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Letting Him Go
She slowly slips into the night
Dreaming of the time when things were right
Longing
To just one day have a chance
A glimpse
Some kind of sign
Battling her inner voice
That tells her she has no other option
No other choice
But to let it all sink in
This desperation
This solitude
She vividly does her best
Gain embodiment
A woman
With a somewhat graceful poise
This feeling can't last forever
It just can't
One day she feels like she can make it
The next
Is all an endless rant
Emotions are too much
She doesn't quite yet know how to let go of
For if she does
It's like she is somehow letting him go
So every night
She slips further
Into the darkness
Excluding all slumber
It's as if she waits
Dedicated
Medicated
This constant feeling
Taking over her life
Succumbed to be numb
They get longer
These nights of endless torture
When will the moment come
When she will long for him no longer
Just waiting for something...
Somehow there has to be a sign
Meant for only she
Someone whom she has clung on to
Ever so tightly
She,
Knowing he will never show
He,
Memory after memory
On and on they go
She wants to...
She needs to...
But she won't
Let him go
©shantilly
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220
My Happy Poem
Someone once asked me,
"Why aren't any of my poems ever happy?"
"Why are they filled with such sadness?"
I thought it over,
Before replying to the question...
"I've had my share of good and bad experiences.
But pain has been constant with it's existence.
But out of the memories I can recall,
Four moments come to mind right away!
And one amazing,
Soul-changing summer,
That I will always remember.
And how quickly everything changed,
After the 'fall'."
Reminiscent on the innocence,
Picturing those moments,
I smiled.
And I felt an overwhelming emotion consume my heart.
Just to go back,
Knowing what I do now,
I would have done it all the same.
I felt the words as they left my lips,
And I started to speak:
"My first born daughter,
Samantha.
She taught me to have courage.
She taught me strength.
She taught me love.
I was 18.
I created and was about to meet
This human that I would be responsible for.
And it scared me!
I was brand new
At this whole being a mom thing.
I knew I was never going to be perfect.
She would teach me
Just how beautiful motherhood would be.
The moment she entered this world,
It was incredible!
On that October day,
I fell in love at once!
And every day since!
She continues to leave me amazed!
She has grown up!
The little baby girl who taught me what love truly meant!
What it really was!
She's a young woman!
Unaware of just how much she really has...
A mother who loves her to the heavens,
That will always have her back.
Brothers and sisters who look up to her.
I'm so proud of how humble she's become.
She is amazing and funny.
Beautiful to the eyes!
Truly stunning!
And a soul to be admired,
It's pure depth will leave anyone with a smile!"
"My second daughter,
Jadyn.
The one I call my Angel Baby.
Full of perseverance!
A miracle!
She taught me patience.
How to overcome the hurdles
In life's race of struggles.
Suddenly panic stricken with fear,
I was at a loss on what to do.
Or how to feel.
My 2 month old daughter, just a newborn still...
In the hospital,
With the options of surgery.
Or she could lose her life.
I couldn't sleep!!
Eat!!!
I couldn't speak!!!
I was at her side the entire time.
I fought back urges to cry.
Letting my tears slowly fall
When she would close her eyes.
And when she gripped my thumb tight,
I felt worthless as a mother.
My brave little soldier....
Having to fight this battle solo.
30 minutes seemed like 30 years!
Returning back to the room,
The doctor placed her in my arms
And said,
"She did a good job Mom."
It was the first time
I'd ever cried that many tears!
In that moment,
I felt myself determined to be a better version,
Of her, and her sister's, mother.
I almost lost her!
But my Angel is a soldier!
Tough as nails!
She's my Lil' Gangsta!
She is going to be alright!
There's nothing she hasn't,
Nothing she won't,
And nothing she can't, ever handle."
"My Third daughter,
RyLeigh.
Sassy and bold!
Came screaming her way into this world
At a time when I was turning bitter.
My heart was almost ice cold.
A lot had changed.
Experienced extreme amounts of emotional pain.
Developed a deep hate
From constantly fighting battles,
That had chosen my face,
To proudly wear the bruise.
This round,
I was the only one standing.
My role as Mommy,
Quickly turned into
Mommy and Daddy.
I developed severe depression.
Turned down dark roads,
And a few times, losing direction.
I felt alone.
I couldn't do this all by myself.
But I have.
And though it's been tough,
We've had moments that bonded us.
My resilient beauty that I have solely raised,
Is a big reason I am strong enough
To write this today.
More hopeful than I have felt recently,
She had the key to unlock the door.
To release my hurt.
She keeps me in line!
It's like Freaky Friday sometimes!"
"And, then, amazingly and handsomely,
My #1 man,
Jordan.
My handsome little baby boy!
In my eyes, he can not do any wrong! Captured my heart
The instant he was placed in my arms!
I just stared at him in awe.
How I ever deserved such an honor
To be his Mother!
A smile so huge!
It brightens the world!
The way his heart has a hold of mine,
Makes me a believer in the universe having a poetic plan.
Because I never thought
The day would come,
When I could get the chance
To finally have my son!
After three girls, I thought I was done!
But his surprise entrance
Into my beautiful family,
Made us complete!
I thought my daughters had perfected beauty!
Giving the word definition!
(And naturally!!!)
But when he joined them,
The trio of sisters,
He, Baby Brother,
The Little Prince,
A Sibling Unity
Graced our Kingdom!"
"My family was perfect!
Finally!
I didn't think anything could be better
Than what had been given to me.
Until the summer that changed Everything..."
Pausing, I deeply inhaled.
Knowing that I might break down.
That the tears might fall.
Exhaling, I began to speak:
"That moment I just KNEW!
The 'plus one encounter'....
Was the best man I ever knew!
Meeting him was for reasons
I will never fully know.
Justin had me head over heels,
Flat on my ass, in love!
Although our time was brief,
Our memories I will forever hold near and deep.
Unexpected lover.
And a best friend...even better!
His heart,
I wanted to uncover.
Unwrap and know absolutely everything!
That his soul shielded from the world,
Yet, felt be could show me.
I always wanted to be near him.
There will never be another.
He impacted my world so much.
But when I lost him,
The hurt I feel, is beyond imaginable.
No longer able to hear his voice,
Speak my name,
How only he could say it that way.
Losing my best friend
Shattered my heart.
My world was shook.
I started to fall apart.
He will always be with me.
Near my soul.
Smiling down at me.
I hope that smile means that he knows....
How I wanted to tell him so much.
How I wanted to be his girl
For a long time.
I would have went to the ends
Of the Earth for him.
I would have been his until the day that I died."
Silently, I begin to think,
"Wouldn't it be crazy if he...?
Could it be?
Nah....!!!
But maybe..."
Something makes me believe
That he wears his Royal Crown,
Eternally!
Watching over his kingdom!
My love!
My King!"
©shantilly
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219
Walking Along Heaven's Shores
I try to take moments out of every day,
To count my blessings.
They help with the pain.
Even the teardrops
That stain my cheeks,
I count those too.
Because I'm still here making it.
I'm still trying to get through.
I've been trying to heal
Since the day you left.
But nothing has been the same.
Hasn't been right.
The past floods my mind.
When I felt happy to be breathing,
You were that reason.
I wasn't looking for anything.
But what I had found in you,
Was sudden.
You enveloped my world.
Made me feel brand new.
And then,
In the blink of an eye,
You were gone.
It isn't right.
The pain I will always feel,
Stopped my heart still.
It's getting worse.
I just no longer have the will.
I'm unhappy.
Incomplete.
You were the only one I wanted.
The only one I needed for me.
Like an October leaf,
I struggle to hold on tight.
But this breeze is so strong,
That it just might break my branch.
Causing me to fall slowly to the ground.
Like how I felt that day.
When I was told
You would no longer be around.
The day you were just...gone.
The day my world turned upside down.
How could it be?
Moments before you were next to me.
Dropped me off at my house
Just a few hours before.
And now you're just...gone.
No more.
There isn't an us anymore.
Or a chance to be.
I'll never get to tell you
What you meant to me.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
That alone forever haunts me.
I love you so much!
Although looking back,
I didn't have a clue!
Or realized how much
You had changed me.
When you left this world,
That was the moment I realized,
How deep my feelings actually went
For you.
I took our time for granted.
I wish I could do it over again.
To take it all in.
Really cherish our time spent.
God how much I need you!
The tears I have cried for you....
You are impossible to forget!
You are a part of who I am now!
Tell me what it takes
To overcome this wave.
This big one...
That is sure to wash me away.
Will I be able to see you again?
Will I be able to feel you
Gently upon my skin?
Will too much of this breeze
Finally be the one that sets me free?
Will it be over and done?
This agony?
Please tell me!
I'm ready!
To see you again, I'd give anything!
Surrendering my heart
To the sea of tears that I have cried,
I wonder...
Is it here?
Is it my time?
Will my dreams come true?
Will this wave pull me under?
Will it take me to you?
This wave that's getting closer...
It sure looks bigger.
Bigger than the ones before.
I guess I'll find out
When it gets here.
Until then, I will be here.
Waiting for you,
To walk with you,
Along Heaven's Shores.
©shantilly
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222
A Smile Worthwhile
I want to be able to just deal.
I want to have this heartache just heal.
I want to be that person I was.
Before all of this hell.
Why can't I just be me again?
Why can't anyone help?
Alone with all of this.
I can't explain it.
How am I so lost and so far gone?
This isn't like me!
I don't think I'll make it!
The pain never subsides.
Still...I try.
To heal.
But what's the use?
What is the point?
If I don't have you?
This torment just follows me.
Can't handle what this does to me
Mentally.
I always fucking
THINK!!!!
Every single night, I wish that I Would have held you longer.
Had I known it was going to be our last time,
Together.
I would have surrendered my all.
My everything to you.
I just feel stuck.
My soul has clearly had enough.
Too many things on my mind.
Wanting to give up.
But I don't dare quit.
Because if I do,
Heaven wouldn't let me in.
And I need those gates to open!
So I can tell you
How much you meant to me.
I hope I was able to let you know.
I hope you just fucking KNEW....
How you rescued me.
When I was so close to letting go!
The war within me almost won.
But there you were,
Giving me hope that was needed.
It was something I never quite felt before.
But familiar, almost...
I felt like myself!
And when I finally believed that
I had really found someone
To rely on,
To be by my side,
And convinced myself that you just might be the one...
Ignoring any thoughts
That you were just like everyone else...
When I really started considering
What we could have been....
My world shattered,
When you found your new home
Up there in the sky.
No longer with me...
Oh how many tears cried!!!
Since I've lost my beautiful friend!!!
The fact that you're gone,
Leaves me in a state of depression.
Sadly, it has become my reality.
Where I'm singing solo to every song.
Sick of those words,
"Time Heals All Things" ....
The people who speak them,
Must have never before felt
The incredible strain,
This extreme pain,
This hole.....
Where my soul has been replaced.
Empty...
An abyss...
Nothing left of me....
And I feel it every single day.
Without you here with me.
Nothing could ever replace
The smile I wore upon my face,
When you made me laugh.
Or the one I couldn't hide
By how you simply spoke my name.
The tears I fight....
Thinking about that night...
How can it be?
That this world is spinning without you?
We had the chance at something great!
Just for it to be short lived.
I know it's selfish to think this,
But I know I don't deserve any of this!
Alone on this Earth without you!!??
To have you back, what I wouldn't give!
All I did was reach out a hand to a friend.
As you saved my life
From coming to an end.
I never thought I could ever love
Anyone as much as this!
But I did!
I do!
And I will!
For the rest of time!
Every day I ask myself,
"Should I continue?
Should I keep holding on,
Or cut ties that are binding me
To this agony?
This hell entrapping me?
How much longer do I have
To cover up the fact that I'm not okay?
That I'm barely making it?
How much longer do I have to cover up
The emotions?
The scars?
Rigid...
Torn apart?
Ugly to the eye...
Imagine the physical pain?
The torture?
Imagine FEELING it!!??
What was once my heart,
Has slowly become a heart of stone.
What used to once pound
With exciting adrenaline,
An incredible yearn,
Is now but a fire that constantly burns.
Knowing you won't ever return.
But my angel, please come back to me.
You were my home.
You were my everything!
And I'm lost.
I can't get over you.
I'm not sure how to deal
In this new world of brokenness.
This world that doesn't seem real.
All that remains are memories.
And a picture I was given of you,
From a time before I even knew you.
What's that do?
I've changed so much.
You wouldn't recognize me at all.
You would be shaking your head,
Telling me to be tough.
That it gets better.
You would be making me laugh.
Telling me those corny jokes
That ONLY YOU were good at!
You were the one who understood,
(And pointed out the fact)
The one who figured it out!
Finally Fucking Figured out the math!!!
My Three F's!!!!
Leaving me speechless, again!!!
Imagine that!!!
You always made me feel better!
You showed me that opening up,
Letting someone in,
Wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.
That there are good people.
But for you that comes naturally!!
You were the best man I ever knew.
You deserved so much more from this world.
Because you were YOU!
I had met someone that was REAL too!
You never wanted much from anyone
But a simple smile.
A good laugh.
You held excitement in your eyes!
Maybe I fell in love with that....
Although it wasn't the first time.
Because I fell for you
Every single time.
I became addicted to seeing you happy.
I wish I could have those times back.
Those times,
I NEED!
I wonder if I'll ever be okay.
To be able to let you go.
I don't think it's possible!
I can't ever let you go!
I knew losing you wasn't gonna be easy.
But I know I will feel you
Every step I take.
When it's my turn,
I'll be ready!
Ready for my trip home,
Without hesitation!
A smile will form upon my face
Because I'll have you,
I'll be home again!!
Every moment with you
Was meant for me,
To remind me,
That you will guide me.
Every single smile was worth it,
In our unfinished end!!!
©shantilly
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MY JOURNEY HOME
Can I speak to You?
One on one for a moment.
You ARE the One
In which we are to believe, correct?
I've been hearing Your name lately.
Do you have a sec?
Before I begin,
Please don't take offense.
I just need You to listen.
Maybe You could help me?
You left me behind...
I was overlooked last time.
I was supposed to go with him.
He was mine!
I think You made a mistake.
Please don't worry when You see me,
Curtailing Your robe,
Anticipating!
There I will be,
Holding on tightly!
You're taking me this time!
Because You have what I need!
You had to take my home.
The place that felt safe.
So.....
If that is where You plan to keep my home,
Then that is where I will stake my claim.
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My whole world
I never imagined my world
To be so alone
Not a thing I could do
My children are not in one spot
Not whole
Together like they should be
My family is broken
But it's not all because of me
I fucked up and got side tracked by life
It's true
Temptations led me to the depths of hell
Not like I intended to
But it seems I got the harshest punishment
For being what we all are
Human
And now I'm forever suffering
From mistakes everyone makes
I didn't change
I didn't grow weak
Until it was the words
That I didn't get to hear my kids speak...
"I love you mom"
From not just one
But from them all
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Hearts on the Mend
My heart tends to be too caring
Far too forgiving and understanding
Always wanting good to be what everyone is sharing
I try my best to have empathy
Knowing every single time I will soon regret it
It never fails yet I always mistakingly believe
That there is still good that remains to be seen
Once I see that bit of goodness in
Soon thereafter it's portrayed as lies
Games
Or a bitter truth
The latter takes the cake
On which I seem to always debate
Seeing the ways, new strategies at play
Why does it seem I always draw the card no one wants
The Joker, The Betrayed
And of course it's always the Joker Of Hearts
I know how it feels living in hell
No where to turn, just another pit of fire to burn myself
Not one person to hear you when you need a good cry
Listen to you vent, to help you discover meanings why
The place you call home
Or what was meant to be your safe place
Empty, darkness falls as you enter alone
Where is home?
What is home?
Just this empty shell
Home is gone.....
Now where is it that you belong
These four walls are used to your most loneliest times spent
Confined, contentment
A familiar solitude
On the floor somber and pitiful
Drowning your sorrow
An external pain so extreme
Unforgettable
Though a pain you can't seem to explain
You are consumed by so much you're emotionally spent
A lonely soul seems to reach out to you for encouragement
Because it's you who showed them you would understand
To know what to do if they just need to talk or just need a hug
Releasing so much energy through a heavy sigh
That had just been mustered up to get to some sort of peace
Determined to regain focus on this moment
That no one knows of
Because you can't
Not yet
All you feel is alone
And how you are the only person that holds the potion
That can fix the ways of how you're coping
©shantilly
1
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177
BLACK wickedness
Web perfectly woven
Deadly and unknowing
You will get caught in her wonder
A distraction unbeknownst to the eye
How amazing and light
You're heavily weighted down by such a force
Pulling you under
And it's then you GASP!
WAIT!
But it's too late, you've entered Hell's Evil Gate
Desperately clinging
Fighting for air
Panic sets in when you notice
Nobody is there.... anywhere
This is it! Get a grip!
Enough of this! Make it quit!
Understand! Take it in and make it make sense!
Sink or swim you fucking idiot!
Don't ever think you won't get caught
By her beautiful woven stitch
At any moment, any time...
God you hate to love that bitch!
Why?
"Beautiful black wickedness,
I guess it's never REALLY over, huh?
Until you decide when to take all that is lost
Cashing in on the soul that you preyed upon
My time is up, game over!
You win, I'm done and gone
©shantilly
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168
Flaw It If Ya Got It
okay....?
so I ain't no beauty queen 👑
so I have a crooked smile that doesn't quite gleam
okay....?
so I lie awake at night wondering about life
these bags aren't designer brands under my eyes
sure...
my laugh can be annoying
but who has one that isn't, honestly
sure...
the curves of my body aren't what they used to be
four children and a lot of pizza topped with depression with take a toll on anyone
if you ask me
despite all the physicalities pointed out
you see flaws and I see what makes me... proud
a heart that cares too much
eyes that try to understand another's pain
laid back and let's not forget hilarious
I love me, I have no shame
I'm unique, my own self, and as long as I'm the only one that cares
then it really doesn't phase me who does or doesn't want to be there
life has been tough for me
I went through a lot
so if all you see when you look at me
are the scars
That I wear proudly
then I'm afraid that is all the judgement
or criticism u can throw at me
©shantilly
1
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169
Gone
a meeting, a greeting, so fantastic
a feeling so fleeting
exchanged looks, laughter, smiling
shared stares, potential ever afters
dreaded pauses, awkward silence
moments of sudden emptiness, consuming
wait for it!
delayed responses, no more passion
realizing too late, never truly honest
melting pot, another year wasted
confusion sets in, engulfs your ears
instant embraces, again, sadly mistaken
familiar emotions, dark depth plummeting
dedication, rendering you forsaken, finally the poison tasted
faint whispers of a thought, healing
miserable attempts, unyielding nights spent
carefully guarding a heart that needed protection
shielding loves lies, betrayl, upon you projected
never prepared for the emotions
debating right and wrong
and wondering if at all you ever cared
as one leaves for the last time
no goodbye, just gone
©shantilly
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158
Untitled
maybe I'm trying too much
to be loved
to feel love
wanted by someone
to be just enough
when I know that nothing could compare
to what's above
I can't give someone happiness
I just can't
casual flings is something I can't stand
it's not me
it doesn't change a thing
doesn't bring me anything
honestly I don't know how to feel
how to love anymore
what's the point
no one could compare to his worth
the one who knew my heart enough
surprised me too
that it would hurt this much
made me smile
just because
all it took was a look
from those eyes
I've never seen that look since then
maybe I've been trying to find it
in everyone
in everything
I'm always sad
barely recognize the sound of my own name
I've gone mad
wish I could wake up
have all of this not be real
I always hear
that time fixes all
well when is it time for this to be healed
when can I get up from the fall
wipe off the dirt
bandage up the worst
scars are cool
but they don't wash off
smoking and drinking away the pain
I know it's not going to make me hear his voice again
I just allow it to fuck me up every day
I know he wouldn't want me to be like this
so low and all over the place with emotions
but he's not here
no one's helping me through this shit
it was unexpected
thought I had control of it
moments were born
the memories were perfect
I regret taking them for granted
those times we had
imagining him not here
I just never pictured that
©shantilly
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157
Women Know
What has my life become
All this confusion
Tossed into a labyrinth
Tunnels are endless
The way to you is looking slim
I don't think I can do this
What the fuck is happening
I'm doing my best, doing whatever it takes
Since you have been gone it's like the world has changed
People really do suck, they are fucking sick
The cruelty I've seen, I can't stomach it, the games played
Lies and betrayal are what gets me
I fuck up all the time but at least I have integrity
If asked of me, I do my best with honesty
And yet here I sit, as a stranger lies in my bed
Don't trust him enough to even think I might get a wink
Any sort of sleep
But at least
At least I'm not as lonely
I'm getting used to the 'auto pilot'
Needing someone else to commandeer
I know I shouldn't allow this
To have him here
Near my home
But in this quest for answers I seek
Even knowing the truth, even being so weak
I still have to know more
I need to have someone reveal some sort of proof
That the feelings I feel
Have validity, that it's real
And I feel that I am being bitch slapped
Straight lied to
It's out of control
This isn't my life anymore
Hasn't been since you left
I have no one I can turn to
To just be there
No one is you....
I talk to people sure
But to them I'm made to seem like I'm paranoid
Or just drug induced
So yeah
I do
It gets me through...
But that's irrelevant
It's not the reason
Why I observe what I do
To keep my mind occupied, I continue to use
It helps me not drown completely
In the tears that have formed around me
Surrounding me
You. ....
I know I'm not crazy
But it's driving me insane here lately
Because I've lost the fight in me
The part of me that should just tell this boy
Controlling my life and using my emotions against me
Laughing at me, psycho analyzing me
At how I am fucking allowing this
I should be able to tell him FUCK OFF
Just be a CUNT....END OF STORY
At times I feel my life could be in danger
Because honestly this boy is nothing but a stranger
And now I raise my daughter
Not fully focused or on point as I should be as her mother
Peace was all I wanted when I came here
And hell is where I ended up it's clear
I need you
I need honest
I need someone to hear
And really understand that I'm fucked up
Feeling my end is near
I know I can never see you until it's my time
So maybe I should get some sleep
And be with you when I close my eyes
In my dreams, away from the evil
The Mind Fuckers
Should have paid more attention
Guess I never understood what it meant to listen
Until now
And it's now
That I vow
That I will always trust my gut
Just like I knew that I should
When the first feeling came
That woman's intuition
©shantilly
1
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159
Sober
I remember that night.
It has become a memory, among many,
that is a constant in my mind.
One that replays over and over.
No matter how hard I try to think
Of anything else, it returns to that moment.
All the memories I have, continue in different order.
But it seems there isn't an ending to my story.
That's what has driven me insane I guess.
The sudden abrupt stop to something I didn't want to happen.
But when I knew that I was never going to be the same again,
that's when my whole world just fucking stopped.
The end.
The start of my pain.
Like I was left in a corner of the world
As everyone and everything just kept going on.
And no one seemed to notice that I wasn't here.
There's no point in trying to make my voice heard.
Made clear.
So maybe if I write it all down,
Someone is bound
To read til the end.
Help me.
So I can move past this night.
The memory of a time
Where I felt right just being me.
Just need to have closure.
Just need to have him.
Until then, don't let me be sober...
©shantilly
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Remembering
I took a shower to make myself feel better
Something to shake this mood
Before I leave to pick up my daughter
Her smile makes things go right again
Just need to hear her laughter
Keeps me grounded, she's my little anchor
Stepping out of the shower, I feel weak
Knees buckle beneath me, I take a seat
The weight from the stressful intensity
That I carry around with me
Reluctantly
I see this body, sad excuse of a mother
Who is she
When did I take on another persona
Beaten down mentally
'What am I doing, I'm better than this'
I guess
I allowed the pain to become an unhealthy release
That I started to forget
And it felt so fucking good to not THINK
Of everything that I couldn't fix
I start to dry off, "towel dry" the bad thoughts
And as I get dressed I take a short glance
I know who I am about to see isn't me
It's someone else
I have to get that woman I lost
Get her back quickly no matter the cost
I have to try to make something good come out of this
Though I'm not sure how
Going through this life of a nightmare
I admit self destruction was my personal doom
But when i tried to reach out to anyone that would listen
I couldn't find you
I was tired of getting the same result so I continued what was working
And I'm scared for that reason
I'm tired of hurting
I don't want to open up because I don't trust
And yet here i am spilling my fucking guts
Turning from the mirror, I reach to flick the light off
And I can't help but wonder if this might be the mirror's last thought(s):
"Will I remember her when she comes back?
Will she remember who she used to be?
Will she be gone without a trace??
Or has she let go already?"
©shantilly
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