uncle went to church. My uncle was an Atheist. Over the years I would tell my uncle how God worked in my life. I’ll never forget the words my uncle said to me on the phone. He told me there had to be the truth about what I was telling him about God. He excepted Jesus Christ as his savior My aunt died before Christmas. We didn’t get to say bye. Then my uncle who I loved died shortly after her death. I wanted to die, God, said no again. Then I changed my thinking. It was rough still clean. Then I got baptized again clean and sober. Still searching for Nancy. I started the journey again a prayer was answered 1 week before Christmas Nancy was found. This time there were no state workers. I had an address and a phone number for Nancy. I’ll never forget the first call to Nancy. I lied when I called I said I was her nephew. The staff at the nursing home brought Nancy the phone. My heart was racing. Nancy gave me my first name Jimmy. For the first time in my life, I got to hear Nancy’s voice. I said hello Nancy. She said my Jimmy omg the tears started flowing. I said yes we talked as I said bye to Nancy I got off the phone I said okay God I knocked you answered. You got me this far in the journey. If it is your will I will meet Nancy one day. Time went on I moved to Connecticut. I was clean. I went to a meeting to get my year-clean keychain. The next morning I wanted to go to church I found Faith Church in New Milford. The church I was celebrating my year clean time in I discovered I was setting in the church my journey started with God Bright clouds church was its former name. The pastor was from Bronx New York. Where my adoptive mom was from. I realized I was standing at ground zero. Where I was baptized years ago. I then got my 1st job as an over-the-road truck driver with CR England it was ruff. Still thinking about Nancy. I put a two-week notice in because God answered another prayer I was getting married. Before I got married I asked my future wife if she would like to talk to my mom (Nancy)? She said yes. Linda told Nancy she was marrying me. Nancy said my Jimmy. I looked at my Quell com for my next load assignment. I opened my assignment the load was going to Chicago I called home Hysterical. God answered another prayer Nancy lives in Chicago. I called my boss explained about Nancy. I was told to go deliver my assignment and take all the time I needed. On October 1, 2015, I met my mother. The best part was her birthday was October 18th. So her Jimmy was God's gift to her for her birthday. All pain and tears and the loss of my hero were ruffs. If it was not for all those rough years I wouldn’t be the man I am today. God was not done with me. I realized all the no’s were building me. Through all the hurt and sadness to be the man God had planned me to be. The No’s were temporary to fix or make life changes. To make me ready to be what God want’s me to be. This is my gift from God my birth mother. Nancy Bishop. 2016 was a rough year got Diagnosed with Severe spinal stenosis lost my Career as a truck driver. I went to change my address with DMV a few months back this year to find out as of 2017 my CDL was gone. I cried I went from hearing the word of God to reading scripture from wake up till bed. God started moving in my life again. To have me walk in grace by faith.
By Jet
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309
Rebuilding
So amazing you think you found the one.
For years trying to be your best
Being told from the jump I'm going to hurt you
Thinking no way someone could be so cruel
Overlooking so many hurtful things
Trying to just see the good under a mess
Only to have your heart ripped apart
As years flew by the sadness grew stronger
Till the day came to walk away
Never looking back
As I sit here pondering did I try hard enough
So many unanswered questions
Having faith to walk into a new chapter of life
Alone but in reality, I am not alone
Each passing day the soul grows stronger
By Jet
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308
No memories
No memories of a kind man. Only pictures of A great man (papa) That taught me how to swim, catch a ball so many great pictures Then a day came when purity was lost coming home from school unaware tragedy was about to steal the innocence of my youth Running in the door yelling out of sheer excitement to see papa. Papa! Papa! as I was running up the stair. Got to the top looked in the living room no papa. I turned to go to his room papa! Papa! I saw the glow of the bathroom, light no papa. As turned I looked in papa’s bedroom. Papa! Was on the floor As I reached out to touch Papa not understanding why you were so cold to the touch Not understanding why. Papa! Papa! Wake up. He wouldn't wake up. I screamed momma! Papa won't wake up. Momma came running to the bedroom only to see papa’s lifeless body. Crying I asked momma why won't papa wake up? Momma picked me up and held me tight choking back tears as well. Papa went home to be with the angels.
Why did they take my Papa momma?
©james Elliott Tully
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328
Stuck between two chapters
Being one of many true rare men
Clearly from the beginning, it was great
So one would have thought
As time passed the truth arrived
Seeing how one was deprived of the truth
For so long in this chapter
There is an end to this chapter insight
Seeing the concept of reality Of this chapter
Having a greater awareness
Becoming more unstuck between the two
Seeing what the new chapter holds
By JET
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Free from feer
We are told to be not afraid
For there should be no fear
Where there is faith
There is no fear
To face the struggles of life.
When one's life is lived with no fear.
vicariously living a life of no fear.
Imagine if you will
A life lived with no fear
No fear of death
Trying to maintain a balance
Of a frantic mind
Filled with great sorrow
Oh, the pain and the anger
For the scars run so deep
Going from no fear
To it is what it is
Till the very last breath of life.
By Jet
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285
