The two groups had been on the road again for a few days and had moved more and more away from the river. The real plan was to get to the sea, but a week ago Alicia had found a map of the state and they realized that the river was going north, then bending and coming back to point south and the last kilometers towards the Gulf of Mexico. They had decided to cross this route on foot. The river would have returned to them a few miles away. Daryl moved on quickly, at the head of the big group, the crossbow over his shoulder, the arrows ready to be shot, and the mind completely focused on the journey. It was important to pursue the best, shortest and least complicated way. After the situation in the storeroom, he hadn’t spoken to you anymore than it was absolutely necessary. And even then, a conversation was limited to nodding and monosyllabic phrases. But basically it was said there is nothing more to say and talk about. Certain things had to be demonstrated and nothing more. It was just morning when you stopped to rest for a while. In the last few days Judith had been struggling with sleep, keeping everyone awake for a long time. Some of the group were exhausted, yawning constantly and so tired that they were hungrier than usual. They scattered on the floor, Michonne began sharpening the katana, Carol was busy with her knife, Glenn made a comfy bed with what they had and Carl was busy with his book. Daryl stood in a corner, away from everyone. His eyes discouraged every approach. The man snorted as he saw Nick rummaging in one of the backpacks and taking out two servings of food. Your smile was pale, so tired, but you accepted the cookies Nick handed you.

“Thank you…”

“No problem.”, Nick said, swallowing a biscuit in a mouthful.

“I’d like to eat ice cream again, but I think it’s impossible without a fridge.”

Nick had continued to look at them and when you were done talking about chilled food, he came out with that natural phrase, without compulsion, as if to say something completely different: “I’ll find a bigger tent for the two of us.”

You looked at him with sudden astonishment. “Excuse me?”

He noted your startled tone, your eyes widening with astonishment, and Nick hated the reaction. You pretended you had no idea what he was talking about or what you had experienced together. It had been as if your relationship had come a step back since you had found each other again. Apart from a kiss nothing had happened, neither looks nor caresses. And that was the kiss of two people who really liked each other and are happy to have each other. It wasn’t a sensual kiss, it wasn’t a romantic kiss and it shouldn’t be. At least not for you.

“A tent.”, the boy repeated. “A little privacy.”

You dropped your arms, the cookies in your hands, and Nick realized something was wrong. You weren’t one who reacted that way unless it was really serious. The last time he saw you look like that was when a gun was aimed at the back of your head. You moistened your lips and you couldn’t keep your eyes on Nick. You felt guilty, like a terrible person. It was time to tell him what was going on, but how would he react to this news? How would he take it?

“Well… I don’t need to think about it much.”, he added.

“Nick, I think I have something to tell you.”

And you told everything without hiding anything. You just omitted the most intimate details. You narrated how you and Daryl had approached, how he had been a person who made you feel so good, how he, Daryl Dixon, made you feel… You said he had been close to you when you thought your people were all dead, how patient and respectful he was to you. You were so busy finding the right words that you didn’t notice the wrinkles between Nick’s eyes when he frowned. You didn’t even notice the sobs he had uttered when he heard you say the words ’Me and Daryl’. You had said it without real intention, they were part of the speech, but still they had made Nick jump. Never had you been so sweet while talking to him… The sentence had slipped to betrayal and for Nick it was like a slap in the face.

“We had a fight a few days ago, I already told him about us, that’s not the problem, it was my fault, I didn’t want to… I just didn’t do well in the last few weeks.”, you sighed and your eyes fell on the cookies you had left on the silver paper they were lying on. Your appetite had now passed completely.

“I suppose I left feelings with him without explaining it to him, and I hid everything from you.”Finally, you looked up and looked into his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Nick…”

For a moment, you seemed to see anger, disappointment, and surprise in his face, but not for very long. Nick looked around the clearing, and when he looked back at you, his face was covered with an invisible mask. He did what he always did when he was in trouble and when he didn’t want to show himself. He put on a forced smile, one of those who had a specific purpose and it wasn’t one of the natural smiles. He wanted to look amused, he wanted to pretend he didn’t care. Nick nudged you.

“You don’t have to apologize, so many things happened and there was no time to talk.”

You seemed to be careful and couldn’t believe it was going so well. You knew Nick well and never saw him angry or screaming. It just wasn’t his character. He hid the anger, held back, and let his rage slowly run away in curses of evil sentences, sincerely pronounced with malice. That’s why they were the most painful.

“I feel like a bitch… Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Yes.” Nick stood up unhesitatingly and seemed so confident that you were okay. “Don’t worry, we’re friends, aren’t we?”, he said as he left, leaving you alone. He crossed the clearing and sat down next to Carol, watching as she sewed a dress for Judith. No one noticed the look he gave Daryl when he happened to pass by.



Flashback: ❝You were part of a large group then, but were attacked by other people. Inferior, but more desperate. They had all but escaped the massacre. The last image of the field they lived on were flames, screams, people struggling and trying to escape in panic. And those wild animals that they had forcibly taken and were still eating human beings. They were just there to eat, and they did. They were no longer humans and they were worse than Walker. The nightmares had tortured you for weeks, but no one dared to say anything. Madison’s face was distorted, Travis looked more tired than usual. Alicia had locked herself up and never seemed to want to talk again. You didn’t sleep and were always nervous. Ofelia had decided to stop eating, and Nick seemed to darken more with each new day. Each of you had to fight different demons. It was Ofelia who saw them first. A small group of people who had lit a fire during the night and didn’t care to keep their voices low. They were the men and women who had invaded their camp. The woman had hurried back as fast as possible, silently, signaling everyone to leave. It wasn’t as easy as they expected. The rival group found their tracks and started a pursuit that ended in an attack. They separated and Nick and you sought refuge in the basement of a church. You spent a sleepless night, your eyes wide open and your nerves strained, listening to the sounds around you. You knew that the cannibal group was still looking for you. Your worst fear was that the trapdoor would be opened over your heads and the face of one of those beasts would look at you with crazy, hungry eyes. The look you had seen while they ate people… Several hours had passed when you had a nervous breakdown. You could feel the tears that started to flow and couldn’t stop crying, you cried uncontrollably and wanted to stop, but couldn’t. And the more you cried, the more despair grew. Nick put his arms around you and held you close to his chest, not even knowing if he was doing something stupid or not, something useful or not. But it served to reassure you. Your breathing returned smoothly and after a while, Nick’s embrace brought you back to reality. It was like a tacit understanding. You raised your face to him and he lowered his head to you. You kissed, slowly undressed, hugged each other again and made love, lying on your clothes in this dirty cellar. You both thought you were going to die… You both wanted to try to feel less alone in those last moments. You didn’t die. But you felt less alone. And a short time later you had sex.

Alicia had been so anxious to get into the mall where you were just passing, changing and maybe finding something useful. Travis finally gave in, though he thought such a place would be full of Walkers. And he wasn’t wrong. The Walkers were everywhere, hiding in every corner. Luckily, someone had lived in front of them in this place. The living dead were spotted in all areas, but were mostly locked up in some shops. They spread their arms and growled as the group passed them, but they were harmless. Ofelia, Y/N and Chris had entered a clothing store, and the two women had begun to look at some clothes. It had been so long since you had looked after clothes. Not that you felt you had to go shopping, but it was still nice to be able to enjoy clothes. Shortly thereafter, the others joined you. Alicia and Nick had started to try on hats and sunglasses. Nick had taken off a hat and brought it you. He had surprised you in front of a mirror with a hanger and in an elegant wine-red dress. As soon as you saw him approaching, you had thrown it away. It was a stupid fantasy, this dress, you were ashamed of being discovered that way.

“Why are you putting it away?”, Nick had asked. “Ready for a stylish hat?” He put his hat on your head and you smiled.

“It’s useless to try…”

He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s useless not to try, most of the things we do today are relatively useless.”

So he insisted that you had finally taken the dress and entered the dressing room. A few minutes later, you had heard shuffling footsteps. You had taken the gun, the dress still on your back and your finger already on the trigger. You blurted out as you realized it was Nick. “You almost got me to shoot you! I thought you were a Walker!”

He had joined you and had turned you to the mirror in the locker room, then stopped in the door and stared at you as you looked in the mirror. “You look beautiful…”

“I wouldn’t have worn it before, too elegant, there aren’t many occasions to dress so well, unless you’re a Hollywood star or something like that.”

“I’ll leave you alone, if you want.”

It was still like a tacit understanding. Only this time, you did not believe you would die. It wasn’t as noble a thing as it was between lovers, you just wanted to have fun together, and it wasn’t that bad. You took off the dress and even Nick undressed completely. You were in a hurry, excited, impatient. You had sex and it wasn’t about this sickly apocalypse, where some would say: ’You’re the last decent person in the world, so I’ll do it with you.’, or ’Use it better before it’s too late.’. It was just beautiful, you enjoyed it and you felt normal. From that day on, you became lovers. More or less since he was fifteen, Nick spent more time outside the house than inside. In the last few years, before the virus destroyed civilization, it had probably let two-thirds of the time pass in the city. Heroin was being made in a cabin or by a friend… He was asleep, staring at the wall as if stunned, or slowly melting into panic. When the effects disappeared, hunger began. He had to get some money, then find his dealer and then start all over again. It was hard work, stressful and complex. He didn’t really understand how he could spend time at home: He was busier than a manager. In his worst moments, the most degrading ones, when he was forced to be in misery, alone, scared, regardless of what his dose was, he was told that sooner or later he would have to handle this stuff. The addiction was his life. Above all, he would have to deal with himself. Heroin was just a façade to live the way it felt better. It created a situation that was about survival, the risk was high, the anxiety tormented him, but without being restless and nervous. Without the adrenaline, without the uncertainty. A quiet life made him feel inadequate. He didn’t know why, maybe he had some mental issues, something deeper than he wanted to admit. He didn’t know why he had become like this, but he knew that it was difficult to stay home. More difficult to go out and face this idiot each time the effects of the drugs disappeared. His mother was at home and looked at him with resentment, as if she wanted to talk to him, but didn’t feel well about it. Then there was Alicia. She was his sister and he loved her, but it was difficult to be close only to Alicia. She was the beautiful one who got good grades, was excellent at school activities, she had many friends who loved her as well. The professors spoke of her just to praise her, and the adults thought she was such a beautiful girl. And then he. In comparison, the proof that if one child of siblings is good, the other will be a disaster. Nick knew that he’d thrown away all the opportunities he’d been given to do it diligently to do it on purpose. And then those looks when he came home… He prefers to sleep on a messy mattress in a desecrated place. But things had changed since the apocalypse. He had to stop his addiction and maybe that brought him home. Or rather, in the houses that this new world has chosen for them. When they found a place to sleep, it was not like camping, rather the opposite. It was like a party, it was something that doesn’t happen often. It made him feel like he was a kid and, with his mother, they grilled by the fire and slept in tents. It was special because it was something out of the ordinary. And now, in this new world, the extraordinary thing was to sleep in a normal bed, and Nick liked it.❞

It had been dark for a long time, but the moon was high enough in the sky to illuminate the small garden in front of the house and the porch on which the boy sat. There was nobody beside him, they were all inside to get ready for the night. Nick nibbled at a small patch of skin beside his thumbnail and began torturing the piece of flesh. It was a small, annoying and stinging evil. It was like the evil he had felt when you told him about Daryl. A rustling made him shift his eyes, his hand flew to the rifle resting on his knees. He remained silent for a while and listened motionlessly. His eyes wandered from right to left. He had just started to relax again when a very close sound made him jump. The door of the house had suddenly opened, and Daryl had come to the porch with the grace of a lame Walker. As soon as he saw him, the man looked away, looked around and began to walk back.

“I’ll go.”

Nick got up and walked to the door. When he was around, Daryl jumped up as if dodging a plague. The boy was too used to this kind of behavior to be offended, but he stopped to look directly at Daryl.

“I know everything, you don’t have to dodge me.”

Daryl was stunned for a few seconds, not fully aware of the boy’s words. It was probably the first sentence he had spoken to Daryl since his group had got into her boat. He never spoke about it for obvious reasons, and Nick respected his silence because he thought he was someone who wanted to be left alone, and that’s it. Then the man had seen how he dealt with you. As he approached, he glared at you as he thought no one saw him gently touching you. And then he discovered he didn’t want to talk to him.

“I do it because I fucking want it, not because I’m forced to go!”, Daryl snapped just before the boy crossed the threshold. Nick’s eyes were unmistakable. He was angry, it was the anger that kept him in check and that made him boil the blood in his veins until he could have damaged himself with it. An intelligent, motivated anger; very dangerous when in the hands of a human like him. A second sound made both of them turn. It came from the garden, which now looked more like a jungle than a well-kept suburban garden. Daryl took two steps forward on the porch, lifting his crossbow and gazing into the cold light of the moon. What he saw made him pale.

“Fuck…,” he said as he backed away. He almost fell over Nick, who was still standing in the doorway. He regained his balance and quickly pushed the boy in. “Wake up! We have to go! Now!”