Beyond my life's fourth year, I don't remember much, aside from flashbacks here and there, and being out of touch. The different stories paint it as anything but pretty, I can only recall that to me it felt quite Scarry Locked in closets and basements, till the police came to end it all, but one end is just a beginning as you pass around the old rubber ball. Taken away and placed into the hands of another, unwanted and cast aside, orphaned with no father or mother. Bouncing around from place to place, seeing only rejection on every face. Searching for a sign of approval, finding not a single trace. Off to the orphanage with this one, is what my uncle said, but praise god his sister, had a different idea instead. As of right now you're bringing her to me, my miracle child she shall be...my years spent in Colorado, these were pretty mild, between there and life in Illinois, I'd become quite bitter and wild. It was nothing less than a miracle, that I even survived... As my guardian angels worked over time trying to keep me alive! I had became a loner, feeling isolated and full of hate, when cultics, drugs, and suicide almost led me to an early fate. I'd became quite antisocial as a youngster, I was too blind to see... To see beauty beyond the pain, felt there was nothing left beautiful for me. Even with other people, I couldn't see them for who they are. Only as groups and cliques of rejection, as I observed them from afar. Finally through many sessions of therapy, I actually made a friend it felt pretty amazing, much like being born again. Either she was me or I was her, in any case, through her my most creative thoughts occur My junior year was one big celebration, getting married just 3months beyond my graduation. Of my 10 yeah marriage it was mostly hell, getting worse each day with no one to tell. Living in cars and garages is certainly not fun, When you're chronically broke and homeless, there's no where to run. For a short while a job and college seemed to hold the key to unblocking all my hopes and dreams, and finding my destiny. More abuse, drugs and alcohol destroyed my dreams life and career. To be a good writer and artist, one must be thinking clear. He shattered my dreams and my heart, my life was once again shattered and torn all apart! À So much time has gone, I decided it was time to go on, some of my family I finally met, and a few healthy goals in life, I finally set. I praise the creator for miraculously keeping each one rarely safe and sound, blessed be that each one, was somehow able to be found. Although we were all raised so far apart, there's not I single day I haven't held them all in my heart. I reunited with my mother in love, I prayed it would always last, while trying desperately to reconcile the bitter pills of the past. After many more years of abuse, a divorce finally came my way. Praises to the creator, I could finally come out as Buddhist and gay,..with hope for the future to find a better day.... After many lessons and years later, I've returned to write some more, now I'm that in my 40s, still standing at the door. I may never finish college, but I did excel in school, The school where life is the only teacher, and the lessons are all hands on as she teaches us each the golden rule. I've saw so many cross over, to their home beyond the veil, my childhood seems so long ago, like almost a fade away fairy tale. What I remember most, is the love that I'd been given, if not for that in my life, I couldn't have gone on living. Mom was unable to have natural children, so she prayed and god sent me to her. A miracle in disguise, my life was saved for sure! My Mom worked three jobs and dad was the retired caregiver instead. Mom, the disciplinarian who set all the rules, yet I never knew how her poor hands had bled. They raised me in a really old fashioned sort of way, andi try not to be resentful, and be grateful for it today. I learned about the depression, and many ways to survive, I learned how to respect my elders, in times of great peril their wisdom with keep you alive. I learned respect for life in all her luxurious forms, I learned not to give up so easily, but rather to dance through life's rough times and weather out her storms. I learned to appreciate life even through the struggles and pain, we need it in our lives like plants need both sunshine and rain. I never felt pretty or loved, though I was mistakenly wrong. Even in life's stormiest moments, there is always help to guide you along. I became equipped with the tools I needed, in this life to make it through. I was taught to seek the miricals and lessons in everything that I do. With everything I try, I was taught to give it my best. To put my best foot forward, and allow the creator to do the rest Everything seemed so difficult, like a big challenge or test. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't pass them, even though I always would try my best. One day it finally sunk in, I had an epiphany and such, oh what a day of joy, I realized I was loved very much! I spent my time lonely and depressed after another shipwreck of abuse. Contemplating suicide, and searching for any excuse. Now not feeling so desperate for my life to come to an end, I just picked !myself up, dusted off, and began all over again. Now that I know the key to life is not found in wallowing in lifes misery and pain. But learning to follow the path of the butterfly and trying to dance in the rain. There are still some days I feel like an old tattered ball, that's been tossed and bounced around, Although I know that I've been blessed as true love has finally been found! I was lucky enough to marry the greatest gift I've ever known, True Love is the greatest treasure in life, one could ever be shown!