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Ghost
Why is it that I feel as if I'm a stranger in my own body?
I take my pills,
I do the routines,
I ignore the thoughts,
I keep the blades away.
What more do I have to do?
What more do they want from me?
Please... just let me be!
They hate the pills,
They hate the routines,
They feed the thoughts,
They chant for the blades.
I'm no longer a young girl,
No longer an innocent child.
The pills only keep them at bay.
Yet they still screech,
Wanting to play.
Why is it that I feel as if I'm a ghost in my own body?
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418
The Scars We Share
Yes, I have scars on my body. Yes, I feel broken inside. No, that doesn't mean that I can't be loved. Everyone has scars. Yours may not be on your skin, but we all have emotional scars. We all have been hurt by someone, but sometimes some of us can't come back from it. Sometimes we stay broken and we can't be fixed. My scars may tell the story of my past, but they do not dictate my future. They show me of a time when I was at my weakest, but remind me that today I am stronger than I was when they were fresh and bleeding. They show me, the more they fade, the stronger I become. My scars are my stories, my demons. I will always have to battle my demons, but I will never stop wearing my scars like wings. They push me to do better, to become stronger. My scars are there, not because I was weak, but because I was trying to stay strong for far too long. Many can relate to this. You may not have any physically visible scars, but these are the scars we share. The scars that push us to be the best us we can. The ones that make us who we are today. These are the scars we share.
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433
Smile
Simply smile through the tears
Then everything will disappear.
Put the mask back on.
Just lead them on.
They don't need to know.
They'll let it go.
So you can wallow in your pain.
But you know you can take it away.
The rope is there.
The noose is fair.
Simply smile through the tears.
Then everything will disappear.
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602
I Hate
But I hate feeling so much, yet not feeling at all.
I hate things feeling so right, yet so wrong.
I hate being just fine, yet stuck.
Things just aren't going my way anymore and I can't figure out how to fix it.
It might just be time to end it.
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528
What If
What if she looks through our old conversations? We would never be able to talk again. You would be put in prison. They would never trust me again. And you would hate me. So I’ll just hate myself a little more. Because I keep messing up. I keep doing stupid stuff. It’s like there isn’t anything I can do right anymore. Because what if she does look through it? What then? What now?
I’m so scared. I’m shaking, I’m crying, I’m hating. We were going to see each other. You were going to take me away. And now she might see it. She might see what we were going to do. This isn’t good, it can’t be. So I’ll just hate myself a little more because I keep doing these stupid things. I keep letting them happen. I can’t say no... why can’t I say no? What if she sees?
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497
Black Cloud
There’s a black cloud hanging over my head and it’s pouring down. It’s soaking everything around me. Staining the surface of all things. Penetrating deep into the souls of those around me. This black cloud, it follows. It haunt. It tortures. It kills. This black cloud that is in me, it is killing me. Taking every last breath I have. All the strength left, gone. This cloud hangs over me, and it kills all things around me.
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613
Death Upon Us All
Our bones rest, our bodies die. But our souls live, our spirits survive. One can never truly die, only our physical self perishes. Our souls live on forever, tempting others to feel as we had felt, or to direct them away from such a pain, such a guilt. But one can never die, only if they had been dead inside, before death sliced its icy hand through them, can they truly die. But how could I possibly die when I just want them to know. To know the pain, the hate, the guilt. I would never with this upon someone, this hellish nightmare. Only for them to truly understand what hell it is.
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476
What if He Didn't Love Me At All?
What if he didn’t really love me at all? What if he only said we would get back together just so I wouldn’t kill myself? What if nothing was real? I messed up, he stopped loving me, and there is nothing I can do about it. But I’ve changed, I’m different now. I only want to die every now and then. He doesn’t have to try and protect me from myself anymore. I can take it all. No more sugar, sprinkles, and icing on top. Let’s just cut to the chase and tell me how you feel. Because I feel hate. I hate myself for what I did to you, I hate myself for letting this happen to us. But there’s nothing I can do now. But what if you didn’t really love me at all?
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430
The Story of Us
We were so happy and I messed it all up. I couldn’t go a day without seeing you. And now we hardly say a word to each other. I've written so many messages to you that you will never read. I didn’t have enough strength to tap send. You have made my life a living hell and I wish I could just let you go. My thoughts are still consumed by you and it kills me. My mind is killing me. The thought of you strangles me. Just knowing that I will never be yours. I messed up too bad this time. Sorry doesn’t fix the broken things. I dream that you call me yours, that we are happy again. I miss you everyday and I cry myself to sleep knowing I can’t be yours.
The thought of us kills me. It consumes every atom of my being and it kills me. Why can’t I just move on, why can’t I just let go? Seeing you in the halls makes me feel so sad inside. I love seeing you, but I can’t call you mine and it kills me. My body aches for your touch I once loved so much. The love I still feel for you is deafening. Let’s be like Jack & Sally. Sharing a love that will never die. These thoughts of you kill me every waking moment. When will I feel ok again? When will I be able to breathe again? Please just put me out of my misery already.
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385
I'm Fine
Really, I’m fine. I promise this time. Aside from the sleep deprivation and suicide temptations, I really am fine. No games this time. Just don’t look into my eyes. My mouth speaks the lies, but my eyes say otherwise. Because deep inside, nothing is fine, and I have lost my mind. I don’t want to just talk about things. I want to scream, yell, shout it at the top of my lungs. But I just whisper, I’m fine. So please stop asking, because I’m tired of lying.
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416
The Dark
It’s dark out here. I can feel the cool breeze on my face. It’s silent out here. Every step I take is like a gunshot in the night. I’m almost to the end of this road, to wait by a street light. He’s getting near, I’m can see him down the way. He’s going to pick me up and take me away. Because it’s dark out here and I don’t want to stay.
It’s time to leave this place, time to escape this hell that has been killing me. I can hardly breathe, these walls are caving in on me. We’re leaving now, never to return. He’ll take me to a new place, far away from here. No one will know, no one will see, and we’ll just take our leave. Because it’s dark out here and it’s killing me.
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362
It's Complicated
Life is too complicated to live. But it’s too complicated to end it. Either way you choose, you cannot win. If you live, you suffer. If you die, others suffer for you. Life sucks, but death sucks more. Ending it all may end your pain, but it will just transfer itself to all the ones you love. Maybe life should be given a chance, maybe you should live another day. Just put the mask back on and keep it all in. Don’t make your loved ones go through what you have to go through everyday, don’t give them the pain you feel every waking moment.
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398
To Have and to Hold
Hold me now, hold me forever. Take what you will, give what you please. To have you and to hold you, is to taste the sweet smoke on your lips even when you’re not around. To smell the delicious aroma of your cigarettes on my clothes, even days after we’ve been together. To lock my fingers in yours, and hold your head to my chest. To silently convince you to let me have my wicked way with you. To give in. To let you have yours. To cherish you and all your flaws, all your mistakes. To have and to hold you till death do us part.
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363
'Til Death Do Us Part
If you are to hold me, beware. I’m a ticking time bomb. At any moment I could snap, I could run out in the street and get hit. Love me, cherish me, hold me. For as long as you possibly can. My mind is killing me, and this death will part us. Don’t say you care if you really don’t. I don’t need your excuses, just your presence. I don’t need your money, just your time. I don’t need your sorry's, just your actions. This moment will last forever, until death do us part. So love me, show me that you care. Hold me close, never let me go. Be persistent, never give up on me. All I ask is for your patience. This will take time. A wound never heals over night, my mind will never heal over night.
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347
The Mask
I put on this mask so you won’t see me cry. This way you won’t see how much I hurt inside. I cry in the night these silent sobs, just so you won’t ask me what’s going on. These tears that flow have kept me sane, for if they don’t, I won’t feel the pain. This pain keeps me alive for if I didn’t feel, I would die. This mask that I wear is here to stay, for I don’t want you to see me this way. With my blood on the walls, you will see, this pain I feel isn’t for me. It’s now yours to bare, for I can no longer hold it within me. These blood stained halls will make you see that this mask isn’t just for me. Put it on and you will feel how I’ve felt for many years. This mask is now yours, take it from me, for I can no longer bleed. These tears will flow from your own eyes, because mine have dried and no longer subside. Wear the mask and you will see, this pain is not just for me.
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335
Why Can't I
Why can’t I love myself the way others say they do? Why can’t I just move on from my past? Why can’t I feel loved like I used to? I brought this upon myself. I have to live with the consequences of my actions, or lack of. I have to live with this hate that I feel for myself. I did this. I let this happen. There’s nothing I can do or say to try and fix things. It’s not as easy as you think for me to move on from this past which haunts. It tears me to pieces everyday. There not a day that goes by where I don’t hurt, hate, and die inside. I can’t love myself because I didn’t love you the way I should have. I should have loved you better. And I’m sorry for what I did to you. But no amount of sorry will fix what I’ve done. So I’ll go now, I’ll take my leave. You won’t have to worry about me. I’ll be gone and I won’t be missed, for I have sinned beyond dismiss.
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357
My Life and Yours
I’ve always had much to say but little was said. I was very unsure of how you would react, of what you would say. This closet gets darker everyday. The thoughts of what I feel consume every part of me. They scream that I should just tell the truth of what has really been going on. I’ve been left in the dark one too many times and I’m getting so very tired of it. This pain that I feel breaks me more and more with every passing moment. It’s been years and I’ve still not been able to tell the whole truth of everything. My heart and soul cracks more each day and it’s starting to show. The tears have started to flow on their own. I can’t hardly stop them now. These days pass with many fake smiles, fake feelings, and fake I’m ok’s. I lie each and everyday just so you don’t have to worry. Just so you don’t ask how I’m doing. I’ve learned that it’s better to say nothing at all than to tell you how I really feel. The walls keep closing in on me and I just can’t take it anymore. There’s a cold, hard feeling in my veins. It’s calling my name. Screaming to be released. The blood boils under my skin as I try my damndest not to let it spill. Deep breath, let it out, give in. One cut, two cut, three cut, four. It’s been a long hard day and the walls have finally suffocated me. This closet has won and I have lost. For the blood now flows and takes the cost. The cost of this life. The cost of this pain. It takes it all away. I have finally spoken what I’ve felt for so long. As the tears stop flowing and the blood stops pouring, the pain is gone and with it are the words left unspoken. For there is still much to say, but it can only be felt in your own heart and soul. This pain I’ve felt will now be yours, for I can no longer carry it with me. There is nothing left to break, it’s now you in my place. These thoughts left unthought will be yours to think in the night. The night is where you will hear my cries for help, but they will now be your own. The tears left unshed will be shed by your own eyes. These eyes will become dull, just like mine. Lifeless, dark, sad, and full of secrets. You will not say much to anyone even though you are breaking inside. Within no time at all you will finally understand the burning of the blood, the flowing in the veins, the calling of your name. The whisper you hear will be the voice of reason, the voice which calls your name. It will say that there is no other way. The words you left unspoken will be written in your blood, as it spills onto the floor. As your life slips from your soul. The secrets kept will be unleashed. The unspoken will be spoken. One way or another all will know what I’ve kept inside for so long. All my secrets will be known, all the words I left unsaid will be splattered across the walls with blood that is not my own.
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286
Mirror Mirror
Mirror mirror, can't you see?
What you show is killing me.
These scars on my body tear into me.
They drained every drop of life I had.
Now there's nothing left to take.
The pain is getting too real.
Please, I'd rather fall off a never ending cliff than feel this emptiness.
This creeping silence is killing me.
All that's left are these thoughts of what I used to be.
They fade more and more everyday.
If only there were a way...
A way to escape what is killing me.
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307
The Closet
This closet is dark.
I wish I could come out and say how I feel.
My family would never understand.
They would judge,
Then disappear.
They would say I'm weird,
And never want to see me again.
This closet is dark,
But someone's holding my hand.
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284
Left Unspoken
It's crazy to think about all those times I almost texted you and all the things I wanted to say. But I left every word of it unspoken. How many times I typed out a message to you, just to delete it a second later. All the thoughts and feelings I wanted to tell you, but I didn't. I didn't in fear that you would hate me, judge me, ignore me. I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same... afraid you would think me mad. But my dear, we are all mad here.
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297
How Could You
How could you move on so quick? Everything that happened, it wasn’t that simple. I know what I let go on was not ok, I know I messed up in the biggest way. But how could you move on? I still can’t. I can’t stand to see you turn the other way, please just turn and look me in the face. Tell me it’s ok. I’ll believe you. But it’s killing me, I don’t think I can live another day. Just whisper my name... Don’t turn and look away, I still need you, but I just can’t stay. I can’t stay here and see this happen, I can’t watch us drift apart. This is killing me, it’s tearing me apart. Please, just look me in the eye, say that it’s alright. Because I’ll believe you. I just need you to stay.
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319
Chains and Whips
I’m sorry that I closed my eyes. I’m sorry I didn’t jump into the night. I want to make it up to you. Anything you want, I’ll do. Chain me up, tie me down. Whip me across my back, smack me in the face. I’ll make it up to you. Lock me away, make it so I never see the light of day. I’m sorry I didn’t come and stay. I’ll make it up to you.
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278
The Screaming of My Blood
My blood is screaming. It wants to get out. My skin is itching. It wants to feel the blade. The demons are yelling. They want to take over. My thoughts have been tainted. They’ve turned to dark and cold, black and blue. They don’t want to feel the sun, they want to shy away from the light of day. My blood is screaming, my skin is itching. It’ll only be a little one. At least at first. My blood with rush for more. My skin will burn in delight. My demons with cheer, cheer of excitement. They will be pleased with me. Maybe just a few more. The blood is pouring out now. It’s struggling to stop. My skin is crying out in pain. I’ve done too much. My demons have disappeared, left me to feel the effects. Left me to feel the sting, the dizziness from all this blood. But my blood was screaming, it wanted out. My skin was itching, it wanted to feel the slice of the blade. Now that it’s out, there’s nothing left. The demons are no where to be found. The blood is all but gone. It’s all over the floor, on my clothes, in the water. The blood has stopped screaming. My skin has stopped itching.
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281
I'm Sorry
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything I put you through.
I'm sorry for the things I said to you.
I'm sorry for the way that I am to you.
I'm sorry because I know that I let you down.
I'm sorry because I know I want be around.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
I just hate the way we left things.
So I owe you this letter I wrote.
Only two ways a love dies,
it blows up or it fades slow.
I'm sorry.
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299
The Wall
There's this wall. It's a new wall.
We don't like this new wall.
Wanna know why?
It's because the ones on the other side of the wall think they are superior to us.
Sure, they can do things a bit better than we.
However, they were just like us not that long ago.
They have saddled themselves upon high horses, so high that they can't even see the storm brewing right beneath.
This wall is new. We do not enjoy its presence.
Those on the other side used to be our friends, our might in the rough.
They would help push us to be better.
Now they belittle us, make us rough with no might.
We have fallen hard since the arrival of this wall.
We will tear it down!
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301
This Blade
This blade, that I take out every night.
To kiss my skin, and make it cry.
This blade, has ripped my skin, and torn me limb from limb.
But it's saved my life.
I'll show you all my scars, laid upon both my arms.
But I'll say, it's alright.
With these scars, and this broken heart.
I'll be just fine.
If I just take my pills, and keep my mind still.
I'll be just fine.
Because this blade, has saved my life.
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298
It Won't Matter At All
All of this won't matter tomorrow.
They will be questioning other things.
Like, how could she fall?
Did it even hurt at all?
Why did she do it?
Couldn't she just pull through it?
But the questions won't matter.
The feelings left behind will.
All things we had left unsaid, will be slain across my chest.
With a bullet wound left in place of my heart.
Everything I felt, will be dealt by them.
The ones who didn't care at all.
The ones who pushed it all.
But all of this won't matter tomorrow.
They will be questioning other things.
Like, what's in this drink?
Was it her, I think?
What's under this pillow?
It's the rope from the willow.
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363
Demonized
My demons were yelling, screaming to be set free.
I don't know what upset them so much.
But they were screeching and I couldn't take it anymore.
I stepped into the boiling water and began the process.
I ignored them, they were still yelling.
The water got hotter, they got quieter.
They stopped squirming under the heat.
I melted them.
Melted them to their mortal selves.
Back to only voices inside of my head.
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