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Unlike her
I know that I was the one
Because I know all the stars in the sky
I know that I was special for you
Because with me your sadness was dying
I know that I was good for you
Because you were smiling while looking in my eyes
I know that with me you were new
Because you were lying between my thighs
Unlike her
I was by your side…
Unlike her
I was looking into your eyes
Unlike her
I was so proud of you
Unlike her
I was growing with you…
I know that I made you to feel young
Because with me you were not afraid to take a risk
I know that we were happy
Because we were lying between the bricks
I know that your tears were real
Because you have told me stories that no one knew
I knew that soon we will disappear
Because the last time I left, you did not say “see you”…
Unlike her
I am being myself
Unlike her
I am not someone else
Unlike her
I was holding your hand
Unlike her
I was not refusing to have sex
But you are still with her…
You still prefer her…
Maybe she is got something that I don’t have
I guess now you don’t care
Seems like you are somewhere
With her...
4
3
659
Who am I?
I never say thank you to your compliments
I never say sorry, even if I did something that I regret
I am planning things, but act like it’s just a coincidence
I am burning my wings, without even thinking about consequence
I have sinned lots of times, but I still believe in my religion
Even with the time machine, I would have made the same decision.
I can’t decide if I want to play dirty games or cry all night.
I don’t know where to go, I don’t know which way is right.
Should I smile or should I hide my emotions?
My feelings are on fire and I am so broken
I want to sit on the bottom of the specific ocean
And scream about all the things that stayed unspoken.
HE acts like he don’t care anymore
Or maybe he is not acting at all.
She left me, like I was nothing for her before
So hard my heart it trying to be like a stone.
People can’t stand with my serious face
All the time they force me to smile
But did you know that I have been in pain?
And it was not for a while.
They always expect too much from me,
But i learnt and stopped saying sorry.
Any person in this world is replaceable,
So i try to not care about him.
Now, I am standing face to face with fully bloody moon.
I am asking to her why my life is turning monotonous
“Sweetheart, you will figure out everything so soon
It’s good for you to become dangerous “
4
0
954
I want back to you
I was very drunk
When I was trying to make it all right
And when I was so tired of thinking all night
About you
I recall your every word
Suddenly I remembered all our conversations
And our every sad situation,
That were not few
You broke my heart in two
But when it heals, it still want to be back to you
Its seems crazy but its true
I should convince myself that I don’t want you
Even though I do
Cause I have no rights to have you
But I still want to go back to you
I changed my perfume
To forget that damn afternoon
You know I still want to resume
To that day when you were in my room
You know, I cut my hair
To forget that your hands were there
To be honest I am scared
Cause I still want to go back to you
With your fingers you were touching my soul
With you I had my life into control
My heart was so whole
I wish I could go back to you
You thought that I was playing
Like all the girls of my age
But try to look at me with different view
I want to go back to you
It is not another game
You know, now I am good at hiding my feeling
Nothing has really changed
But I am still scared, cause
I want to go back to you
2
0
719
I was on fire
I tried
So hard i tried to change my life
Tell me why
I can forget all that times.
I am dead inside
It was my very first crime
I was on fire
Despite of the times when i cried.
I changed my parfume
Cause you liked it so.
I cut my long hair
To forget how you were touching my soul.
I lied
To myself
When i said i want us to devide.
Time flies
But feelings are the same.
Other guys
Are nothing but the game
That i loved to play.
Tell me why
I cant stop thinking about you
Tell my how to move on.
But i am keeping your face
In my head
Just in case
If you decide to come home.
I have nothing to say.
But you were my first and last love
Of my fucking life.
I will never be happy.
If you will never be mine.
But you will never be mine...
8
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1112
Her
I am drowning into her perfection,
Now I know what you found in her.
Looking in a mirror, I hate my reflection,
Don’t know where your eyes were.
Which one for me is right direction?
To leave or stay as I always wanted.
Is this just desire of affection?
Anyway don’t leave me disappointed.
Why I was not listening,
When you said “run away from me”
I still was not listening.
When you said “I’m devil underneath human’s skin”
You said go run and save your soul.
But I was not listening.
I was blind and I lose control.
That’s why I was not listening.
Now it’s too late to save my soul
I sold it with my pure wings.
I cut them… I stayed alone.
I destroyed all my nonexistent dreams.
4
0
704
Love the way, hate the way
I love the way I gave you everything I had.
Every inch of my skin now belongs to you.
I am trying not to be sad,
But I am still jealous when I am looking at you two.
I love to remember every day I spent
With you, ruining everything.
I love the way we are creating chaos,
While doing some scary things.
I love the way you light up my cigarette
And the way you call me beautiful.
Oh, how i love when you sweat
And when you are dutiful.
i hate when your hands are on steering-wheel,
Because you can’t touch my face.
i hate the way we are having sex
And war on the next day.
Hate the way you are playing on my nerves
And pretend like you don’t care.
I thought you will accept me the way I am.
But as I see, you are not here.
Hate the way when you are lying
Or just not saying anything.
Hate the way you are denying
All my theories about everything.
Hate the way you think I love the pain.
And the way you are afraid of me.
I know we are going to do it again
It doesn’t matter if I hate some things.
I hate the way you call me stupid
And the way you think I am gossiping.
Hate the way when we are fighting
And on the next day act like, nothing’s happening.
Love the way you hold me tight
And the way I know that you know.
The way we look up at the stars at nights
How you read my mind or go slow.
There were days when I wanted you.
I am sure you can guess those days,
Like when I loved you or when i hated you,
Because I know you felt the same way.
I was never expected things to change
But can we get through the week without fighting?
Seems like we stuck on the same page
And here I am now sitting and writing.
I hate many things.
But I don’t want them to change.
Because I love the way
You are stupid for your age.
5
1
1737
To God
People run,
People ignore me,
Thay act like i dont exist...
What i have done?
Why they are doing this?
They all are now in my black list.
They all
Broke my heart
And now it hurts very much.
Cant realize what i have done?
To deserve it...
It was hard,
The most difficult part,
But it helped me to create art...
I used it for me...
I fell apart.
Now i need a fresh restart.
I was dumb,
But now i am very smart.
It was the last straw.
I will never lose again.
I was in love,
But i never loved myself
I was in church
And i felt so much pain...
I need a god
And his forgiveness
Im sorry, my sins were mad
Please heal my illness.
Please make me happy!
I need to be happy!
I want to be happy!
Im begging you...
Bring a person in my life
You can change it
My back was knifed
But i will let him to change it.
God please i need you
To save me...
Help me to find myself
And be happy.
4
0
1219
Chaos
Here is the chaos that I’ve created.
This is the reason why I am hated.
I’m messed up now, like never before
Maybe that’s why I am alone.
I’m not better than that woman,
Who is sleeping with my dad.
Don’t know how she is looking,
But pretty sure that she is sad.
My mom says that I am psycho,
Without knowing me at all.
I should try to live with that,
But all I do is staring at the wall.
I am trying to live with this,
But that’s too much for me.
Killing myself is alternative,
Because chaos is all what I am creating.
I’m on the edge, I am drowning.
With the demons I am surrounded.
To this world I want to say goodbye.
But you know what? I am too scared to die.
5
0
1193
Running from reality
Now I’m in an airplane,
Looking out of my window
I remember yesterday,
It was 3am
And I was lying on the bathroom floor…
I was crying,
I was almost dying,
I was thinking about my life,
About us, how it all ended,
About the times when i was (we were) happy.
I must confess that I wanted more.
I bet you don’t remember anything at all,
Because you told me so…
And now I am all alone.
You are like my old white dress,
That I loved very much.
But I can’t wear it anymore,
Because now it’s too small.
You are so rare,
I am still comparing you with my every guy.
I am touching their faces and I am closing my eyes.
I want to be happy, but I am just dying.
Because, you are still the best.
You are not like the rest.
They all don’t have your hazel eyes,
Your grey hair and your sweet smile,
Your sense of humor.
Your sincere tears and your style.
I would give everything to hug you again,
Well, you owe me one last hug.
Cause it was like a drug
And no pill can replace it.
I am jealous of every person who is touching your hand
getting your attention
And speaking to you
God damn!
It was a very painful lesson.
I deserved it
To be true...
You are the only one, who can control my mood.
There is why I got angry, when you were so rude.
I wonder if there is a day in your life without thinking about me.
Cause i cant remember the day without thinking about you...
You know i am changing my mind each day,
There is why people around my run away...
You wrote a song about me,
but baby i wrote the whole book about you...
Sometimes i wonder
"He was so warm when we were together
But he became cold, when we became strangers.."
I am sorry,
Once I wrote a poem
About wishing you were dead,
But I burnt it down…
So all words stayed unsaid.
I know, I broke your heart.
But mine was already broken, by the people that I loved.
I thought that you were supposed to be in my life.
I thought that it was a fate.
I ruined everything, because I got tired of trusting the time
But I guess; now it’s too late.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore,
The worst thing is that I can’t stop writing about you.
Oh, how I want to show you them all,
But, I can’t.
Because I have to build up a wall.
In my reality you were my soulmate,
But I lost you…
My broken heart is desolated,
There is nothing new.
I can’t forget, because I loved it,
Oh, how I loved the way you cared!
Now all I have left is to hate,
Hate the way you disappear.
I wish we have not started like that.
I wish it has not ended like that…
The funny thing is that I wrote a pretty big poem
But all the words are still unsaid.
Sometimes I dont love you,
But you are still my muse...
There is absolutely nothing left to lose.
Romeo once said
"Is love a tender thing? it is too rough, Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn"
I felt that
When i fell for you for the first time
It was my very first serious crime.
I don't want you back.
I don't want you anymore.
I don't love you,like i did before
But i need you
I need you in my fucking life
But seems like your heart is cold now
And you dont care what gonna happen to me tonight.
I’m in an airplane now,
I am looking out of my window.
I am so lost into the clouds
I smiled, because i liked it so
10
2
1213
To love of my life
I met you on the right time, when it was not cold
I was trying to protect myself; because in my head was storm
I was bad at controlling my emotions, but then I felt your warmth
Your touch become like a drug for me and the storm has gone.
We were sitting around the fire, when your friend was telling a story.
You were sitting far from me, but I catch your eyes, they were on me.
I stand up; I looked at you over my shoulder and run into the woods.
I knew that you will come over and catch me looking at the moon…
I was afraid to open up to you, I was afraid to talk about my sins.
I was afraid because I fell in love, and cause I was a girl without wings.
I had so much to say about my life, so I started to over-think.
But, I just put my head on your shoulder and for a second a let you to be my king.
You said “we should live without regrets and do what we want to do”
After this every weekend became ours; there was no time to feel the blue.
I touched your face, because I can’t believe that person like you really exists.
Now it was the time to do all the things from our bucket list.
I remember the day when I risked watching a scary movie.
I looked so stupid, at that moment I wonder why you ever choose me.
I was screaming, when a stupid girl entered a room with full of ghosts.
We were eating popcorn but I threw them all on that girl.
I love our unplanned picnics and crazy car trips to Neverland
When you are looking at my hand with which I am trying to catch the wind and fly
You are trying to risk and turn on the music of your favorite band
But you know that I will switch it our song “him and I”
I like to change one line in this song
I am saying “we are 2018 Bonnie and Clyde”
You know I love to say those words, because we actually are…
…Well, I said those words before you came into my life.
Sometimes we act like we are aristocrats, to enter the socialite events
I’m all into black and you are in suit, we let the games begin.
Once, we were in theatre watching the “Romeo and Juliet”
I looked at you, but all your attention was on him
It was one of the most interesting moments, He was dying…
But I still was looking at your serious face
I smiled; I didn’t understand what I did to won at life
I am so lucky; it is the life I was trying to create.
I trust you, like I trust no one else, so I told you my mad story
There were days when I hated myself, but you liked me for me
I let you to own me and climb inside my body
With you I became a person who I always wanted to be.
You helped me to forget my past and mistakes that I’m not proud of
You helped me to change myself, from now I won’t fake myself anymore
I was on the right way, but you helped to see the light
Do you know that you changed my life, when you said that you fell for my eyes?
4
0
1029
I love
Your Hazel eyes...
Your Grey hair...
Your Sweet smile...
Your Sincere tears...
I love your style,
i Loved the way you cared...
Hate your goodbyes,
And the way you dessapeared...
3
0
1071
If I ...
If I let you to climb inside my body
Doesn’t mean that i belong to you
If I said that you are lovely
Doesn’t mean that this is true.
If I'm trying get to know you better
Doesn’t mean that I'm in love with you
If I want to wear your sweater
Doesn’t mean that i like your perfume.
If I'm touching your skin every time
Doesn’t mean that i want you
If i said that i hate your lies
Doesn’t mean that i need the truth.
If i am saying that you know good sex
Doesn’t mean you should believe
If i am rolling my eyes, while seeing your ex
i am not jealous, don't be naive
I am catastrophe.
I am destroying everything around me,
This was story of tragedy.
Ending does not exist.
5
0
1054
Anxiety
It was 2am and I was walking in the underground
When this all happened to me.
I don’t remember how I crossed the street
Or how I woke up from this dream.
I was in front of the black door.
I was standing and staring at nothing.
Suddenly I felt like, that this already has happened before
But it was just my anxiety.
I was in silence drinking and smoking
Thinking about how to end this war
Those thoughts are on my neck trying to choke me
But all I want is to figure out how to be loved.
They don’t understand what’s going on with me
Crowd! I am like the rest standing here.
I just have more demons inside me
Please don’t be afraid to stand near.
But guys, with whom I was playing,
Does not care why I am ashamed.
All they want is to see me in their bed
Naked and ready to be tamed.
Lots of boys are begging to get my attention
There is why they are ready to hear my fake stories.
I let them to come closer to me but,
Then I’m breaking their hearts, without saying sorry.
I am amateur as my ex-lover says.
But I am very professional in bad decisions.
I am amateur in love and sex.
But cool at tragical reactions.
Maybe this all is happening because I am selfish
And I think about me and that’s what I do.
I often hear from you that I am careless.
And there is why I can’t get along with you.
I often say that I hate you.
But I never loved someone, like this before.
You think that I don’t respect you
I promise you won’t feel this hate from me anymore.
I really want to be centre of this world
I want them to lie around my knees.
I want to be compared with that gold
That is wearing the kingdom queen.
If something is not as I want, I am starting to cry
But it’s not manipulation, those tears are very real.
I often think about my mission in this life.
How do you think? Can my life someday be an ideal?
3
0
926
Cold Heart
People think that my heart is cold.
And that I don’t feel anything.
But no one is made of gold,
And I am very sensitive.
All they see is my serious face,
Without knowing who I am.
People smile to me, but in case
They try to sit far away from me.
All I do is pretend, to be a cold-hearted.
I don’t remember when this fake game started.
People who surround me don’t know me at all.
Some of them are trying to break down this wall.
I am really afraid to let them come closer.
I am just playing; I am my life’s composer.
I am not surprised that they don’t like me.
I try to save myself; it’s the reason why I hide me.
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1661
We messed it all up...
We are from different world.
We found each other in a mess.
Sometimes we don’t say a word.
But understand each other like no one else.
You have seen dark parts of my mind.
But still choose to stay.
You have seen my body from behind,
in some dirty ways.
I must confess that I am jealous, Every time when I see you with her.
Seems like you are happy,
That’s why I think, I should have left.
I have no rights to be selfish,
And expect answers from you.
It breaks my heart into pieces,
But do what you want to do.
I know more than you think,
But you are still mysterious.
I want to know what is in your head,
Is not that too obvious?
I often think that I am unforgiven,
And there is no survival for me.
I want to drown in a pure river,
And appear in a hell after this.
I’m sure you can’t imagine
How many times I’ve cried.
Reasons are many, including you.
Yes, we messed it all up too many times …
9
0
929
In A Car
You are in a car
On your way to church
To Tell your sins to god...
You promised, "i wont hold you down
I wont let you to drown"
But I am on the ground
In the dirty bathroom
Falling apart...
There were best days in my life
With you
Staring at the full moon.
You were trying to be young
I was trying something new.
Your touch was melting my frozen heart.
Your kiss was making me dumb.
You changed and destroyed my life at the same time.
I was mad because you were not fully mine.
You make me to shine very bright
You were the sun, You were the light.
But now you are gone and i pretend that i am still shining.
You are not there for me anymore and i act like i am not crying.
You are in your car
With her
On your way to have fun.
I imagine you smiling at her
And pretend that you are in love...
4
0
832
Do you remember...
Do you remember the nights we were spending in a hotel rooms?
Do you remember the nights when we were staring at the stars and moon?
Do you remember us in a car sitting in a silence?
Cause I remember everything
And I would repeat those days all over
Do you remember when I was turning on my CD to hear my favorite tune?
Do you remember everything that happened in this damn June?
Cause I remember everything
Now I’m sitting in that dirty bathroom,
I’m lighting up my cigarette
Thinking about what I can do with my life
Going out, looking at full moon
Wanting it all over again
Wishing I could turn back that time
When I was not sad at all
When I was in your arms
Or lying on the floor
Imagining I was touching the stars
Do you remember that damn day when I first time ever met your girl?
I was in your house’s kitchen, standing in front of the door.
Do you remember the day when you were at my place and got caught by my dad?
Or do you remember those long days when we were so mad?
Cause I remember everything,
But I won’t repeat those days.
Do you remember all the promises that you gave to me?
Most of them are undone and I don’t why but I am still waiting.
Can you imagine that long nights with tears on my checks?
Never felt something like this, there is why you made me weak.
5
2
864
21
Now its been a month
Since a became twenty one
And im still trying to change my life
Pain has not gone
War in my head has just begun.
All the regrets are still alive.
Im standing on place, but i just want to run
Somewhere
I need to change everything.
I never needed a space, i just want to be loved
Cared
And not to be scary thing.
Out there is a sun, but i just need my mum,
To tell her my story
She is mad at me , because i called her a dumb
Honey, im so sorry...
Im listening - she said
I answered - no i cant
Because im too scared
To show up who really i am
I was dating an older man
With him a had my first sex
I wrote poem about wishing him was dead
But i burnt it,
So words stayed unsaid.
Now im 21
Trying to have more fun
My life has just begun
I want to do things that are undone.
He is almost 30
Cant believe i was sleeping with him
Cause of his religion, he cant be with me.
Now he is with his wife
Trying to live a happy life
With pretending being perfect.
He is ignoring my soul
Because his priest told him so.
Was i just your sex object?
Im 21, wild and free
Trying to find some clues and keys
Im ready to swim in the sea
With a boy who is falling on my knees.
Im 21
I had played with gun
After i became a sinner
I was 19
When i slept with that guy
I started wishing to be a skinner
I was in love
When the war has begun
In love i was just a begginer.
I am not the only one
Who has gone too far
And wished to became a killer.
4
1
769
