C H A P T E R VI.
❝ not all souls can recover ❞
cutting myself feels like i'm drowning, into a bloody river, where all the fishes are dead, and all i can see are the skeletons of them. i always hated cutting, and burning, and starving, but i needed those to escape reality, to feel like i live, to feel like i'm not half dead. even though i was. and i still am.
but then you came, and made my world better, with your smiles, with your cuddles, with you.
cluj-napoca, romania
2020. february 19.
kristóf
they were talking on messenger, while she was being sent to the hospital, because the doctors were hoping she would recover after four years.
and then he came, while she was laying on the bed, in her usual blue denim trousers, while talking to her new friends.
he was at the door, ringing the bell, like a thousand times, when the cleaning lady opened it. there was no one in the nurse's room. then he found her salon. when he entered she ran towards him, and greeted him with a big hug. he stayed there for more than two and a half hours.
when he wanted to leave, they realized the nurses where in their little room, when she asked if they would let her down on the back of the mental hospital, for her to smoke a cigarette, with him.
they eventually let them down, after she lied about that he is her cousin, which obviously wasn't true.
they let them done, and as she smoked her marlboro blue, seven, they said goodbye with a long kiss.
the day after she felt like hell, while she was laying on her temporary bed, whilst talking to one of her new friends she made in the psych ward. she had her hands bandaged, from all the cutting she did two days ago. she told him, what she did, and for her surprise, he didn't freaked out. he was just worried, and she understood him for it. she would've been worried too, if he would've done the same thing as her.
on that night, she found a pencil sharpener in her grandmother's room, where it was put out of her sight, so she can't find it. they thought she would be so stupid, but no, she was smart, at least in things like these, not things like mathematics and physics. she got out the blade, with a knife, while she was searching for some bandages. she found sterile ones, and as she went in the the bathroom, she got out the blade, and started hurting herself. her mother wasn't home, her grandmother was out with her dog, kira. it was only her in that apartment. and maybe that's why she hurt herself. she thought to herself, no one will notice. but she eventually told her mother, what happened with her on december, the 29th. she was sexually abused; a word more uglier, she was raped. and she told her that that's why she relapsed after so many times of being clean.
as she went out, she saw him. sitting at the end of the corridor, on a white bench.
she went to him, while the brigade doctor went up to them.
"so, you can't stay with her, i called her rezident, she doesn't even know that you exist" the doctor said, as she started to be more and more silent. then tears came out of her eyes. events started spinning hopelessly out of control. it was their first months anniversary. he bought a strawberry donut for her.
the blood pounded in her ears. her heart thudded in her chest. her hands shook. Her feet tingled. Her vision disfigured, as if she were looking through a fisheye lens. she had to get away. she needed a cigarette. she couldn't stay anymore in that place.
she cried harder, her chest growing tight as bile rose in her throat.
"are you okay?" he asked from her, as she couldn't keep it anymore, and went back to her salon. she started screaming at everyone, she was mad at the doctor, at the nurse, and at herself, for making this much of a breakdown just for this. she couldn't handle it anymore.
"that fucking bitch is not letting me see him" she screamed, while talking to her friends there. he heard her shouting, while the nurse talked to him.
days later, he came there with her mother, so they had to let him in so he can see her.
a couple days after, she was sleeping in her bed, when her mother entered the room, with him.
they asked for letting them down, and the nurse agreed. when they left the hospital, to the backyard, they were holding hands already.
as they arrived down, they sat down on a bench, and as she laid her head on his shoulder, they started talking.
"what happened after i left?" he asked, as he held her hand while sitting.
"i cried, my grandma came, i went down, i smoked, like four cigarettes after one another" she replied.
"oh" he yelped, as she looked at him.
"what?" she asked.
"nothing" he replied.
"if you say so" she replied back.
they sat there, silently, when her mother came back to them, and told them, that they should go back up.
and then days later, on a saturday her mother asked her out of the psychiatry, and they let them out in the city, but actually they went to her home.
she texted him, because she wanted to see him, and he came to her apartment, where they sat down, they started kissing in her room, smoking cigarettes, and talking. it was like a normal day. but after, they had to go back.
on the way there, they were holding each other's hand in the car.
on monday, for him, it was a normal day, just without her smiles, and texts. he was in school, where two of his classmates fought on which one of them is tougher, while he just laughed at them.
all day, he just had three classes in which they didn't do anything.
then his class went to the library, in mărăști, where she lived. in the library, his class did some activities, where they made gift cards for march, the 8th. he wanted to make a necklace for her, made of colored paper, but eventually he didn't do it, he failed.
then he texted to her profile, a message. "hey, u might just opened ur phone and it means ur out of the psychiatry at last. u don't know how much i've missed u, i was hoping that u will leave this week or day idk, i just wanna say, i love u and welcome back to the "ground"."
she read it, because that time she got out of the mental hospital. then she replied.
"im out" she texted.
he was really excited, as he left the library, he went right to her apartment, where she wasn't yet, as he arrived.
they greeted each other with a long hug, and a long kiss too.
she was finally out, back on the ground.
cutting myself feels like i'm drowning, into a bloody river, where all the fishes are dead, and all i can see are the skeletons of them. i always hated cutting, and burning, and starving, but i needed those to escape reality, to feel like i live, to feel like i'm not half dead. even though i was. and i still am.
but then you came, and made my world better, with your smiles, with your cuddles, with you.
cluj-napoca, romania
2020. february 19.
kristóf
they were talking on messenger, while she was being sent to the hospital, because the doctors were hoping she would recover after four years.
and then he came, while she was laying on the bed, in her usual blue denim trousers, while talking to her new friends.
he was at the door, ringing the bell, like a thousand times, when the cleaning lady opened it. there was no one in the nurse's room. then he found her salon. when he entered she ran towards him, and greeted him with a big hug. he stayed there for more than two and a half hours.
when he wanted to leave, they realized the nurses where in their little room, when she asked if they would let her down on the back of the mental hospital, for her to smoke a cigarette, with him.
they eventually let them down, after she lied about that he is her cousin, which obviously wasn't true.
they let them done, and as she smoked her marlboro blue, seven, they said goodbye with a long kiss.
the day after she felt like hell, while she was laying on her temporary bed, whilst talking to one of her new friends she made in the psych ward. she had her hands bandaged, from all the cutting she did two days ago. she told him, what she did, and for her surprise, he didn't freaked out. he was just worried, and she understood him for it. she would've been worried too, if he would've done the same thing as her.
on that night, she found a pencil sharpener in her grandmother's room, where it was put out of her sight, so she can't find it. they thought she would be so stupid, but no, she was smart, at least in things like these, not things like mathematics and physics. she got out the blade, with a knife, while she was searching for some bandages. she found sterile ones, and as she went in the the bathroom, she got out the blade, and started hurting herself. her mother wasn't home, her grandmother was out with her dog, kira. it was only her in that apartment. and maybe that's why she hurt herself. she thought to herself, no one will notice. but she eventually told her mother, what happened with her on december, the 29th. she was sexually abused; a word more uglier, she was raped. and she told her that that's why she relapsed after so many times of being clean.
as she went out, she saw him. sitting at the end of the corridor, on a white bench.
she went to him, while the brigade doctor went up to them.
"so, you can't stay with her, i called her rezident, she doesn't even know that you exist" the doctor said, as she started to be more and more silent. then tears came out of her eyes. events started spinning hopelessly out of control. it was their first months anniversary. he bought a strawberry donut for her.
the blood pounded in her ears. her heart thudded in her chest. her hands shook. Her feet tingled. Her vision disfigured, as if she were looking through a fisheye lens. she had to get away. she needed a cigarette. she couldn't stay anymore in that place.
she cried harder, her chest growing tight as bile rose in her throat.
"are you okay?" he asked from her, as she couldn't keep it anymore, and went back to her salon. she started screaming at everyone, she was mad at the doctor, at the nurse, and at herself, for making this much of a breakdown just for this. she couldn't handle it anymore.
"that fucking bitch is not letting me see him" she screamed, while talking to her friends there. he heard her shouting, while the nurse talked to him.
days later, he came there with her mother, so they had to let him in so he can see her.
a couple days after, she was sleeping in her bed, when her mother entered the room, with him.
they asked for letting them down, and the nurse agreed. when they left the hospital, to the backyard, they were holding hands already.
as they arrived down, they sat down on a bench, and as she laid her head on his shoulder, they started talking.
"what happened after i left?" he asked, as he held her hand while sitting.
"i cried, my grandma came, i went down, i smoked, like four cigarettes after one another" she replied.
"oh" he yelped, as she looked at him.
"what?" she asked.
"nothing" he replied.
"if you say so" she replied back.
they sat there, silently, when her mother came back to them, and told them, that they should go back up.
and then days later, on a saturday her mother asked her out of the psychiatry, and they let them out in the city, but actually they went to her home.
she texted him, because she wanted to see him, and he came to her apartment, where they sat down, they started kissing in her room, smoking cigarettes, and talking. it was like a normal day. but after, they had to go back.
on the way there, they were holding each other's hand in the car.
on monday, for him, it was a normal day, just without her smiles, and texts. he was in school, where two of his classmates fought on which one of them is tougher, while he just laughed at them.
all day, he just had three classes in which they didn't do anything.
then his class went to the library, in mărăști, where she lived. in the library, his class did some activities, where they made gift cards for march, the 8th. he wanted to make a necklace for her, made of colored paper, but eventually he didn't do it, he failed.
then he texted to her profile, a message. "hey, u might just opened ur phone and it means ur out of the psychiatry at last. u don't know how much i've missed u, i was hoping that u will leave this week or day idk, i just wanna say, i love u and welcome back to the "ground"."
she read it, because that time she got out of the mental hospital. then she replied.
"im out" she texted.
he was really excited, as he left the library, he went right to her apartment, where she wasn't yet, as he arrived.
they greeted each other with a long hug, and a long kiss too.
she was finally out, back on the ground.
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