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Normal
I guess it takes a certain amount of pain,
To lose every thing you had,
To understand what it means,
To have loved and to have lost,
But nothing seems to be getting better,
Do things ever return normal,
Whatever normal is to be,
Before everything became a constant memory?
Up and down,
This is one unorthodox merry go round,
Turning, flipping, upside in, downside out,
Emotions lost,
Mixed, thrown, way too far tossed,
I just want to be normal again,
I just want a way back in,
Everyone has changed,
Nothing or no one seems sane,
Or is it me?
Why can't I see things straight?
Am I really going nuts?
Am I really this deranged?
Scary part is, I haven't found me,
I no longer want to play this game of hide and go seek,
Who is in control,
Because no one seems to know,
Where souls like mine,
Really ever go.
I used to be someone who never gave up,
Now I could care less who wins,
I don't really give two fucks,
That's what happens when you think,
You get trapped, dazed, and in a blink,
Life will fuck you so damn hard,
You just have to let it rip open the scars,
Because it's there,
It's not going anywhere,
Better adapt to getting screwed,
Re-adjust your position,
Because the next fuck is for you,
I'm scared of how much I'll snap,
When the chains that hold me back,
Finally decide to give in and break,
And I just laugh,
At how much I have had to take,
I'm nervous,
I'm anxious,
I'm terrified,
Because I don't even know the person
I've become,
Who has taken over?
Why is she such a cunt?
I carry on like I am supposed to,
I try to remain strong, as one will do,
Because I know that when I get to my final destination,
I know the judgement is going to be a brutal assassination.
©shantilly
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363
She Won't Let Him Go
She slowly slips into the night
Dreaming of the time when things were right
Longing for the day when she'll have a chance
A glimpse
Some kind of sign
Struggling to hold onto hope, as her inner voice
Tells her, she has no other option
No other choice
Letting it all sink in, this desperation,
Drenched in solitude, as she is aching,
She tries to vividly embody, this woman, of graceful poise
This feeling can't last forever, it just can't
One day she is feeling like she can make it,
The next, her mind is an endless rant
Emotions scattered about, but she doesn't know how to let go of
For if she does,
It's like she is somehow, letting him go
So every night as she slips further
Into a darkness,
Excluding all slumber
She waits,
As if dedicated to being medicated,
As the black stillness takes over,
Her life, succumbed to be numb,
Goes blank
They get longer....
These nights of endless torture....
When will the moment come?
When she will long for him no longer?
Just waiting for something to become,
A sign, meant for only she
A sign from someone,
Whom she has only clung on to,
Ever so tightly,
Only she, knowing he won't ever show,
She wants to, she needs to,
But she won't,
Let him go
©shantilly
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373
My Prayer
I just need my friend back,
If You are the real deal....
You would have him, right?
Well I need him back!!
Please!!!
He was the only person that could ever,
Render me, completely!
I'm still in wonder!
Entranced by everything that he ever said,
Or had ever done,
Captivated,
Motivated,
Speechless,
My heart,
Wonderfully reckless!!
He gave me the will to surrender,
Give up the worst side of me,
That was dirty, that was killing me....
He was the light that made me see!
HE was able to make me believe!
He made me want to become a better version of me!
For my life, for my kids....
I never even wanted to accept love,
Or even so much as embrace it!
I had come to hate it!
Chased it away if it got too close to me...
Until it hit me,
Hard as this love did....
Punched me right in the feels,
A pounding nervousness,
Felt it in every kiss,
Never knew how much I needed him...
How much I loved him....
Until You took him from me!!
Suddenly....
Unexpectedly....
I cursed Your name,
I Hated You,
Hated Your existence,
Even more than I ever thought I did....
How could You allow this?
How is this a good thing?
The amount of torture such as this.....
This isn't Your thing....
Why?
When?
Did you trade places with Evil,
Was nobody going to tell ME??!!
Where did I go wrong?
How did I fuck up?
I Swear, I will repent all of my sins,
If I could just come up..
Apologetically,
Immensely, beg You for forgiveness,
Beg You, until there is nothing left of me...
Try to understand,
That I'm nothing without my friend....
I can't wrap my fucking head around this!
My only hope in getting through another year,
Is believing in the hope that You can help me,
If ever You should have the chance to 'save me',
Your chance is here....
Nothing in my life
Will ever be the same!
My heart will never be repaired!
My soul is eternally grateful,
If I haven't expressed that yet,
That I had a chance to meet
One of Your Angels....
But I gave up,
I've lost hope,
I lost myself....
And now look at me,
Now I'm talking to You,
The Holy Ghost!
I just need him!
Can I have him back?
Because I can't imagine,
Or fathom the idea,
To be able to exist,
In Your World,
And not think about him...
This person I fear
This person I'm dreadfully starting to hate,
Is becoming more real,
With every passing day.
My world is now a deadly tornado,
Everything is out of control,
Where I end up next,
Is sure to be the last place I'll be thrown.
I just want my friend back,
The only one who even cared at all.
Showed me a real soul,
What it was,
We were starting to get there,
That place where,
Everything good existed,
And then.....
Then something forced Your hand,
To bring him next to You to stand.
I can't wait for the moment when,
I get to finally feel him next to me again.
Skin to skin,
To breath him in.
That time can't come soon enough....
Sitting here pissed off at the world,
That You created...WHY?
Do You take pleasure in all of this?
I miss him so fucking much!
He was everything to me!
My everything is gone!
It makes me so damn mad!
I no longer have,
The strength,
Courage,
Everything I had felt when I was with him,
Vanished!
On the day he left,
The day You took everything from me,
The only shred of hope I held onto,
When I felt I had nothing,
He was the only one who wasn't leaving me,
When everyone else was going....
He was bringing me back,
From a life that was faltering,
A life that was sad,
All but forgotten...
And now,
He's gone!
Because of You!
Where am I?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
My children don't deserve to see me like I am,
They need to see me as a Mom,
A Mom who is strong,
Who knows how to get through,
I'd be in a different place altogether,
If it wasn't for their need for me to carry on...
While he was bringing back the Mother they once knew,
That they wanted,
Had needed for far too long,
And for a moment they had her,
Here You come along,
To take the joy I had been given,
Taken right back from me!
I still don't have a damn reason....WHY?!
Why did You have to take the one person,
That felt like a link,
That completed this messed up,
Puzzle of Life,
The life You apparently,
Evidently,
Had destined for me....
Because why do I feel like I'm in a constant dream,
Existing only just to grasp onto a memory?
Not really sure where I belong in this reality?
Without him....
I need You to guide me,
Back to where it felt like my life had just begun,
When it felt brand new,
When I wasn't thinking of the next bad thing to happen...
If You can do this for me,
I'll make this promise to You:
I'll promise never again to allow myself,
To drown in my sorrows,
Or surround my heart in the pits of Hell....
I'll promise to be stronger than I've ever had to be,
I'll promise anything!
Are you listening?!
I need You to light the way for me,
I'm sick and tired,
I want to give up,
You aren't supposed to let me!
Enough is enough!
This hurts too much!
I can't do this alone....
These tears keep blurring my vision,
And my vision is slowly depleting,
So I will make You my rhyme...
Since You took away my reason....
You will be a God that I will pray to,
That is something You probably thought,
To be something I would never do,
So if I'm willing to make a change of heart,
To believe in something unknown,
Then tell me...
Will You do Your part?
Just this once!?
I'll keep it hush hush!
Will you fix this mistake?
This utter tragedy?
But if You can't,
Or won't, bring him back to me,
Then why should I pray to You,
When I lay me down to sleep?
What's the fucking use?!
If he isn't here with me?
©shantilly
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358
The Meaning Of......
Does anyone really know,
What it means,
What it is to find a certain beauty,
The kind of beautiful that is said to be,
Found in the 'little things?'
The moments that you never think,
Could ever mean a thing?
Is it really love you feel?
Or is it something else, entirely?
Because I hate it....
That feeling....
When it tries to sink it's claws in me...
But then.....
It becomes strong,
Becomes "Mean"...
Pleasurable,
Blissful, exciting!!!!
The only time I fell in love like this.....
Um....
"What the fuck just happened?"
I wasn't looking for it,
And yet, there it was...
I never would have guessed it,,
Or could have ever imagined,
But what's done, has been done,
Beautifully,
And I liked it!
I enjoyed the feeling,
Though I will never be the same again,
Ha! Love...
What was I thinking,
When I thought I wouldn't feel pain!?
Fuck love,
And it's 'Earth-Shattering',
The "Mean",
The scream,
The gleaming, ravenous teeth,
Sinking in deep,
Many people throw it around,
But lose interest if it slows down...
But do they REALLY know,
Have they actually felt the sting...?
The Wrath of,
"It's Mean".....?
There's conditional love,
Like how Mothers love their children,
And then there's eternal love,
Burning sweet with passion,
Try to describe THAT feeling....
It's ecstatic!!!
Picture it, just imagine...
Opening a door,
And wondering,
Why it won't shut?
Something doesn't make sense,
But it's got you wrapped around it....
Trying to figure out how the hell to get past it....
So all you can do, is just stand there and smile,
All stupid like,
And say, "Fuck it, you won"!
nd you realize, in that very moment,
It's over...
Because,
The heart that was once guarded,
Has now become proud,
A willing,
Wounded soldier....
And made it!
And that falling part?
Oh man, that's the worst!
Never knowing which one of you,
Will be first,
To lay down their sword!
History has shown it to keep it's course,
And nothing hurts worse,
When you feel worthless,
Not even physical pain,
So what is love?
When there is always a heart that is cursed?
When there are so many losses,
And not enough wins?
Your soul destructs,
The battle comes to an end...
Is there supposed to BE an evil side,
Of love,
Or is Cupid's arrow all a fucking lie?
Maybe it isn't, maybe it is....
But what I do know is this....
When love is still in your heart,
Even after someone has to go,
And you still feel that certain little something,
Buried deep inside of your heart....
There's a beauty,
There is a 'little thing'...
A soul, a heart, a Meaning....
It isn't meant to be broken.....
It's with you,
It's something permanent...
So as I throw my hands up,
Smiling all stupid like,
I scream,
"Fuck it, you won"!
And cherish every moment,
Of "Becoming "MEAN"
And I will let it win,
Every single time!!!
©shantilly
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Last Place Loser...
FUCK!!
Does this maze have an end?
When will I reach the finish line?
Page after page?
Word after word?
When does it end?
Or does it continue on...
And on...
WHEN?!?!
I've never been through something so absurd!
This mental game of chess,
Has got to be,
The most ridiculous game,
To EVER BE,
Played in history!
Upon someone who,
Was ALREADY depressed!
Things were finally getting better!
But I should have known that was just God's way of fucking with me!
Let me guess?
This is amusing?
This is entertaining?
To sit back and watch as someone slowly, Caves in, until finally,
Breaking!?
It's fucking sick!
It's twisted!
But that's not the reason I get so pissed!
I am used to 'Holier Than Thou's" giving me shit!
It is knowing I allowed myself,
To get pulled into this....
Again....
Makes me want to vomit!
And the worst part is,
That it doesn't seem like,
It is ever going to stop!
It never quits!
I "ran for shelter" because of this shit,
And it's here!
Followed me just like a fucking pet!
Why can't it just be over yet?
Why can't it just be over and done?
Damn it!
Can't it be put to rest?
These thoughts...?
Are they ever going to get out of my head?
So I can just go the fuck to bed?
I am exhausted,
More what I am probably willing,
And able, to admit...
But I'm over it!
I'd rather be dead than deal with this shit!
Is this the way it's supposed to be?
Is this my end?
Because if so,
I believe I deserve an award for this,
For living in a reality,
Where hanging on by just a thread,
Is obviously a sight to see!
It has been bringing in quite an audience, But the type that is never applauding me!
Everyone and everything,
Just wants to see me bleed?!
How can anything be perceived to be,
Other than a brutal horror mystery?
Stop this grotesque scene from happening!
Please!!!
Leave me be!
Let me heal!
Let me grieve!
Tears thick,
Staining my heart in painful memories,
Of all I have lost!
WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKING WANT??
What else have I got left?!
Who else needs to see,
The final curtain call,
The final scene?!
What's it gonna take?
What's it gonna cost?
I need to be able to pick up the pieces,
That are scattered,
That are lost....
And shut the world out and just....
Crawl back inside my head....
Where I belong....
Where I can sing my last song.....
©shantilly
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Where Are You?
Well it's that time again...
That dreaded time to remember when,
The wicked evil shit this world is filled with,
Wasn't something I had to think about before,
Or knew about, even....
I miss you so bad,
I mean real fucking bad,
I am lost...
No one tells me any sort of truth,
I really fucking need you...
But in recent news,
I verified what I always knew,
The gut feeling I felt the entire time,
Since the day you left,
Life's been rude...
I have grown accustomed to,
It's presence...
Apparently I force it down pretty well,
Because it feels like everyone second guesses it...
This ache in my chest,
Apparently people think something about it,
Is funny....
What is it about me that is amusing?
Besides a crooked smile I get it,
But God damn, aren't they fucking threw with me yet?
I don't know how to handle this Justin...
Where the fuck are you now that I need you?
This is the one time that it's so damn crucial,
I don't feel human anymore....
I don't feel whole....
What the fuck was you doing to me?
I will never know.....
Because to me, it's bullshit!
That I can't let you go,
It's destroying me!
Everything has beaten me down,
To the point where I wear this half ass, Humorous frown....
Jokes on me, I guess,
The little pawn that I was,
Even after you left,
The game has went to hell,
I'm sure of it...
And it's like I'm playing by myself.
I don't understand what the hell I did to become,
The center of the
Infamous "Circle Jerk Of Fun"
I can't escape it...
It follows me everywhere...
No matter where I may run...
I can't control my thoughts long enough,
For my heart to stand still,
To be able to get through the hurt,
Try to fucking heal.
©
©shantilly
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Thinking:
I thought to myself,
"This is crazy!"
"Absolute insanity!"
I had become delusional, obviously,
I just had to be,
You see, unfortunately,
I have an absurd tendency,
To allow my heart to feel too much,
Too quickly,
Foolishly consumed with naivety,
You'd think I'd caught on by now,
To not let a moment or two,
Get the best of me.
But I knew that this time,
I had lost all credibility,
No ground to stand on,
I couldn't argue the fact that I had fallen,
Over the moon,
(Yeah, I know, I can't get it to make sense to me, too),
Stupidly, in love with you,
Silly I know, but I did,
It's true,
I do.
I thought to myself,
"Too soon!"
Even I could agree that much to be true,
For how could anyone possibly feel so damn much?
So fast, so sudden?
So little time spent?
How could this be love?
But it was,
You was enough!
I can't recall when it happened,
When it crossed my mind,
That you were it,
The one I wanted to hold my hand,
Hold my heart, for a really long time,
Giving in to those feelings,
That seemed to just keep repeating,
Revealing, over and over,
Until finally,
I did it!
Threw my hands in the air,
And smiled that grin from ear to ear,
It's been the only time I've known, for me,
To be undeniably carefree,
Simple and serene,
But the biggest mistake I ever made,
Was keeping it bottled up inside of me,
Afraid to reveal anything I felt,
And now I'm paying for it,
This is my hell.
I thought to myself,
"I failed."
By not telling you,
The moment I knew,
Instead of fighting it,
I should have just let it happen.
I was just scared to open up,
In fear of getting hurt,
But I couldn't fight against,
The obvious, the evident,
It wasn't just lust,
This was it.....!!!
But I should have known it would come....
Yep,
There it was,
God's punishment.
I'll never know for what....
Never know just what I did,
To lose the one I actually,
Pictured with, futuristically with,
And not flinch.
I loved you more than ever,
More than I ever thought one could,
I hope you heard me every time,
That I tried to tell you, by the look in my eyes,
Or did you even have a clue?
Did you pay attention that night?
I fell more in love with you,
No matter how I tried to fight,
But it was clear to me,
You were more than just my friend,
You were my "meant to be"
But it was too late....
How I didn't get to say,
Or get to explain,
How I felt about you,
How my heart had changed....
The moment I lost you, I lost my strength,
Now I'm forced to carry this hurt,
And it's getting heavy,
I'm growing weak.
The last time we said goodnight,
I regret so much,
Because I feel as though I didn't do enough,
I should have done enough....
I shouldn't have went home,
I should have given you a longer hug,
I should have never gotten out of that truck....
I hate how I was on top of the world as you told me,
"I'll wait until you get inside before I leave",
And then, driving away.....
Fuck!
It's always that day,
Never thought that would be the last moment.....
I'd ever see your face!
And after you told me you'd be right back....
The last words...
A message....
That was the last....
That phone call changed my life.....
That phone call...
Has been leading me,
To the Ocean of Tears....
The Shore is coming into view.....
But I'm still here....
Alone, hurting,
Nothing seems to bring you back,
Nothing seems to fucking bring ME back!!!
What the fuck happened to me?!
What did you do??
I need ME....
I need YOU!!!!
©
©shantilly
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The Fall
Maybe I'm trying too much,
to be loved,
to feel love...
Wanted by someone..
To be...
Just enough.
When I know that nothing could compare
to what's above,
I can't give someone happiness.
I just can't.
Casual flings is something I can't stand.
It's not me.
But it's been the only dance I've danced,
Recently,
It doesn't change a thing.
Doesn't bring me anything.
Honestly, I don't know how to feel,
How to love anymore.
What's the point?
No one could compare to his worth.
The one who knew my heart enough,
Surprised me too,
That it would hurt this much.
Made me smile,
just because.
All it took was a look,
from those eyes.
I've never seen that look since then....
Maybe I've been trying to find,
In everyone,
In everything,
A version of what made me happy.
I'm always sad now and cab barely, Recognize the sound of my own name...
I've gone mad,
I'm scared of me....
Wish I could wake up,
Have all of this not be real,
I always hear that time fixes all,
Well when is it time for this to be healed?
When can I get up from the fall?
Wipe off the dirt, bandage up the parts that hurt the worst?
Scars are cool, yeah,
But they don't wash off.
Smoking and drinking away the pain,
I know it's not going to make me hear his voice again,
I just allow it to fuck me up every day,
I know he wouldn't want me to be like this,
So low, so all over the place,
With emotions....
That I can't even explain....
But he's not here,
No one's helping me through this shit!
It was unexpected,
thought I had control of it...
I wasn't supposed to feel like this.....
Moments were born...
Memories perfect,
I regret taking them for granted,
Every single fucking second....
Those times we had...
I'll never let go of 'em!
Imagining him not here????
I just never pictured that....
©shantilly
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247
Remains of Heaven
No longer with me physically,
But next to me spiritually,
In my heart, you're always near,
But that alone, just isn't enough for me.
You had an innocence, your eyes warm,
You could make anyone feel good,
Because you seen their worth.
Everyone's friend,
You made us feel lucky, feel blessed,
To be given the honor to know you....
One of Heaven's Best!
Your smile could win anyone in the room over,
Entranced, eyes sort of glossed over....
A reaction, maybe,
A change in the aura..
Atmospheric coma..
You may not have realized how many, Hearts you touched.
Never knew what you meant,
To each one of us.
You will never be forgotten,
Gratefully, you will forever be cherished,
Anytime someone should whisper,
"A Friend Is Here Among Us",
The ones who got the privilege to enjoy
Your version of "Who Sings This?"
Driving into work,
Maybe just reminiscing,
I remember how your voice sounded,
When you would sing along,
To damn near every single song
When KSHE 95 was on....
Your corny one liners...
Always trying to get a laugh, or silly grin,
From anyone you could,
Seemed to be your mission in life,
Your friends were your home..
The devotion you had to friendship,
Your friends were your home....
I admired that...
I know in mine, you will always be missed.
Thank you Justin,
For being there always, anytime,
Dropped what you were doing, didn't waste time,
To help a friend out, no hesitation,
You hated letting anyone down,
Even if all that was needed,
Was just an ear to listen,
Whatever the reason...
Amazing at best,
Admired by many, if not, all,
The epitome,
Walking definition,
Of what a true friend was....
You would always do the best you could,
If it was in your means,
Even if you were having a shitty day,
You tried your best to bring happiness someone's way, at least.
I hope you know it's not going to be easy,
Without you here,
But there will come a day, so they say,
There's going to be pain,
But we will know you are near,
For we have the best angel heaven has got!!!!
Looking down probably thinking, "Look at these fucking clowns!"
But knowing you are there,
Will help us pick ourselves up off the ground,
As we hear your laughter surround,
And within our hearts, feel proud,
That an angel like you,
Looking down.
And this is where it gets personal...
I hope you know you changed me..
I, for one,
Can guarantee,
That I will never be able to forget you,
I just remember your smile,
It seems to help,
Seems to get me through, mostly,
We didn't have a lot of time,
But the times we did share,
They're my memories to keep.
No one will ever compare,
I'm grateful and blessed to have that,
If, nothing else.
It's hard, but I think I'm getting closer,
In accepting,
That our memories,
Are all I get to have...
But I'm not complete...
I'm not me.
But I have them for when I need you,
To come back to me,
When I close my eyes to dream.
I now more than ever,
Appreciate the man you showed me,
And the luckiest spot I ever got to be,
Was beautifully placed in the company,
Of a soul that was perfection and amazing To me....
You were the angel that was destined,
Had to be, in charge of protecting,
My soul...
Was lost before you found me,
But you had what it took to make me see my light,
To heal a hurt,
To see beyond my sights,
To feel what I'd lost,
Bringing that me that I liked,
Right back to the top.
Confidence I needed,
Again,
To be a good mom,
And to return to you,
What you were to me,
A damn good friend,
Through and through.
You were all I had when there was no one else,
And I wasn't looking,
Or wanting a friend,
But I fell,
And now it just hurts like hell...
I'll try my best,
But just so you're aware,
My life without you in it,
It's going to be a train wreck!
So please do your best,
Have the patience to guide me,
Even though you're shaking your head,
"Oh, what the hell Uniquee...?"
So please take control of the reigns,
The reigns I am tired of holding,
Guide me through the dark,
Be my strength,
Show me,
What do I do?
When the biggest hurt yet
Was the moment I lost you?
To have happiness again,
A life I deserve,
One I was ready, and would have willingly, combined with yours...
And I will, someday, in due time,
I just need you so bad, to be the light,
Guide me home,
Through this darkness I fight.
Forever I'm indebted to you,
You were my Heaven Sent,
For reasons I'll never fully know,
Or pretend to understand,
But I know I am forever blessed,
To have known you....
I'm luckier than most I guess,
To have met the best,
The first one that stumped me with my own "F's".....
You will never leave my heart,
Or stray from my thoughts,
That's how great the impact you caused...
Justin Derecskey,
We created a lifetime of memories
In the short time we spent,
So,
Thank you whoever, whatever, higher power of,
Greater than anyone could imagine,
Or dream of, up above,
I appreciate the time you allowed me to have with this beautiful soul,
This amazing man...
Glad to be deserving,
Of even the slightest chance,
To tell our story over and over again,
Of how we met....
The dramatic start....
The friendship that was beautiful,
But ended right when it began,
But has never left my heart...
I will never forget, or regret one part,
You're my angel, you're my best friend,
And I am a better me,
For having known you,
To have Heaven for a little bit,
And I guess, I still do...
You did it, you had me, I didn't stand a chance,
You pulled me in, a whisper of words you chose to say,
My heart only beats for you...
Never for another will it beat the same...
Your name, the tune that will forever be played,
I will never love another the same,
You are all that I have left,
Of the me that remains....
©shantilly
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Already
Screaming loud,
Already ripping my hair out...
Attack the rage,
Already trapped inside its cage...
Let it out,
Already insane, full of doubt...
Pain, I'm used to,
Already destined for darkness, but now... I'm without you...
In hell, eternal burn,
Already done with this world...
In hell, endless agony,
Already dead inside, no reason to breathe...
Fuck this place, these people, fuck it all,
Already bruised, so what's one more brawl...
Empty, this curse leaves me weak,
Already gone, so please don't wake me,
Let me sleep.
©shantilly
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Towel Dry
I took a shower to make me feel better,
Something to shake this mood before I leave to pick up my daughter,
Her smile makes things right again,
Just need to hear her laughter,
Keeping me grounded, she's my little anchor...
Stepping out of the shower, I feel weak,
Knees buckle beneath me, I take a seat,
The weight from the stressful intensity,
That I carry around with me,
Reluctantly...
This body I see,
A sad excuse of a mother,
Who is she?
When did I take on another persona?
Mentally beaten down,
'What am I doing?'
'I'm better than this!'
I guess,
I allowed the pain to turn into an unhealthy release,
That I started to forget...
And it felt
SO FUCKING GOOD
NOT TO THINK!!
Of everything that I couldn't fix..
As I dry off, "towel dry" the bad thoughts,
I get dressed and take a short glance,
I know who I am about to see isn't me,
it's someone else,
With all that is left,
I have to get that woman I lost back,
Get her back quickly,
Whatever the cost....
I have to try to make something worth it,
Worth going through this nightmare,
That my life has turned into,
I admit,
I self destructed hard after losing you,
But when I tried to reach out to anyone that would listen,
I was tired of getting the same results,
So I did what was working....
And I'm scared for that reason...
I don't want to open up because I don't trust,
And yet here I am, spilling my fucking guts,
Just to get hurt by anyone, it seems,
That sees triumph, glory, victory...
Gained by my vulnerabilities...
Turning from the mirror,
I reach to flick the light off,
And I can't help but wonder,
"What could be the mirror's last thought(s)?":
"Will I remember her when she comes back?"
"Will she remember her soul, remember her face?"
"Will she remember who she used to be?"
Will she be someone else?"
Or
"Will she have become a memory?"
"Or has she already let go?"
"I hope one day she returns to me..."
©shantilly
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Still Waiting
My face has formed into a frown
So to keep you here with me,
You become the words that I write down
I started writing again, not long after you left,
I didn't know how else I would be able to get this shit off my chest,
No matter how many times I think about the moments that we had,
I know that nothing is ever going to bring you back
Happy to have known you,
Your smile, and that personality too....
Before I even knew what hit me
I fell in love fast
I never expected to fall so hard like that
Songs I hear; sometimes they hurt like hell,
And other times I sing so loud and I hope you hear me up there,
I can't believe you aren't here to sing along
And give me 'that look' when a Prince song comes on
Anytime I needed you, no hesitation, you were there
No one ever made me feel like they really cared
You made me feel like I mattered,
The way I should have always felt,
Always making me smile, you made me love myself
My smile isn't so happy these days,
Not after you were ripped away
I'll never forget the last time you spoke my name,
Or seeing you happy, not worrying about a thing
I'm still waiting on you, you know?
And I always will
I'll never let you go
You did something to me
Something I'll never forget
You showed me what having someone like you in my life really meant,
To be shown the true meaning of love, of life happily spent,
No matter if we were lovers or friends
You brought out the best in me
Never knew there was more of me that was hidden,
You did it though, you brought out parts of me forbidden
You changed my mind about love,
About people,
About believing in something,
Something peaceful
To have you back, I would give it all,
I would give up everything if I could have you back,
So I could fall,
Back in love with you all over again
And be right where I was supposed to be,
In the arms of Heaven
©shantilly
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Hold On to the Memories
I remember when I used to smile,
Used to laugh
I used to enjoy little moments like that
It felt great, feeling complete
To feel like I really mattered,
Not so hopeless, so weak
I remember when I had all of my kids under one roof
And we were all HAPPY
Finally
The proof was in the sounds of us laughing
I remember when that smile...
That Memorable Smile...
That drove me wild
Putting me in a state of beautiful surrender
And never longing for another
But now it's all I have
All I Remember....
All that's left
That Smile found my soul
But...
Just as soon as it made a permanent residence,
Suddenly it was gone
So fucking unexpected
Just to have those days back
Where a smile and a laugh was all one had
I'd give almost anything
Just a chance for a moment of that
I can hear the laughter of my children
I can hear the sound of my heart beat repeating
Multiple beats, palpatating,
Happiness....
I want it back
I want it all back
Just like that...
I close my eyes
Clear my head
And I'm not surprised...
Another memory comes back
To remind me
That anytime I may need a sweet release
I can just close my eyes
And hold on to the memories.....
©shantilly
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Just Passing Through
Every time
I want to stop
To go to that spot
Passing through a place
Where
Physically
Mentally
I wouldn't be able to take
I know I wouldn't be able to
It always reminds me that I wasn't there for you
That day
That day I lost you
But I hope you know
That I would give anything to just go
Home...
To you
But for now
I'm just passing through
©shantilly
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