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A Moment's Weakness
I looked in the mirror
Guess what I seen
Most expect good looks
The person they want to be
Or the person by popular opinion
In my mirror
I saw the monsters within
That fights desperately for control
Surrounded by darkness
The voices of death
That says give in
Give in to the hurt
The pain that weighs on you
The fatigue from pushing thus this far
Give in and I can make it better
The relief will overwhelm
The calmness will beset you
I looked in the mirror
Guess what I seen
I saw a person
Who given in to the opinions
The charismatic thoughts of others
The negativity
The darkness
Wasn't around him
No this time
He was the darkness
A person can only hold but so much
Accept I'm sorry
But so many times
Before recognizing the feeling
I need to fight back
The frustration of giving so much
Yet never recieving
Working without a reward
Something so easily found in my darkness
Here I found happiness
I haven't felt in a long time
My anger that was over storage
Gone
Yet when I look in the mirror
I realize
I lost
This war within my being
Was to keep darkness from entering
The battles against the words give in
That's meant to be fought day to day
Now when I see myself
I see my failure
A reminder that instead of fighting
Keeping my light alive
I blew it out
For what was simple
In the moment
A moment's weakness
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Loss
Loss is never easy
It's the road
You walk alone
In the dead of night
Nothing moves
No one speaks
The world ended
Shattered
Before my eyes
No possible way
To pick up the pieces
My world ended
I can't speak
Begin to understand
Comprehend the aspects of my situation
Please leave me alone
I don't want to be close
Everyone that gets close
Leaves me
I'm tired of pain
Tired of emotions
I wake up to the heartbreak
Every morning
Experience the same hurt
Everyday
Nothing is new
The same sunrise
Same sunset
The same fear at night
The dead silence
When nothing moves
No one speaks
A never lasting cycle
No greater pain
Bigger hurt
When you can't remember
You forget
Their looks
Their voice
Their laugh
I can't remember
The fear
That everyday
She slips away
That one day
She'll be gone
Forever
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Survived
One of the best times
The best experiences
Are those
That left an impact
Made an impression
Something you will remember
A scar
A lesson
A dream
Let the pain flow
Hurt grow
It's the only way we learn
Remember
The dark road
Fear building
Not knowing what's out there
What's awaiting you
Hear the movement around you
Moving closer
Waiting to strike
Stop you
By any means necessary
See the scars
Keepsakes
From the roads I traveled
The nights
Spent crying
Spent hurting
Bleeding
Don't say anything
No one will hear
Don't show it
No one will care
The darkest times
Is what makes you
It may break you
But in the end
Once it's over
The sun will shine
Over the mountain top
In the peace
Of the morning
Where the hurt
The pain
Washes away
And the experience
Builds who you are
What didn't break you
What you been through
Made you better
And your scars
Tell a story
The hell
That you walked through
The dark times
That you lived through
That you're still here
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Feelings
Sometimes
You feel this way,
About someone
Like butterflies everytime
You see them
This chill up your spine
And you don't know what to say
This feeling
That takes so much to admit
Then tradgedy hits
A storm unknown
Powerful
A storm that's skilled
In the art of driving you apart
So no matter what you do
What you try
Distance
Begins to set in
It last of days
Weeks
Months
Separated
Attempting to reach each other
But it feels impossible
Seems unachievable
Change doesn't come
But you keep fighting
Keep moving
Remembering
What
Who
You're fighting for
That they're worth it
Worth hurting for
Worth staying for
And the hope
That dwindled to a dream
Changes to reality
No matter the challenge
The trial
Tribulation
The storm
No matter what I face
You're always worth it
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Hope
I realize I have problems
I know I'm not perfect
I make mistakes
Wrong decisions
Yet they believe that I am
My problems
Left me rigorously searching
High and low
For solutions
The aspects of my desires
Ultimately deemed as unattainable
My mistakes lead me down a dark road
Twisted
Deep
The times I wished
The hurt, pain
Would end
That my feelings
Emotions
Was non-existent
So whatever I do
Whatsoever
It wouldn't be orchestrated
My thoughts
That would have me believe
Intimacy and love
Does in fact exsist
Only no one loves you
As if I live in a haven
Shielded by negativity and hate
A stranger to love
Inexperienced to the warmth
The feeling
Security
Desires deemed unattainable
But if only for a minute
Just a second
There was a world
Where my thoughts
Wasn't my enemy
Where everything
Went according to plan
Happened the way I wished
An escape
To a better world
The figments
Developed and produced
Stirctly for imagination
Perhaps hopes
Have you been there
The place
The realization
Where being transparent
Was more important than holding a mirror
A picture of a better you
Mimicking someone
Who isn't you
So no one will see the flaws
No one will analysize your wounds
The admoralities of your pain
Of your journey
So no one will see the real you
Someone who's locked away
Only to be seen when you're alone
Only nourished in a safe environment
Where judgement is non-existent
The secret garden where everyone is accepted
I've been rejected too much
Seen too much hurt
From jokes that turned to bullets
Laughs that turned to stones
And tears that flooded
The horror of the aftermath
To do the unthinkable
Allow others to see my scars
To put down the image
That makes people believe the lies
I'm okay
I'm good
I feel fine
And inside
I'm struggling to survive
To admit the hidden truth
Something I tried to keep inside
The fact that I'm broken
Shattered in pieces
Living in the wake of my ruins
The statues of inspiration
Hopes
Aspirations
That lay in pieces
Yearning for restoration
That no one hears
And no one sees
No one cares
That the expectations and pressures
Crushes what's left
As I struggle to rebuild
1 brick laid
Another crumbles
1 step forward
5 steps back
One of the hardest
Painful times in life
Is when you're broken
When you're lost
Struggling to find the stability
You once possessed
To put yourself back together again
And begin to heal
Yet the world doesn't stop spinning
Because we don't like the rotation
These times won't last forever
One morning
We'll reach the mountain top
And watch the sun shine on a new day
The day I am no longer...
Broken
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Fortress
You asked me to share
Open up
Reveal the aspects of my heart
My scars
My wounds
It's not something to be ashamed of
Your scars
Tell the story
The truth of who you are
You asked me to share
Build a bridge
To the fortress around my heart
Understand
My heart is delicate
For too long
It's been discarded
Abandoned
Stabbed
Bruised
A bleeding heart
No one cares for
You think someone will see
Someone will hear
The attacks
Battles being waged on my heart
Be a witness to the hinest crimes
But no one hears
No one sees
No one cares
So when asked to step forward
Lend the helping hand
Testify
To better the interworking of humanity
So someone can believe it exsist
You're nowhere to be found
Too many expectations
Hopes
That were never met
Disappointment is a shadow
The beginning of a darkness
That if allowed to progress
Turns to a different kind of evil
It's impossible to fight
Prevent
As if a plague spreading through the land
Not even a fortress can stop
You asked me to open up
Share my scars
Each a story of heart break
Each a reason for my fortress
A wall built
For every tear
Every pain
Every attack
Caused by the damage on my heart
The aftermath
Of friends
Family
Associates
Who thought words were meaningless
Lies had the purpose of protection
Yet whenever they messed up
Fired into a crowd of hope
Protesting for a better day
Praying for a little change
They shot my heart
You asked me to share
Open up
If I do
You'll see a heart on his deathbed
Tired of fighting
Living a life
Hoping
He survives the day
That no one will attack
Knowing all too well
It's inevitable
A fortress protects my heart
Keeps fear
Pain
Sorrow away....
But also love
What's life
If you travel believing no one will love you
Because every bridge
Ended in tragedy
No one will take the time
See your wounds
That turned a palace
Into a fortress
So you're left alone
Abandoned
A witness to others interaction with love
Something never to knock on the door
But sneak in
Appear from nowhere
A pleasure
That doesn't happen behind a fortress
I built walls to protect my heart
But sometimes
We build too many walls
And not enough bridges
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Truth from the Heart
The past
This delightful flagrance
That turns to poisonous gas
I regretted this moment
I never wanted to do this
Deal with this notion
The fact that you're gone
But were you ever here
Truly
I learned to laugh
Smile
While I walked through hell
I guess you gave me practice
Unfulfilled promises
Dreams
Never becoming reality
Is this who I'm destine to be
No matter what I do
What I say
Promises
I can never deliver
I remember
Looking up to you
Admiring you
I wanted to be you
But the day
I realized
That isn't a life
Living dream to dream
Idea to idea
Project to project
I realized...
I never want to be you
I can't
I don't need money
The best gifts
Things I think I want
What about sitting with you
Just for an hour
Can I hug you
Shake your hand
Actually talk
Time is precious
Can't be replaced with materials
I tried
I was there
But I need to be better
That's not the man you want
The man you can be proud of
Things don't have to be perfect
But a surprise visit
Isn't too much to ask
I wish it didn't come to this
Separated by distance
Circumstance
Now....
We're too different
The past
You can't separate
The good from the bad
I'm suppose to hate you
Not love you
Fight for you
Now I don't know what to do
I lost
Abandoned
By someone I never thought
Considered
I regretted this moment
Never wanted to do this
Can't paint this picture
This hurt
Open my heart
See for yourself
Everything hidden
Authenticity so rare
The stories
I'm incapable to share
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Broken Cry
Question
Have you ever
Been in this position
Being pushed
To the extreme
The mind and the heart
Clashing
Pain in every fiber
Traveling through every vein
Of your being
Then one circumstance
One altercation
One person
Breaks it all
Pass the breaking point
Broken
No way
To come together
No Humpty Dumpty story
Left with my heart bleeding
My mind racing
How
Why
I don't wanna talk
Please
Don't make me
Because I can't
The pain
Hurt
Overwhelms my thought process
I don't understand
How I ended up here
Falling
Everything around me
Getting darker
As I fall further
A place for the broken toys
Simply to be forgotten
Unable to be fixed
Overcome by feelings
Emotions
Indescribable
All threaten
To destroy you
If not the bleeding heart
Then my emotions
That joined together
To end anything in it's path
No way out
Nothing
No one
Can help
Save me
From myself
This shell
That smiles
As if I'm not dying
Slowly
Bleeding out
Enemies preparing for attack
No one can help
If no one knows
Sees the heartbreak
Pieces from my humanity
Slipping a way
I tried
I fought
But I lost
I broke
I can't help you
If I'm not together
Myself
My cry for help
That no one hears
A sign
No one sees
My heart
No one notice
Bleeding
I'm broken
Yet no one knows
No one helps
Have you been there
Broken Cry
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Escape
There's a place
I picture in my mind
Paint onto the walls
Of my subconscious
Somewhere to go
When it's too hard
When it doesn't make sense
A peaceful house
On the country-side
Near a stream
A beautiful place
Untouched
With the complexity
Of the world
People
Greed
Hatred
That thrive in the world
A place
Where I can be free
Just for a day
Before the sun sets
And darkness comes
To swallow what's left
To drag me
To face my demons
The darkest parts of me
To take over
No more peace
No more joy
Just a pit
Filled with pain
Gathered for weeks
Sorrow that's ripe
Anger that's plump
Fruit of dispear
Yet irresistible
Leaves you running through doors
Room to room
Place to place
Realm to realm
How do I get back
To peace
My house
That provided safety
Yet feels like a dream
Figment of the imagination
To numb the pain of my realization
No matter the effort
The sweat
Tears
Blood
I will always be alone
No one can take the dispear
The affliction
Anger
Built up
Within the essence of my being
Waiting for their victim
Only I survive
Only barely
There's a place
Built from the aftermath of my anger
Founded in the depth of my sorrow
Protected with the shield from my affliction
Untouched
By the darkness
Painted on the walls of my subconscious
To represent the declaration
That the most beautiful
Peaceful substances in life
Is born of darkness
And is indestructible
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Good bye
To whom it may concern:
If you read this
If you care
This is good bye
Sometimes in life
The pain is too much
The trials and tribulations
Build up
The heart is a delicate vessel
If it fills
Becomes over capacitated
With no drainage
No outlet
No one empties it
The sorrow
The lake of regret
Filled with heartbreak
Polluted with aspects of my well-being
That fell
As I fought for my humanity
The essence of my soul
Trying to be...
A better person
Someone you can
See as worthy
Good
Someone....
You can love
Erase the sin
Paint over the darkness
Put the skeletons in the closet
Burn any fear
Uncertainty and insecurity
Everything must be perfect
For the one I love
Only
You didn't see that
The effort I put in
To hide my ugly parts
Things I never wanted you to experience
You saw through the act
Exposed all of it
And said it's okay
You don't have to hide
These scars
Show the lessons that made you
Not the battles you lost
The multiple wounds
You suffered
It shows what
Makes you beautiful
Now....
I'm fighting with fire
The abundance of feelings
Morals
Obligations
That turns me into a powder keg
Too close to a spark
Deadly
I can't hurt you
Or burn the bridge
That keeps us together
Connected
I love you
More than you know
Or possibly understand
To whom it may concern:
If you read this
If you care
This is good bye
Sometimes in life
You have to leave
To protect the ones
You care about
The ones
You love
But....
This isn't forever
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Masks
You look at me
See what's expected
A smile
Smirk
Joyful eyes
Meaningful words
A mask
You see me
And assume I'm emotionless
Have the audacity to assume
I don't care
Because I wear a mask
Something that's meant
To hide...
Hide the affliction
Of my thoughts
That turn to revolutionists
Turn to protesters
And chant this is your fault
Why didn't you do better
Why weren't you brave enough
... You're nothing
My mask
Hides the scars
Of a lifetime of tribulations
Pain
Bruises from the amount of times
I've been hit
With the aspects of my own subconscious
The side of myself
That hates me
For not reaching for the stars
For not turning his dreams
To reality
This mask
Hides the tribulation
I face before I even see you
Because if I shown
The severity of my pain
Expressed how much this hurts
Painted a portrait
Even spelled it out...
You wouldn't care
No one ever cares
So I'm subjected to a mask
Something that hides
The battle inside
The monster
Within
A mask
That shows the best of me....
So you won't see the worst of me
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Love Story
There's a story
Of a person
Who couldn't find love
He looked everywhere
Did things
He's ashamed of
Rather not say
The methods he took
The roads he traveled
To fill this hole in his heart
Nothing worked
No matter how desperate he was
When sexual desires failed
Woman that fulfill fantasies
Failed
When friends failed
When family failed
He felt so empty
So alone
Nobody loved him
No one at all
He was a good person
Went to church
Prayed
Wanted to do the right thing
But nothing filled this hole
A heart that's been broken
Stomped on
Bruised
Crushed before his eyes
Yet when the pieces were put together
One piece
Tiny
Fragile
Irreplaceable
Can't be replicated
Lost...
Forever
Never to be found
But the hope
That there's someone
Who can help
See the pain
Frustration
From fighting within
Waging a war
To save himself
That seems unending
Someone
Who can give him their heart
Even though he only has his broken heart
Put together again and again
To offer
Someone that can love him
As he would love them
And a hole that seemed
Unable to close
A wound
Unable to heal
Slowly begins to fill, to heal
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Heartbreak
Do you remember
That one fateful day
The time we first spoke
Not in greeting
Or passing
Really spoke
Even then I truly believed
You were one of a kind
No one would have the audacity
The gall
To speak to me like that
But you did
The first time
We really talked
I remember thinking
Man I like this girl
Yet somewhere along the way
Our hard road
Filled with pot holes
Cracks
Bumps
Barriers
Somewhere along the way
I like you
Turned to...
I love you
Now we're here
Where I'm so conflicted
You loved someone else
Someone you can't let go
Someone who hurts you
Breaks your heart
Kill the essence of a queen
Inside you
As a virus
Attacking the immume system
Till nothing left
I hate it
Seeing you like this
Hurting
Bleeding
Yet it's something I must endure
No matter how much
Pain grips my soul
The woman I love
Afflicted at the hands
Of someone she loved
Tears that flow
As the abundance of of her pain
Her heartbreak
That fills the streets
Taking us with it
A cycle of torment
That seems unending
Unyielding
I wish I could say something
Anything
That can fix this
End this
But there's nothing
Nothing I can say
Nothing I can do
And frankly
I hate it
How did we get here
One battle
After the next
Always something to fight
But this is deep
And frankly
I don't know
If we can make it
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Letters of Healing
Dear loved ones
As you read this
Understand that
I'm not in a good place
Doubt is a dangerous thing
That makes you question
Who you are
The people in your life
Are they for you
Or against you
Do they love you
Or hate you
Aim to despitefully use you
Or be there for you
Doubt
That leads to fear and pain
Dear friends
Please understand that
I'm in pain
Just shy of unbearable
I'm struggling to recover
They say admitting it
Is the first step
Admitting that....
I lost
I fell
I was defeated
So many times
Round after round
I lost everything.....
I lost......
Everyone
Dear family
It's imperative
You understand
There isn't a synonym
Simile
Metaphor
Word
Sentence
Paragraph
That can describe
The pain that tormented
Mentally
Physically
Spiritually
The horrible thoughts
That entertained my subconscious
And said
This isn't up for discussion
The dreams
That had intercourse
With my greatest fears
That fed my actions
Produced pain as an offspring
Dear Lord
Understand
There isn't a word
That can describe
That can fix
My broken spirit
That'll heal
My broken heart
Comprehend
It's a long
Hard
Road
To travel
But slowly, but surely
I'm healing
And coming back to myself
Stronger
Wiser
Better
Dear future me
Understand
I am no longer
Broken
Letters of healing
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Fear of the Cycle
How does it work
The spark
The charm
One conversation
How does it happen
I'm overthinking
Making a mountain
Out of a mole hill
Only thing is
How can it be a mole hill
When it's something I fear
Something I doubt
Will you think of me different
I fear....
You already have
What if I said the wrong thing
I offend
Rather than encourage
Again....
I fear I already have
What if I messed up
I pushed her away
In what I say, what I do
Again I fear.....
I already have
How do I know
Believe
That this is different
It's not the same situation
The same cycle
....It has to be
She's a different person
A different friend
But I fear....
I fear I lost her
Because of my doubt
Because of my fear
It's okay to be intimidated
We all are, at some point
Only thing is you have a choice
A choice that decides
Are you successful....
Or are you a failure
A choice between
Allowing your fear to control you
Or rise above it
And not let it stop you
Everyone has doubts
Fears
It makes you human
But you can't
Not for a second
Allow it to control you
Fear of the cycle
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Complicated Feelings
What can I say
I love you
I don't wanna lose you
It's another day
Another time I can see you
But I can't speak
I can't say what I want
I'm embarrassed
Not of you
The moment
I never been here
Where someone cares
They care like you
It's....
Scary to me
I'm not like you
Strong
Independent
Loving
I'm not....
I'm not like you
You hold me down
And the reason why this hurts
This pain
Just shy of unbearable
Is because.....
I love you
So much
And you don't know it
Because I haven't shown it
You make me smile
My soul feel lighter
The pain
Disappears
Because then I know
In that moment
That we're in this together
And then I believe
That we'll get through
We'll get through this together
I love you
You just don't know.....
How much
Complicated feelings
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Too Late
If you see this
If you get this
I don't know where I'm going
But I can't stay
I've lost too much
In every waking day
It's too much to take
The bondage of my responsibility
My insecurity
The fact....
Nothing changes
My heart
The statue of my downfall
Bridge to desires
Love
Joy
Peace
Things inachievable here
If you read this
I don't know where I'm going
But I can't stay
I lost too much
And I'm gone
2
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Imagine
Imagine
Paint the picture of this feeling
Everything perfect
Once upon a time
Then it falls apart
Good times
To the bad
Then the ugly
Something that almost breaks....
The most precious
Cherished
Possession
Your relationship
That came to the last straw
That broke down
To the last thread
That could've ended it all
No chances of survival
They say that....
Time heals all wounds
Give it time
It'll get better
Don't worry
This right here
In situations like this
It'll either make you
Or break you
Give it time
But imagine
Paint the picture of months
Seeing her
Watching time past
Hearing her laughter
Joy
Then knowing it's not because of you
Stroke the pain
The flashes of darkness
That seems to overwhelm
When she acknowledges you
And you don't know what to say
The hardest
Painful days of your life
Imagine
Paint the picture of better days
The pain begin to dull
It's easier to face her
And not feel
The twisting of the thorn in your side
Not feeling the need to act
Put on the show
Of the picture
I'm okay
Starring me
No need for dress rehearsal
In the mornings
Preparing for the inevitable
Confrontation
Then it being washed away
Painted over
For the better portait
Imagine
Paint the picture
Being so down
Alone
Nobody there
Especially to say
It's okay
Don't worry
It'll get better
Then believing
Trusting
Constantly saying to yourself
That if anyone....
But her
Say those things
I won't believe them
I won't believe the words
Of necessary encouragement
Because it's not her
It's not her voice
Her genuine concern
Imagine
Being in such a position
When you need someone
So much
But know it's impossible
Until the wall comes down
Ending your cold war
Then what was simply a wish
Simply a dream
Have the power to become reality
Imagine
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Wages of War
Never saw it coming
The pain that sting a lifetime
Torment that never ends
But increases as time passes
A broken heart
That never heals
You've been abandoned
Time after time
Father
Friends
Loved ones
No one ever stays
Those that did
Trapped and destroyed what little you had left
Alone
Discarded
No one wants a person that's.....
Broken
Spiritually
Emotionally
Physically stressed
I tried to be the ideal person
Smile
Laugh
Help
The strain to simply hold it together
When it's as if I'm dying to do so
Every smile
Runs 20 miles
Every laugh
Suffocates
To pretend as if I'm okay
When World War 1 and 2 rages inside
Don't pretend to understand
To help, assist
There's nothing you can possibly do
The expression of this pain
Shows the severity of my damage
Anxiety and affliction
That conquered the elements of my humanity
Confidence
Love
Joy
Peace
And proclaimed them prisoners of war
A war for the essence of my being
A war I cannot win
I've lost too much
Sacrificed so much
Yet nothing works
How do one end the cycle of affliction
Something that kills you from the inside
3
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