chapter viii   Tired    I walk toward everything except fear over seaweed-covered rocks I think that someday some new women will be allowed to see each other happy happy more than usual I looked in all the other open rooms of my heart A vague fear obscured the whole scene into a diorama of ruin As sharp as a sword-cut    the light struck    a half-reclining cloud Time and distance trembled in my body   •   To become in love with everything apropos of nothing To see without seeming to stare To change in the reflection To appear peculiar   •   We never refer to sadness as something that looks like secrecy but it does   •   I drifted on the fresh breeze I did not like it Joy     joy     joy although not joy    a bad thing I can feel it wet against my bosom My journey is mapped and ready I am only taking one dress   •   I don’t want to talk     of infinitesimal distinctions between man and man     see no difference     between men and maidens I am the modern Morpheus I made the minutes disappear I am thin an errant swarm of bees a naked lunatic faithful selfish old a tiger immensely strong a wild beast a paroxysm of rage mercy murder coming coming coming   chapter xiv   After a bad night I lock myself in my room and read I had only imagination I remember how on our wedding day    he said I shall never let trouble or nervousness concern you    you can trust me I must not forgive    I cannot     I know the real truth now My imagination tinges everything with ill adventure I suppose a cry clears the air    as other rain does   •   I have a good memory for details it is not always so with young ladies    or so it had been said to me I cannot comprehend this husband Women all their lives are interrupted    considered hysterical summoned to make children for the strong and manly and for his sake must smile and not speak Now this man I began to think a weak fool I had trusted him    my husband even half believed his words when he said I would have an ordinary life    without dread   •   Let me tell you from experience of men his brain and heart are terrible things This man    impotent in the dark He succeeded in getting me to doubt everything took a hue of unreality I did not trust even my own senses You don’t know what it is to doubt everything    even yourself I am a wife he fashioned by his own hand to be sweet and earnest and so kind   •   An idea struck me Following great loss     people see things that others cannot Men want to explain explain explain see themselves new    pretend to be young Ladies’ bodies are deemed unholy by the very men who burn them Generations of men believe that women walk amongst them without knowledge My thesis is this I want to believe    to believe     to believe in a universe    willing to understand   chapter xxi   A detail in a pool of blood the body gathered in an awkward kink I dress myself  in easy anything   •   I softened into a swollen confusion only slightly solid    I was shining He beckoned His hands    a dark mass like a thousand rats A cloud closed over my eyes I moistened myself with brandy I held tight to life I became like water   •   Kneeling on the edge of the bed    his face was turned his left hand    held both arms    his right gripped my neck    blood    a thin stream of it    his nostrils quivered   •   I lay in disarray my eyes    and from them came    an endless moment Cold moonshine dazed me    I began to pull on clothes I drew back    unclean Shame folded me like steel    tried to twist me in obedience I could not feel the rise of reddening dawn Silence    the sound of  what happened   •   I want you to know all this understand    how much I need to show you It was he who caused me to disappear My husband    my husband and other men hunt me and command    my flesh my blood my brain This is my pollution story   •   The eastern sky became clear              as the awful narrative deepened                           in the morning light                                        when the first red streak shot up my flesh