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Just Questioning?
How did I become like this?why did I ?
These 2 questions are going back and forth in my mind since a while.. how can a person be cold,careless, alone,brutal,cruel like this... is it a matter of time..is it a matter of ppl.. is it a matter of actions.. is it a matter of friends.. is it a matter of fake emotions that he has been given..maybe it's a matter of treatment... Actually is a matter of all of the above ...how you treat ppl is important.. don't treat em like shit and expect them to smile at your face ... you,if they treat you like garbage you won't like it..how can the other prsn take it... for fuck sake spreading rumors abt someone doesn't get you a reward.. you won't get paid for it.. you just wanna be noticed,right!...you got theme talking.. so what?!was that your aim..? congrats, you got theme where you wanted... happy now! .. this is why you should not trust ppl at all..any time, they will turn their back to you..how abt faking emotions... you pretend to love the prsn..do anything to make him/her fall for you...and when you get what you wanted..boom surprise motherfucker we are no longer for each other... or create a stupid thing to break up or to walk away... is that a man's act!! srsly?!.. if that what a man is.. so fuck it..I'll better be alone then stick around some bitches calling themselves "men". ..breaking a heart is not a game. .. when you break Glass..its not going to be fixed..the only solution is to throw it..to not hurt yourself.. how can you do that to a person n make em live with that broken glass.. if you got afraid of cutting yourself ..how do you expect them to live with that.. it hurts so much.. What about your fake friends... Are they still their with you or they are gone when they got what they wanted... Never expect less from them they might be the ones you trusted and exposed your sacred secrets ..you might need to check that out .
nothing is good in my life... other than food there is nothing good at all.. I seem happy.. my life seems good and full of happiness.. but hey! don't judge a book by its cover...I had enough physically, psychologically, emotionally, mentally.. I'm tired... am not good..matter of fact I might have never been.. a mother that doesn't treat you like you are from her own flesh and blood ... the only prsn that supposed to feel and love you support you and be by your side and guide u...is not there for you..what do you expect... from others to love you..no way..if your own mother didn't love you how can they .. a dad that doesn't know your bday until lately.. does not know what you like or dislike..or what's happening in your life you happening to u...how you expect others to understand you.. no one can help you other than yourself..
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Monsters
pain is something natural...it's something that runs in human blood...something that keeps you human...as long as you feel pain you're human...
for example you're heartbroken ;you cry.. you get cut you feel that pain... you're angry you scream,shout, yell...etc that's what makes you human and have sentiments..
unlike some ppl including me they don't like to show that and some they don't even have em...
it's not like we cannot be hurt..yes we get hurt but its the matter of time..how many time you have been hurt.. betrayed.. broken..these small word with big impact on ppl lead to insensitivity.. some of us choose to hide it but others they just throw it... but it doesn't tell that we are not human ..we are deep down somewhere we are but in the surface we are nothing less than a cold bastard Monster...it seems quite horrific...it is.. because now if you're emotional you're weak..if you cry you're weak..if you're heartbroken you're dumb to believe in such a stupid thing that doesn't exist...we feel afraid to show our personality in public... afraid to love or be loved..we started to fear our own emotions.. building ourselves on coldness, carelessness, loneliness.. had created something awful.. had made us to wear masks... everyone wears a mask.. No one is really showing the true prsn he is.. if the mask be removed you'll be chocked with the evil some ppl are hiding.. if you compare them to the Monsters that you were told stories abt when you were a kid... you will find out that human are the monsters
if they can hide their true personality like that... wht else they are capable of doing other than that... just imagining that freaks me out...
yes..I have such a lack of emotions and things,indeed.. but not that cruel..
I haven't been me for a while now...and that sucked.. am wondering how can they be like that all the time... I can't even swallow that thought...how can that be possible...aren't they getting tried of that... if that to be said...Monsters are not under your bed..they are just beside you telling you good night...waving at you..chatting with you..sitting with you in class..telling you I love you ..just be careful...even now you don't even know who's talking..is that you or the Monster inside you😂😉
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M'fact...
Routine...Routine...Routine...
After a long night crying...You wake up for a whole day of same ones that passed...You sit in ur bed holding the tears in ur eyes from last night not wanting for others to fall down... Then u force urself to get up while ur head saying get back...then You stand in front of the mirror hoping you can see a piece of u still there...but all u can see is another piece falling down...and You force urself to take a deep breath and not cry... Pushing urself to be strong "You got this girl"... Wash ur face,brush ur teath,drink water,while u want to get some breakfast ..u can't, u r not hungry... Get ur self up and head to the shower... Put ur make up on ,and u paint that fake smile all along...despite the happy face there is a broken soul that u can't face...take a deep heavy breath head to the door... Get down stairs,get to the front door... Open it up ..and ur first thought is " here it comes an other day ...full of fake happiness.. Full of bad thoughts ...full of broken pieces.. And all full of bordem" ... Acting happy all day ...that's hard u know ..to pretend.. That's frustrating, exhausting.. U just wish the day ends just to get back to ur dark room...where u feel comfortable with ur dark, depressed energy of doing nothing... U want to get back where no one can see the real broken u... That dark place u build up and feels like the only place u belong to... How can u do that ... I mean isn't it hard.. U know its totally hard and exhausting.. But that's the only thing that will keep ppl questioning u all around,in every turn...that's what makes the walls between ppl and ur own comfortable darkness u live in...u just get used to it...there is no cure...it can't be fix...its just something u learn to live with,of that am totally sure...but I know that everything has a cure... If that so, I think am not the one who is gonna get through this ... Maybe I am an exception... Maybe I was born just to feel hurt,dumped and non wanted I was born to suffer as a matter of fact...nothing in my life feels like happy or sound like that... They say happiness is like sweets... I would like to taste this sweetness once in my life...but then a bad thought pops up in my head... When I were a lil kid they warned me not to eat too much sweets ...why?!... Cuz it will damage ur teeths...so I kept that in mind... Every time happiness tries to hit me.. I push it back... Cuz am still convinced with the idea it will damage me ... So that wasn't my fault it's Thiers ..
But till when u gonna restrain urself from being happy ...
As long as I can ...cuz I know when I get too happy it always goes wrong...it always going to be bad soon... Its just a feeling deep inside.. And unfortunately it always happens ...it's not easy to be broken and fear happiness ... Its not easy to live with the idea of every prsn is gonna hurt u in a way u can't even imagine... It's not easy to pretend good when u are not close enough to that.. Seeing me smile from the out side .. When u see from the inside am crushing down...I seem like nothing can break me...that's right ,how can you even break something is already broken... And that kills more u have friends as the same as u ... Faking their happiness... How can we hold that...how can we lay on each other while we are as broken as each ... We can break with a blow of a wind... I feel stuck in here am not able to feel anything but sadness .. Sometime I just feel overcome ,I just cry ,I lash out feel down out of no where... How can this stop.. I want it to stop...but if I don't like other ways .. Am afraid to lose the only thing that keeping me alive ..my sadness.. I wore a mask for so long that I forgot who I am be beneath it..and it feels I started to lose myself..u know I figured out why am so sad ..because I was made from a broken part ..I was born broken from the start.. My mom affected me with her darkness... And now am the only one suffering it always have been this way ,I took her darkness away with me and that's how it started ...every time I get hurt that darkness get fed up and pulls me back
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YOU
The days u spent lying on ur bed... Starring at the ceiling... Fading away...no regards of what would be the consequences... was that the solution? Did everything go away?! Did u feel good?! Did that make u feel good? Answer..
Or...
You just got drowned in deeper and deeper ..
U know that every single time u lock ur self in ur room is a whole new episode of u getting down and down with ur own thoughts...
U built up a whole castle of darkness and bad thoughts, depression, anxiety, insomnia,and other shit..
U thought this was better for u ...
Guess wot ?! It didn't get u out ..it just got u down deeper in that black hole u started long ago..
I know...
Ppl got u feel worthless, non wanted ,untalented, shitty,a bitch,ugly,fat,have no self-value...
U got the thought inside u and those thoughts kept growing ... But no one knew... that u were hurting inside...u kept that smile over ur face acting it all alright..
Is that so ...look who is crying inside her dark room ,covering her mouth to not be heard ...how can u accept that ... Isn't that hard for ur soul ,isn't that pounding ur heart and breaking it.. Like a rocking ball crashing a wall..
U loved ... But never been loved back... Got hurt ..always the one who gets hurt ..why?!
Cuz of ur kindness and sweetness, loyalty, and care to ppl who don't deserve ..was that ur fault?!..
The only wrong u did was ..being u ..is that a fault ?! No one understands..
U wanna fix with the moulde ...putting makeup, laughing out loud,talking to guys...wanna ask u ?! Is that really u...is that really what u wanna be..is that what u want ppl to see ...u want ppl to notice u by that...Really?! ...just question ur self...Is that me?!..
U have been beaten up by so many ppl physically, emotionally, in everyway they could; they lowered ur value ...why?
Cuz u let them do that..how?! U changed ur self to someone u are not..u gave them the chance..
Faking a smile always work ... Being silly,crazy,ludicrous.. Works ,right?..
Why hiding that u are in pain.. Destroying urself..u dont want ur love ones to feel guilty ..for god sake they turned u to something u are not ... does that makes u feel good not to show them they hurt u so bad?.. Are u happy of the prsn u became now..are u happy with the pain growing inside..is that what u want..
Stop acting u r okay ... Stop putting that act of "am tough" when u r never brave enough... Ur walls are shuttering down..
I know u hate to see the eye of Pity .. But hey, there are some ppl out there for u ...never judge u ..
Cuz u know that, after every dark night there is always a bright light ... Open ur eyes ,live every emotions u have ...feel everything there is to feel..never be afraid to show ur intention to anyone ..be strong.. Get ur self up.. Be u no matter what..
Cuz the only prsn that can help is called "YOU"❤
Advise..
Plz watch ur words before talking..cuz u don't really know the prsn and what they are feeling like..or the pain they are going through..despite the happy face there might be a broken soul..be good to ppl around u ..never lower of their values ..every prsn is dealing with their own shit...that they can't admit.
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