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Really don't know if writing this book, or whatever it would be called; I don't know if it's going to help me or make things worse. I mean, I relive the moments all the time but I don't know how so many little details need to be expressed; how much more in depth I want the world to know. I mean 'y knot'?! It isn't like it would matter. I feel like everyone knows something I don't anyway, so what harm could releasing any MORE privy really do?
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Letting Him Go
She slowly slips into the night
Dreaming of the time when things were right
Longing
To just one day have a chance
A glimpse
Some kind of sign
Battling her inner voice
That tells her she has no other option
No other choice
But to let it all sink in
This desperation
This solitude
She vividly does her best
Gain embodiment
A woman
With a somewhat graceful poise
This feeling can't last forever
It just can't
One day she feels like she can make it
The next
Is all an endless rant
Emotions are too much
She doesn't quite yet know how to let go of
For if she does
It's like she is somehow letting him go
So every night
She slips further
Into the darkness
Excluding all slumber
It's as if she waits
Dedicated
Medicated
This constant feeling
Taking over her life
Succumbed to be numb
They get longer
These nights of endless torture
When will the moment come
When she will long for him no longer
Just waiting for something...
Somehow there has to be a sign
Meant for only she
Someone whom she has clung on to
Ever so tightly
She,
Knowing he will never show
He,
Memory after memory
On and on they go
She wants to...
She needs to...
But she won't
Let him go
©shantilly
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My Happy Poem
Someone once asked me,
"Why aren't any of my poems ever happy?"
"Why are they filled with such sadness?"
I thought it over,
Before replying to the question...
"I've had my share of good and bad experiences.
But pain has been constant with it's existence.
But out of the memories I can recall,
Four moments come to mind right away!
And one amazing,
Soul-changing summer,
That I will always remember.
And how quickly everything changed,
After the 'fall'."
Reminiscent on the innocence,
Picturing those moments,
I smiled.
And I felt an overwhelming emotion consume my heart.
Just to go back,
Knowing what I do now,
I would have done it all the same.
I felt the words as they left my lips,
And I started to speak:
"My first born daughter,
Samantha.
She taught me to have courage.
She taught me strength.
She taught me love.
I was 18.
I created and was about to meet
This human that I would be responsible for.
And it scared me!
I was brand new
At this whole being a mom thing.
I knew I was never going to be perfect.
She would teach me
Just how beautiful motherhood would be.
The moment she entered this world,
It was incredible!
On that October day,
I fell in love at once!
And every day since!
She continues to leave me amazed!
She has grown up!
The little baby girl who taught me what love truly meant!
What it really was!
She's a young woman!
Unaware of just how much she really has...
A mother who loves her to the heavens,
That will always have her back.
Brothers and sisters who look up to her.
I'm so proud of how humble she's become.
She is amazing and funny.
Beautiful to the eyes!
Truly stunning!
And a soul to be admired,
It's pure depth will leave anyone with a smile!"
"My second daughter,
Jadyn.
The one I call my Angel Baby.
Full of perseverance!
A miracle!
She taught me patience.
How to overcome the hurdles
In life's race of struggles.
Suddenly panic stricken with fear,
I was at a loss on what to do.
Or how to feel.
My 2 month old daughter, just a newborn still...
In the hospital,
With the options of surgery.
Or she could lose her life.
I couldn't sleep!!
Eat!!!
I couldn't speak!!!
I was at her side the entire time.
I fought back urges to cry.
Letting my tears slowly fall
When she would close her eyes.
And when she gripped my thumb tight,
I felt worthless as a mother.
My brave little soldier....
Having to fight this battle solo.
30 minutes seemed like 30 years!
Returning back to the room,
The doctor placed her in my arms
And said,
"She did a good job Mom."
It was the first time
I'd ever cried that many tears!
In that moment,
I felt myself determined to be a better version,
Of her, and her sister's, mother.
I almost lost her!
But my Angel is a soldier!
Tough as nails!
She's my Lil' Gangsta!
She is going to be alright!
There's nothing she hasn't,
Nothing she won't,
And nothing she can't, ever handle."
"My Third daughter,
RyLeigh.
Sassy and bold!
Came screaming her way into this world
At a time when I was turning bitter.
My heart was almost ice cold.
A lot had changed.
Experienced extreme amounts of emotional pain.
Developed a deep hate
From constantly fighting battles,
That had chosen my face,
To proudly wear the bruise.
This round,
I was the only one standing.
My role as Mommy,
Quickly turned into
Mommy and Daddy.
I developed severe depression.
Turned down dark roads,
And a few times, losing direction.
I felt alone.
I couldn't do this all by myself.
But I have.
And though it's been tough,
We've had moments that bonded us.
My resilient beauty that I have solely raised,
Is a big reason I am strong enough
To write this today.
More hopeful than I have felt recently,
She had the key to unlock the door.
To release my hurt.
She keeps me in line!
It's like Freaky Friday sometimes!"
"And, then, amazingly and handsomely,
My #1 man,
Jordan.
My handsome little baby boy!
In my eyes, he can not do any wrong! Captured my heart
The instant he was placed in my arms!
I just stared at him in awe.
How I ever deserved such an honor
To be his Mother!
A smile so huge!
It brightens the world!
The way his heart has a hold of mine,
Makes me a believer in the universe having a poetic plan.
Because I never thought
The day would come,
When I could get the chance
To finally have my son!
After three girls, I thought I was done!
But his surprise entrance
Into my beautiful family,
Made us complete!
I thought my daughters had perfected beauty!
Giving the word definition!
(And naturally!!!)
But when he joined them,
The trio of sisters,
He, Baby Brother,
The Little Prince,
A Sibling Unity
Graced our Kingdom!"
"My family was perfect!
Finally!
I didn't think anything could be better
Than what had been given to me.
Until the summer that changed Everything..."
Pausing, I deeply inhaled.
Knowing that I might break down.
That the tears might fall.
Exhaling, I began to speak:
"That moment I just KNEW!
The 'plus one encounter'....
Was the best man I ever knew!
Meeting him was for reasons
I will never fully know.
Justin had me head over heels,
Flat on my ass, in love!
Although our time was brief,
Our memories I will forever hold near and deep.
Unexpected lover.
And a best friend...even better!
His heart,
I wanted to uncover.
Unwrap and know absolutely everything!
That his soul shielded from the world,
Yet, felt be could show me.
I always wanted to be near him.
There will never be another.
He impacted my world so much.
But when I lost him,
The hurt I feel, is beyond imaginable.
No longer able to hear his voice,
Speak my name,
How only he could say it that way.
Losing my best friend
Shattered my heart.
My world was shook.
I started to fall apart.
He will always be with me.
Near my soul.
Smiling down at me.
I hope that smile means that he knows....
How I wanted to tell him so much.
How I wanted to be his girl
For a long time.
I would have went to the ends
Of the Earth for him.
I would have been his until the day that I died."
Silently, I begin to think,
"Wouldn't it be crazy if he...?
Could it be?
Nah....!!!
But maybe..."
Something makes me believe
That he wears his Royal Crown,
Eternally!
Watching over his kingdom!
My love!
My King!"
©shantilly
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Walking Along Heaven's Shores
I try to take moments out of every day,
To count my blessings.
They help with the pain.
Even the teardrops
That stain my cheeks,
I count those too.
Because I'm still here making it.
I'm still trying to get through.
I've been trying to heal
Since the day you left.
But nothing has been the same.
Hasn't been right.
The past floods my mind.
When I felt happy to be breathing,
You were that reason.
I wasn't looking for anything.
But what I had found in you,
Was sudden.
You enveloped my world.
Made me feel brand new.
And then,
In the blink of an eye,
You were gone.
It isn't right.
The pain I will always feel,
Stopped my heart still.
It's getting worse.
I just no longer have the will.
I'm unhappy.
Incomplete.
You were the only one I wanted.
The only one I needed for me.
Like an October leaf,
I struggle to hold on tight.
But this breeze is so strong,
That it just might break my branch.
Causing me to fall slowly to the ground.
Like how I felt that day.
When I was told
You would no longer be around.
The day you were just...gone.
The day my world turned upside down.
How could it be?
Moments before you were next to me.
Dropped me off at my house
Just a few hours before.
And now you're just...gone.
No more.
There isn't an us anymore.
Or a chance to be.
I'll never get to tell you
What you meant to me.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
That alone forever haunts me.
I love you so much!
Although looking back,
I didn't have a clue!
Or realized how much
You had changed me.
When you left this world,
That was the moment I realized,
How deep my feelings actually went
For you.
I took our time for granted.
I wish I could do it over again.
To take it all in.
Really cherish our time spent.
God how much I need you!
The tears I have cried for you....
You are impossible to forget!
You are a part of who I am now!
Tell me what it takes
To overcome this wave.
This big one...
That is sure to wash me away.
Will I be able to see you again?
Will I be able to feel you
Gently upon my skin?
Will too much of this breeze
Finally be the one that sets me free?
Will it be over and done?
This agony?
Please tell me!
I'm ready!
To see you again, I'd give anything!
Surrendering my heart
To the sea of tears that I have cried,
I wonder...
Is it here?
Is it my time?
Will my dreams come true?
Will this wave pull me under?
Will it take me to you?
This wave that's getting closer...
It sure looks bigger.
Bigger than the ones before.
I guess I'll find out
When it gets here.
Until then, I will be here.
Waiting for you,
To walk with you,
Along Heaven's Shores.
©shantilly
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