I want to be able to just deal. I want to have this heartache just heal. I want to be that person I was. Before all of this hell. Why can't I just be me again? Why can't anyone help? Alone with all of this. I can't explain it. How am I so lost and so far gone? This isn't like me! I don't think I'll make it! The pain never subsides. Still...I try. To heal. But what's the use? What is the point? If I don't have you? This torment just follows me. Can't handle what this does to me Mentally. I always fucking THINK!!!! Every single night, I wish that I Would have held you longer. Had I known it was going to be our last time, Together. I would have surrendered my all. My everything to you. I just feel stuck. My soul has clearly had enough. Too many things on my mind. Wanting to give up. But I don't dare quit. Because if I do, Heaven wouldn't let me in. And I need those gates to open! So I can tell you How much you meant to me. I hope I was able to let you know. I hope you just fucking KNEW.... How you rescued me. When I was so close to letting go! The war within me almost won. But there you were, Giving me hope that was needed. It was something I never quite felt before. But familiar, almost... I felt like myself! And when I finally believed that I had really found someone To rely on, To be by my side, And convinced myself that you just might be the one... Ignoring any thoughts That you were just like everyone else... When I really started considering What we could have been.... My world shattered, When you found your new home Up there in the sky. No longer with me... Oh how many tears cried!!! Since I've lost my beautiful friend!!! The fact that you're gone, Leaves me in a state of depression. Sadly, it has become my reality. Where I'm singing solo to every song. Sick of those words, "Time Heals All Things" .... The people who speak them, Must have never before felt The incredible strain, This extreme pain, This hole..... Where my soul has been replaced. Empty... An abyss... Nothing left of me.... And I feel it every single day. Without you here with me. Nothing could ever replace The smile I wore upon my face, When you made me laugh. Or the one I couldn't hide By how you simply spoke my name. The tears I fight.... Thinking about that night... How can it be? That this world is spinning without you? We had the chance at something great! Just for it to be short lived. I know it's selfish to think this, But I know I don't deserve any of this! Alone on this Earth without you!!?? To have you back, what I wouldn't give! All I did was reach out a hand to a friend. As you saved my life From coming to an end. I never thought I could ever love Anyone as much as this! But I did! I do! And I will! For the rest of time! Every day I ask myself, "Should I continue? Should I keep holding on, Or cut ties that are binding me To this agony? This hell entrapping me? How much longer do I have To cover up the fact that I'm not okay? That I'm barely making it? How much longer do I have to cover up The emotions? The scars? Rigid... Torn apart? Ugly to the eye... Imagine the physical pain? The torture? Imagine FEELING it!!?? What was once my heart, Has slowly become a heart of stone. What used to once pound With exciting adrenaline, An incredible yearn, Is now but a fire that constantly burns. Knowing you won't ever return. But my angel, please come back to me. You were my home. You were my everything! And I'm lost. I can't get over you. I'm not sure how to deal In this new world of brokenness. This world that doesn't seem real. All that remains are memories. And a picture I was given of you, From a time before I even knew you. What's that do? I've changed so much. You wouldn't recognize me at all. You would be shaking your head, Telling me to be tough. That it gets better. You would be making me laugh. Telling me those corny jokes That ONLY YOU were good at! You were the one who understood, (And pointed out the fact) The one who figured it out! Finally Fucking Figured out the math!!! My Three F's!!!! Leaving me speechless, again!!! Imagine that!!! You always made me feel better! You showed me that opening up, Letting someone in, Wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. That there are good people. But for you that comes naturally!! You were the best man I ever knew. You deserved so much more from this world. Because you were YOU! I had met someone that was REAL too! You never wanted much from anyone But a simple smile. A good laugh. You held excitement in your eyes! Maybe I fell in love with that.... Although it wasn't the first time. Because I fell for you Every single time. I became addicted to seeing you happy. I wish I could have those times back. Those times, I NEED! I wonder if I'll ever be okay. To be able to let you go. I don't think it's possible! I can't ever let you go! I knew losing you wasn't gonna be easy. But I know I will feel you Every step I take. When it's my turn, I'll be ready! Ready for my trip home, Without hesitation! A smile will form upon my face Because I'll have you, I'll be home again!! Every moment with you Was meant for me, To remind me, That you will guide me. Every single smile was worth it, In our unfinished end!!! ©shantilly