Someone once asked me, "Why aren't any of my poems ever happy?" "Why are they filled with such sadness?" I thought it over, Before replying to the question... "I've had my share of good and bad experiences. But pain has been constant with it's existence. But out of the memories I can recall, Four moments come to mind right away! And one amazing, Soul-changing summer, That I will always remember. And how quickly everything changed, After the 'fall'." Reminiscent on the innocence, Picturing those moments, I smiled. And I felt an overwhelming emotion consume my heart. Just to go back, Knowing what I do now, I would have done it all the same. I felt the words as they left my lips, And I started to speak: "My first born daughter, Samantha. She taught me to have courage. She taught me strength. She taught me love. I was 18. I created and was about to meet This human that I would be responsible for. And it scared me! I was brand new At this whole being a mom thing. I knew I was never going to be perfect. She would teach me Just how beautiful motherhood would be. The moment she entered this world, It was incredible! On that October day, I fell in love at once! And every day since! She continues to leave me amazed! She has grown up! The little baby girl who taught me what love truly meant! What it really was! She's a young woman! Unaware of just how much she really has... A mother who loves her to the heavens, That will always have her back. Brothers and sisters who look up to her. I'm so proud of how humble she's become. She is amazing and funny. Beautiful to the eyes! Truly stunning! And a soul to be admired, It's pure depth will leave anyone with a smile!" "My second daughter, Jadyn. The one I call my Angel Baby. Full of perseverance! A miracle! She taught me patience. How to overcome the hurdles In life's race of struggles. Suddenly panic stricken with fear, I was at a loss on what to do. Or how to feel. My 2 month old daughter, just a newborn still... In the hospital, With the options of surgery. Or she could lose her life. I couldn't sleep!! Eat!!! I couldn't speak!!! I was at her side the entire time. I fought back urges to cry. Letting my tears slowly fall When she would close her eyes. And when she gripped my thumb tight, I felt worthless as a mother. My brave little soldier.... Having to fight this battle solo. 30 minutes seemed like 30 years! Returning back to the room, The doctor placed her in my arms And said, "She did a good job Mom." It was the first time I'd ever cried that many tears! In that moment, I felt myself determined to be a better version, Of her, and her sister's, mother. I almost lost her! But my Angel is a soldier! Tough as nails! She's my Lil' Gangsta! She is going to be alright! There's nothing she hasn't, Nothing she won't, And nothing she can't, ever handle." "My Third daughter, RyLeigh. Sassy and bold! Came screaming her way into this world At a time when I was turning bitter. My heart was almost ice cold. A lot had changed. Experienced extreme amounts of emotional pain. Developed a deep hate From constantly fighting battles, That had chosen my face, To proudly wear the bruise. This round, I was the only one standing. My role as Mommy, Quickly turned into Mommy and Daddy. I developed severe depression. Turned down dark roads, And a few times, losing direction. I felt alone. I couldn't do this all by myself. But I have. And though it's been tough, We've had moments that bonded us. My resilient beauty that I have solely raised, Is a big reason I am strong enough To write this today. More hopeful than I have felt recently, She had the key to unlock the door. To release my hurt. She keeps me in line! It's like Freaky Friday sometimes!" "And, then, amazingly and handsomely, My #1 man, Jordan. My handsome little baby boy! In my eyes, he can not do any wrong! Captured my heart The instant he was placed in my arms! I just stared at him in awe. How I ever deserved such an honor To be his Mother! A smile so huge! It brightens the world! The way his heart has a hold of mine, Makes me a believer in the universe having a poetic plan. Because I never thought The day would come, When I could get the chance To finally have my son! After three girls, I thought I was done! But his surprise entrance Into my beautiful family, Made us complete! I thought my daughters had perfected beauty! Giving the word definition! (And naturally!!!) But when he joined them, The trio of sisters, He, Baby Brother, The Little Prince, A Sibling Unity Graced our Kingdom!" "My family was perfect! Finally! I didn't think anything could be better Than what had been given to me. Until the summer that changed Everything..." Pausing, I deeply inhaled. Knowing that I might break down. That the tears might fall. Exhaling, I began to speak: "That moment I just KNEW! The 'plus one encounter'.... Was the best man I ever knew! Meeting him was for reasons I will never fully know. Justin had me head over heels, Flat on my ass, in love! Although our time was brief, Our memories I will forever hold near and deep. Unexpected lover. And a best friend...even better! His heart, I wanted to uncover. Unwrap and know absolutely everything! That his soul shielded from the world, Yet, felt be could show me. I always wanted to be near him. There will never be another. He impacted my world so much. But when I lost him, The hurt I feel, is beyond imaginable. No longer able to hear his voice, Speak my name, How only he could say it that way. Losing my best friend Shattered my heart. My world was shook. I started to fall apart. He will always be with me. Near my soul. Smiling down at me. I hope that smile means that he knows.... How I wanted to tell him so much. How I wanted to be his girl For a long time. I would have went to the ends Of the Earth for him. I would have been his until the day that I died." Silently, I begin to think, "Wouldn't it be crazy if he...? Could it be? Nah....!!! But maybe..." Something makes me believe That he wears his Royal Crown, Eternally! Watching over his kingdom! My love! My King!" ©shantilly