Where She Decides Tara
The struggle for a sense of belonging, a meaning, proved futile as the years fleeted by.
A purpose that brings life to life. The very turning point in that long, narrow and lonely bridge that must be faced alone. A purpose that could fill a void heart and add colour to a very hard and tiring life.
Worn out from continuously trying to find that sense of belonging, the very bane of existence, the importance of life, slipped through fingers that were no more grasping desperately for its strands.
Hope became a foreign entity. The language of love, like a poisonous spider, tasked with the purpose of eliciting a deadly pain to anyone that got entangled in its web. There was nothing to define my very being, nothing to live for.
The concept of self-preservation now lost to blind eyes that refused to see. The next course of action, a promise, proved to give the reprieve I so much desired.
It was at that crucial point in my meaningless life that the idea of suicide became much more plausible. The soft call of death whispered sweet nothings to my ears as it promised relief beyond words.
It was that sweet voice that strengthened the resolve to end my life. It was that sweet voice that led my footsteps to the cool steel of the railway as I opened my arms widely.
A smile turned up on my face for the first time in twenty years as I welcomed the warm embrace of death.
The hooting of the oncoming train blasted its horn loudly, but it became a distant sound to ears that refused to listen.
Panicked voices reached my ears. Their worried tones seeped through the cold crevices of my heart as it threatened to break through to the old me.
Their voices tried to hold onto the last vestige of my former self, but the sweet voice whispered its promises to me once more in urgent tones.
There it was, the pleasant sight the sweet voice promised played right in front of me.
Greasy black hair that had become disjointed clumps on my ratty head, now changed to soft, luscious waves on my back. Chapped lips dry from harsh conditions glistened a shiny, plump and juicy red.
My wrinkled skin, now glowed to its previous colour of smooth alabaster. In my arms was a bundle of a giggling baby, whose head was framed with a mass of an equally dark and curly hair.
Tears rushed to my eyesight as the beautiful scenery played. My fingers itched to caress the beautiful baby in my arms. I had almost reached for the soft, curly hair, only to be pulled out of the vision by strong arms holding my arm.
With a release of scream filled with anger, I turned towards the offending party who dared interrupt my vision. A dark, muscled man who was staring at me with pity, had my arm firmly latched onto his strong grip.
Raw and untapped fury rushed through my senses as it blocked my mind off of any other thing and overrode my focus with bloodlust.
This was the person who denied me the sweet passage I was promised. This was the person who denied me the possibility of the vision.
This was the person who denied me death.
There was no hesitation in my thoughts, immediately deeming him unworthy to be a part of this life. Since he viciously ripped mine away.
With a vengeance that rivaled a scorned woman, I attacked him with my fingers. Raking my pathetic nimble nails through his thick skin as I clawed and tried to inflict as much damage as possible.
''How dare you! Why didn't you just let me go peacefully like the sweet voice promised! Why did you take me away from my baby? WHY?!'' I vented the fury in me like a demented psychopath.
The dark man maintained a blank look, as if he was used to such display of psychological breakdowns. His unperturbed and unresponsive demeanour further grated on my nerves.
My fingers practically itched to wipe that look off his face. I was about to gouge his eyes out when suddenly, he grabbed my weight off the floor and threw me over his shoulder!
The gall of this impertinent asshole! How dare he manhandle me in such a way?
I raised my head up from his shoulder, determined to struggle with him to the end, only to be met with the sight of a massive crowd all displaying variations of pity, shock and sympathy, directed at me.
The anger that had been simmering in me spiked to dangerously critical levels, producing an ugly sneer from lips that showed out my full teeth.
''Fuck off!'' I growled out my displeasure through barely restrained teeth that itched to bite their heads off one by one.
As if reality finally dawned on them, the crowd dissipated quickly like smoke dissolving into thin air. The man who carried me over his shoulder, started to walk away slowly.
Away from the train station, away from my intended spot of transcending into the dream realm where all the pain would go away.
They took my life, the took my dignity, they ripped my pride away from me, now they dare take away my only reprieve.
I was so done being the pathetic girl who would always cower under the brutality of life. I was done being the constant dumpster of pain every single second of my life. I was done being the fool who would let life take her for an endless cycle of hardships, like a merry-go-round.
It was time I took decisions into my own hands. Time to shape myself into an impenetrable and undeterred force that would never crumble under nature's brutality.
The crumbling force of my despair and self-pity instantly disappeared as it left an empty dark void within my soul. I felt nothing else inside me other than my new companion, numbness.
With the decision firmly mapped out in my mind, I waited.
I waited as my captor walked towards his jeep and placed me on the passenger's seat. I waited as he drove out of the parking spot and entered into the highway road.
I waited as he made decisions to drive me towards the nearest psychiatric hospital while he murmured soothing and calming words about how everything was going to be fine.
In my mind, he was another tool nature had planted in my life to obstruct my path, making it difficult to move further. There was only one remedy for obstructions, you take them down.
All the while, when he had been talking to me, my eyes zeroed in on a large screwdriver laid on the floor of the car. It was that screwdriver I held tightly in my grasp by the handle.
I was done waiting.
With the craftiness of a fox, I gripped the screwdriver and plunged it swiftly into his still beating heart. The car swerved sideways as he lost control of the wheel. I was not about to die yet, so I carefully removed his foot from the brakes and pressed on it.
The car finally grounded to a halt before it hit a nearby tree.
That was close.
I turned towards the man, only to see him slumped on the car seat with his head rested on the window.
His soulless eyes were parted open in fear as it looked straight at where I was when I plunged the screwdriver into his heart.
I didn't know why I killed him, I just knew I had to because he was in the way. In that instant I felt powerful because I finally did something within my control.
If I could have felt anything at the moment, it would probably have been disgust and horror at my own actions.
After all, I haven't killed anyone before. But my mind was free of such things now, free of the burden of contemplation and doubt.
I alighted from the car and made my way towards the dead man's side. As I opened the door, his body tumbled to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
The murder tool was still embedded deeply within the confinements of his cardiac muscles. The screwdriver could possibly have my fingerprints on it which will inevitably lead to an unavoidable encounter with the police.
The police could go f*ck themselves for all I care. They could have a field trip chasing after my hide like a dog but one thing was certain, that I was going to make it very hard for them to find me.
With one last look at the dead man's body sprawled on the ground, I entered into the driver's seat and started the jeep.
As I drove further and further away from my past and all the baggage that came with it, one thing remained firmly in my mind.
The determination to beat life to its own game and its constant challenge to disparage my path.
My name is Tara.
Welcome to my world.