Routine...Routine...Routine... After a long night crying...You wake up for a whole day of same ones that passed...You sit in ur bed holding the tears in ur eyes from last night not wanting for others to fall down... Then u force urself to get up while ur head saying get back...then You stand in front of the mirror hoping you can see a piece of u still there...but all u can see is another piece falling down...and You force urself to take a deep breath and not cry... Pushing urself to be strong "You got this girl"... Wash ur face,brush ur teath,drink water,while u want to get some breakfast ..u can't, u r not hungry... Get ur self up and head to the shower... Put ur make up on ,and u paint that fake smile all along...despite the happy face there is a broken soul that u can't face...take a deep heavy breath head to the door... Get down stairs,get to the front door... Open it up ..and ur first thought is " here it comes an other day ...full of fake happiness.. Full of bad thoughts ...full of broken pieces.. And all full of bordem" ... Acting happy all day ...that's hard u know ..to pretend.. That's frustrating, exhausting.. U just wish the day ends just to get back to ur dark room...where u feel comfortable with ur dark, depressed energy of doing nothing... U want to get back where no one can see the real broken u... That dark place u build up and feels like the only place u belong to... How can u do that ... I mean isn't it hard.. U know its totally hard and exhausting.. But that's the only thing that will keep ppl questioning u all around,in every turn...that's what makes the walls between ppl and ur own comfortable darkness u live in...u just get used to it...there is no cure...it can't be fix...its just something u learn to live with,of that am totally sure...but I know that everything has a cure... If that so, I think am not the one who is gonna get through this ... Maybe I am an exception... Maybe I was born just to feel hurt,dumped and non wanted I was born to suffer as a matter of fact...nothing in my life feels like happy or sound like that... They say happiness is like sweets... I would like to taste this sweetness once in my life...but then a bad thought pops up in my head... When I were a lil kid they warned me not to eat too much sweets ...why?!... Cuz it will damage ur teeths...so I kept that in mind... Every time happiness tries to hit me.. I push it back... Cuz am still convinced with the idea it will damage me ... So that wasn't my fault it's Thiers .. But till when u gonna restrain urself from being happy ... As long as I can ...cuz I know when I get too happy it always goes wrong...it always going to be bad soon... Its just a feeling deep inside.. And unfortunately it always happens ...it's not easy to be broken and fear happiness ... Its not easy to live with the idea of every prsn is gonna hurt u in a way u can't even imagine... It's not easy to pretend good when u are not close enough to that.. Seeing me smile from the out side .. When u see from the inside am crushing down...I seem like nothing can break me...that's right ,how can you even break something is already broken... And that kills more u have friends as the same as u ... Faking their happiness... How can we hold that...how can we lay on each other while we are as broken as each ... We can break with a blow of a wind... I feel stuck in here am not able to feel anything but sadness .. Sometime I just feel overcome ,I just cry ,I lash out feel down out of no where... How can this stop.. I want it to stop...but if I don't like other ways .. Am afraid to lose the only thing that keeping me alive ..my sadness.. I wore a mask for so long that I forgot who I am be beneath it..and it feels I started to lose myself..u know I figured out why am so sad ..because I was made from a broken part ..I was born broken from the start.. My mom affected me with her darkness... And now am the only one suffering it always have been this way ,I took her darkness away with me and that's how it started ...every time I get hurt that darkness get fed up and pulls me back