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Come Home To My Heart
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[an excerpt from what i've been working on for the past months.]
Memories are either worth-remembering or not; they can be too surreal or too painful to keep.
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Our experiences are sometimes clouded by our emotions and as the time passes by, the feeling remains to us, thus, the memory of what we felt that day remains.
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"You know I can barely remember something..that day. But I can picture everything in orange you know, that way I can tell that I was really happy. Orange rarely pop up. That day...it was like a picture-perfect in sepia. It was a pure bliss."
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I shouldve seen it. But I just ignored the fact that blues and greens will always be blues and greens. They will never be red or orange or even yellow.
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melodrama
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i listened to various artists for the past two years. some of them luckily stayed in my mind for weeks–i even made some playlists. but most of them just passed and faded through time like how i pressed play and next to my old boring playlists. last night, i had a major breakdown. after i cried, i opened my spotify and there, i scrolled and scrolled. finding through old playlists and albums i've listened for years. then, i saw melodrama. immediately, right after i play the first song, i felt calm. the familiarity hugged me like an old friend as i heard the beat in the beginning of green light. i'll always comeback to this, always. this piece of art changed my life and i'm sure i'm not the only one.
[May 26, '19]
the point of no return
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i've always known that at some point, i might end up here. and here i am, sitting in a darkened room; sleep deprived and wanting to tell a story.
it was just a mere imagination to get away from that city. from that place. from those people. those days that i was so engrossed to the idea of leaving and wanting to give up, i realized that there might be another way. and yes, acads was the best reason to cure this wounds and ugly scars. i might be lame and shallow for pretending i was excited and happy to leave for college--follow my dreams and be the person they want me to be. but i wanted to leave because i can't stand the same old loop i've been living for years. i want to get away not to achieve a goal but to drown myself even more into the awful reality of how devastated and destructive i am.
but as i type these words, i feel weird. it's a mixture of guilt, regret and longing. i shouldnt be feeling this way, right? i wanted this! i wanted this! we can't turn back time. this isn't a movie up for a playback. this is a point of no return. a dead end.
i dont know. maybe all these years, i was looking to the wrong side of the coin. i've always been choosing the tails and carving that thought in my mind; reminding myself that that's how i should perceive things. when the truth is, we are human. we are unpredictable. like tossing the coin, there's no assurance that tails will always be the side facing me.
i miss home. i miss the unwashed dishes and dirty floor. i miss the morning stars in the roof whenever i lay in my cat fur-covered bed. i miss ming and his purring. i miss his claws and loud meows at dinner. i miss the cold showers and singing; the sound of water flowing in the floor. i miss everything. how i wish there's a point of return.
[september 19, '19]
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J
I still remember the look in your eyes from that night
As we fall in line, your hands gently guiding me
And i swear, I felt something
Something electrifying
Something mesmerizing
We both knew
That it was all the beginning
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bottom deep
I never knew I'd love water.
The way how it embraces my body, water bubbles was all I can hear.
Empty spaces were filled and my loneliness was taken away.
Only relaxation and blue was all I can see as I open my eyes underwater.
How does it feel if I stay deep within this blue water forever?
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what death sounds like
I thought, death sounds like a cry. Of hoarse voices coming from suppressed mouth. Of tears flowing from welling eyes. Of yells and chants and wails from an agony and mourning.
But when he's gone, an epiphany hit me. Death sounds like unopened doors, empty house and morning showers not taken.
Death sounds like unmade bed, infinity loop of silence and crickets at night. Death sounds like untold wishes and promises.
Death sounds like him without by my side.
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