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DAY 1825
My old friends from school ask me where the talkitive, extroverted and bubbly girl went. Honestly, I don't know it myself. I don't know at which part of the road I ended up replacing her. My new friends wonder why I'm so reserved. The people around me that once criticised me for talking too much, now question my silence. Some thinking I'm just an attention seeker, others thinking I'm a depressed teenager.
But when they ask me why I changed, I don't have a reason. Maybe it was those little things in life that changed me. Being used in the name of friendship, confused in the name of beauty and abused by the norms of society.
I was always changing, you just didn't notice. Everybody is changing but we never notice until the change in their wave hits us.
I try to trace back the steps I took but nothing seems unusual, it just happened. A slow but painful process filled with sleepless nights, confused tears and overthinking. But here I am , keeping boundaries for myself , not letting every person I meet in, being a little selfish and not blindly trusting anyone. They say I'm being rude to them but I'm just being polite to my body and soul.
I'm still changing and who knows who I will become in the next five years? There are only three things that make out lives different,
1. The options we are given
2. The option we choose
3. The way we live the option we choose.
And we do this everything, because even living is a choice.
14
5
449
Curse of Reflection
Me and my reflection were best friends. It all began when I was five. I was taught that your reflection copies what you. Not mine. When I said "Hi" , she said "Hello". When I waved, she smiled. I ran across the room, excitement overflowing from my eyes, as I grabbed my mother's finger with my tiny hand and dragged her towards the mirror to show the magic. But it only resulted in her patting my head and laughing. The minute my presence became the only one in the room, she told me to come close to the mirror and whispered in my ear,
"KEEP THIS SECRET BETWEEN US "
My heart jumped with excitement , because I have a secret and a best friend.
We grew up together. We shared jokes and pains. People thought I was either weird for staring at my reflection or utterly obsessed with myself. But I didn't care because I have a blessing. Until things started to change.
Until one day, she casually told me that I was lucky since I could walk outside and meet people while she was stuck as a reflection. I brushed it off by assuring her that I will always be with her. I believed she was here just to be my friend, that she revolved under my control because she is my reflection. And before I knew it, I became the centre of attention. I tuned into a cunning person snatching fame, my urge to become the prettiest and best kept growing. It got to the point that I would do anything to get it.
Until one day, on my 18th birthday, she told me to come close. I moved close and within a flick of second , I was inside the mirror and she was out. I kept banging on the glass while she kept staring into my soul and I realized that I became the reflection. The smile on her face was not the one I had seen before. I realized I didn't notice the birth of jealousy and ego in her. I didn't notice the disturbance in her voice and whispers. I didn't realize I was being the puppet.
"Why now? Why not before?" I screamed, my voice dripping with the pain of betrayal.
"Oh dear, I didn't want to do all the hard work. You did a great job. Thank you."
"Traitor, you liar!" I screamed again.
But she only laughed and said,
"Isn't this what you want? I helped you be famous but you yourself let me control you. You handed the power to me sweetheart. You became a slave of your own mind."
She was right, it was my fault all along. I helplessly watched her walk away with my life and my future. I let the tears roll down my face until my vision was taken over by black clouds.
I woke up in a body that is not mine. I suddenly turned into a little girl with soft hair and chubby cheeks and I touched them. I looked outside the glass and saw myself in a completely different place. The door opened and a little girl walked in. She saw me in the mirror and gasped. I realized she had black hair, chubby cheeks, red frock and blue hat like me. I was her reflection.
That's when it struck me. I am given a chance to escape. This is an opportunity I can't let go to waste. I called her close and whispered,
"KEEP THIS SECRET BETWEEN US."
I saw her eyes twinkling with the same excitement as I had. All I had to do was wait and hope she is weak and will let me control her. And she will soon realize the her first betrayal will be from herself.
16
18
394
Depression
I see tweets and posts of people saying,"Talk to me if you are depressed."
But when I acutally do they say I'm a teen who's bipolar obsessed.
They say I just want attention and it'll be in vain
Then ironically they ask why I always hide my pain
My thoughts are the slow poison that feeds my heart,
Killed my ability to speak so I just express through my art.
The silence becomes a danger when the demons make the entrance,
Circling and whispering till I loose all my awareness.
They ask me what's wrong and say they wanna help,
I just feel so empty, I don't know myself.
It's easier to fake it than tell the whole story,
We become lovers of our masks till it's too expensive to bury.
But there are people that want to help, people who don't just feel sorry
And you'll find them so there is no need to worry.
Fight back with like a warrior that the demons can't stand your decision,
Because sweetheart you are not depressed, you are battling depression
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15
482
Helping hand
Hey you, yeah I know it's hard
You want to take your life and just tear it apart
You feel worthless , anxious and lost
You just want a reason to smile no matter what the cost
Hey you, yeah I know you don't want to talk
You don't know why you're sad but you feel empty all along
I know you gave your best but nothing is in place
And right now in this emptiness, you just want your space
Hey you, I know you have thoughts about leaving this Earth
But don't you ever forget the reason for your birth
Those challenges weren't hurled at you for you to fall
But instead to get back up and stand tall
I know I am a stranger but I really do care
Because everyone of these phase, yes I've been there
Ain't nobody there to help, I pulled myself up
So now I'll be to you what years back I dreamt of.
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Look in the mirror and smile, thank God for another life. You are beautiful because you are alive. You are worth it because you still strive.
I am a stranger, but strangers are friends we haven't met yet
15
11
524
Ashes and Sirens
I'm really tired, I'm a little depressed
I know I should keep working
But I'm a little upset
I got no shoulder to lean on and cry my feelings out
Feeling empty all night as I'm devoured by these doubt
My mind is going blank and it's confusing like hell
And when they ask me what is wrong, I don't even know what to tell
There is a point where I go weak, a point where I fall down
A point when I can no longer keep carrying the crown
I need a heart to lift me, I need a hand to hold me
But all I see is ashes and hear sirens of the sea
How do I explain the pain when I don't even know what caused it?
How do I explain the overflowing sea when I don't know where the bullets hit?
It feels like time stopped and I'm here gathering memories
Of places I had been and places that I wanna be
Nothing is right but not everything is wrong
You see my empty feels so empty, so I'll just send this song
17
19
553
Suicide Lettter
Mama told me I was good enough
She never knew I always had it rough
Daddy told me I would be okay
But how do I tell him it's not just today
And I swear I tried, Mama
To always look at the bright side
And I swear I tried, Daddy
To face my fears and not hide
But these scars they weigh me down and everyday they give me more
My feelings have gone numb and my heart has gone sore
There are days when I wished that this could just end
Waking up in the morning and just to play the game pretend
Walking down this road,looking at my fake friends
And all the people beside me disappearing by the end
Got a phone in my hand with zero contact
Doesn't matter cause everything in my life is am act
Yes I'm bruised ,Yes I'm confused
Tell me why do I feel so abused?
Even though I'm the one bleeding, in the end I'm accused
Knock myself out every night with the tears that I avoid
Bottle up all these feelings until I get so paranoid
Dear reader, this is my suicide letter
I've had enough of all these dramas, I wanna become better
So tonight I'm gonna end it, I'm gonna kill myself
And tomorrow I'll wake up stronger and I won't beg for any help
I will kill my insecurities, I will rip apart my sleeves
I will show them all my scars and I'll let them challenge me
So if you're like me and if you feel hopeless inside
The enemies hands is not a good place to die
Write down your letter but make sure to wake up later
Cause you've got to prove yourself to the haters
#TSA2020
16
13
496
From Angel to Devil
Why? Why do you keep pretending so much?
Stab me and slap me then ask me why I'm bleeding
Every time you talk to me, the trees start to rustle
The waves in the ocean starts to collide
It's like nature is warning me for the bullets you are about to spill
There is only poison flowing through your veins every time you try to touch me
You say that you are a friend,
But when you hug me I can feel the cold metal bruising my wings
And then you tell me you will stitch it up, only to rip it apart
And then you began to spill the tears
Claiming to be the victim
Stories of how this devil manipulated you even when you tried to help
Isn't that what you want me to be? A devil?
And so I did, and I came back
With no wings, just a smile and a strong back
I thought you would be happy but then
Why did the evil smile in your eyes suddenly turn into fear?
I guess you realized my eyes became a reflection of yours
You thought you had it all, flying high above the clouds
I could see you fly but did you have any idea what I was up to on the ground?
They say," You reap what you sow"
And now you are hiding in your own shadows
Because even though I am the devil that is hated
You know that you're the one that created.
16
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553
STRANGER
I felt so weak, I didn't feel like getting up
Though I try to swim harder the waves only get rough
It's gotten to a point where my heart stopped to bleed
And the emotions in my head feels like a dead seed
And I'm crying and I'm praying, hoping someone will see
Beyond the smile, into my heart where I hold these memories
The people beside me don't even see my pain
They think the reason I write is only for public gain
So I pulled myself in and shut all the doors
And I lay curled up with a paper on the floor
Then somebody told me that I should keep on writing
I know it sounds simply but those words in me were dying
Such a simple statement I have been waiting to hear
All I needed was a little support to overcome my fear
So I pushed myself back ready to face all the danger
And when they ask me I say
"I was motivated my a stranger"
#TSA2020
*********************
Dedicated to poet_unknown_1912
For her beautiful messages and motivation that changed my day from being horrible to the best.
Thank you
17
10
557
INNOCENCE
A little girl of five with a dream in her eyes
Flying with the roller blades on her with a smile
Until the doctors said that she gotta take rest
Wear the plaster on her leg until the money invest
And mama looked at her with tears in her eyes
And said,"Baby girl you're strong, just wait for sometime"
And no it wasn't easy, it was really complicated
And as the years passed she felt more suffocated
So took out her pen and began to bleed her emotions
Surfing through the paper like waves in the ocean
But they tore her papers and said she's not worth it
With a leg like that she will never fit in
But no, she kept on writing
And yes she kept on fighting
Even when they slapped her she said that I'm not dying
And after four years she got her surgery
And it felt like a bird finally being left free
And yes she came back and now she is seventeen
Now they cover themselves up to make sure they ain't seen
They scars they gifted her turned into art
They had no idea what she's been upto from the start
No she is not strong, she is just like you
She just didn't give up and you can do that too
They thought they knew all about her decisions
But they didn't know what hid under her innocence
#TSA2020
14
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478
GAME OF PRETEND
Putting my pieces back together
Seeing myself in every shattered mirror
All the colours have become messed up in my head
The white light is fading and I can see red
The alarm is sounding and the siren is screaming
Don't know if I am dead or if I am dreaming
I am running out of air like I am breathing underwater
These thoughts are suffocating and these chains are getting harder
As the clock strikes 12, everyone is fast asleep
But I'm still awake and my cuts are getting deep
I know that I'm lost but I don't know where
It's not like anyone is searching or if anyone cares
But it's ok, I'm fine, I can smile on the outside
No one needs to know the things that I hide
I can see red lights and feel the distant stares
Yes it's hard but I pretend like I don't care
I can be your enemy or a good friend
In the end I'm just playing a game of pretend.
#TSA2020
15
13
415
BLOOD IN THE SEA
The night was silent and streets were lonely
Everyone's in bed, embracing the darkness slowly
Then came a noise that sounded like a cry
Silent wailing like a desperate child's lullaby
They woke to the noise but they didn't know why
It sounded familiar, like their dead child's cry
It didn't make sense but they felt a missing piece
And the silent night weeped like the rustle of the tree
They saw the little girl who they thought they killed before
Who should be resting under sea far across the shore
Maybe it's an illusion, a feeling of regret
Or maybe she came back to voice her threat
Her eyes lighted up like a thousand burning flames
As she kept walking in th dark, whispering the names
“Tell me my crime, why was I punished?”
“Why didn't I be the daughter you should have cherished?”
They started to wish they rejected the society
Now their whole life will be filled with anxiety
Haunted by nightmares with nowhere to flee
Cause they are responsible for the new blood in the sea
#TSA2020
17
15
454
PSYCHOTIC
You call me crazy, you call me insane
You think only tears show that you are in pain
I laugh when I fall, I smile when I bleed
No message I see, no advice I need
You get a stab, you fall on your knees
Then from your eyes comes an overflowing sea
You paint the story with many colors
A beautiful paradise for friends and lovers
I'm the true face, steps of honest I make
You call me insane cause I'm proving you are fake
You paint your face and they call you pretty,
You wipe off the paint and call yourself ugly
You have no opinion, you
listen to others voice
But I sail my own ship and that's why choice.
There are things you don't see and secrets I know
I unveil the shadow but you call me a psycho.
16
4
469
Role of Phoenix
You said I was a failiur, not good enough
You said life for me is just too tough
You said it's not my fault for being born that way
Making mistakes and failing everyday
Guess what? I don't remember asking for your advice
Cause everything you say are just a pack of lies
Congratulations! You are among my new motivators
On the top list of: to prove to the haters
I may look like the rose fragile and easy to crush
But I also have thorns to make you bleed with a touch
I have got poison in my veins but my eyes burn with flames
A little warning I never forget names
You talk a lot tell me what's your victory?
Does shooting me down awaken you name in history?
You'll still be talking while I will be busy making cash
Cause I play the role of Phoenix that rise from ash
18
8
1068
Silenced Voice
Roses are red, violets are dead
Too many questions cramped in my head
I'm starting to lose my breath but by bit
The breath of life that people claim to be a gift
Walking on thorns, knives on my back
Yeah, there are many strength and talent that I lack
I feel so lonely when I'm in a crowd
The silence within me is screaming out loud
Yes I tried but it all went in vain
But after crying I make sure I don't cry for it again
Underneath this perfection I'm awfully broken
With words in my heart that's left unspoken
Living in this world, we really don't have a choice
Cause deep within me is a child with silenced voice
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Who Am I?
Dreams are slowly turning into nightmares
Nothing in my way expect the cold stares
Times changing, memories are fading
Heart engulfed in darkness, less love and more hating
Millions of thoughts running through my head
People everywhere but I only see their silhouette
Silence has become my latest obsession
I am flawed underneath this perfection
I'm screaming at the devils on my shoulder
Faded vision of memories I can't even remember
My life has become nothing but a mere echo
I turned into nothing by disappearing shadow
I stood in front of the mirror, staring into my eyes
As I questioned myself silently,
"Who Am I?"
24
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Behind The Screen
Judging others by what they look like on a screen
Their colourful lives inside lowering our self esteem
But their lives are like the roses painted red
For underneath the paint, the rose is actually dead
Waiting for like to pop up on our screen
For the pic that we filtered to hid the flaws in between
Scars hidden, smiles widen as the flash appears
Have a million friends, but when you need they disappear
25
9
879
After the Fall
I stood frozen seeing my dreams and hopes shatter
In the end, all that I worked for didn't really matter
I watched the sunset, painting the sky shades of red
As I fell down with the bruises and tears that I shed
But even though the sun lost its battle to night
It rises back the very next day showering its light
Cause what matters is your attitude after the fall
Whether you rise back up or hide behind the wall
So I decided to take a leap though i couldn't fly
My passion burning brighter everytime I stand to try
I picked up the broken pieces of my dream silently
But this time, I am gonna arrange it differently
It doesn't matter how you get there, whether you fly or crawl
All that matters is how you rise back up after the fall
16
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688
Honest Liar
They asked me if I was okay, I told them I was alright
I smiled all day but cried myself to sleep at night
My perfect personality was always admired
But they didn't know that my heart was tired
Trusts and betrayals, hellos and goodbyes
A pinch of smile and happiness and a lot of pretty lies
I'm living like I am afraid of my own shadow
The only voice I can hear is my own echo
But I was not born a player so I can't play the game
The fire in me has turned into frozen flame
I kept walking through the ash on my own
"I'll be there", they said before leaving me all alone
My fragile heart of glass turned into steel
I have started turning numb to all the pain that I feel
There is always someone trying to extinguish my fire
At the end of the day, I'm just a very honest liar
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1059
In love with Fire
The darkness crept in as her sight blurred out
And her vision started to fill with voices and sounds
She found herself standing in a picture she had captured
When her eyes were the camera during the day of disaster
The red river overflowed with the color of an art
And it mixed with the salty rain that fell from people's heart
During the darkest hour of the night
The city was illuminated with light
The brightness consumed everything in its way
As the night got confused to suddenly become day
She stood in the chaos watching the ash go higher
Though it took everything away, she fell in love with fire
People asked her how she survived when others died
She said fire doesn't kill one of it own kind
13
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503
Broken pieces
We are all writers of our story
Some with pain and some with glory
Some write past, their sad history
While some use their pens to gain their victory
You and I are the same
When it comes to being in human race
And we both play the game
The difference is what we have to face
They don't know who I was before
That don't know how I swam across the shore
I will wait till the pain eases
As I put back all my broken pieces
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Crown
When they say you're weak, show them that you're strong
Don't just tell it to them, prove them that they're wrong
If a storm comes by, don't let it destroy you
In the end you yourself can be a storm too
You can rule a kingdom, you can play with fire
You can be the warrior, you can fly higher
Turn your tears to sweat as they keep talking
Let silence be your voice as you keep walking
Leave all your failure back, they belong in history
Push yourself forward with your eyes on victory
You can reach your goal if you don't back down
One day you will turn around wearing your crown
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Heroes
Standing strong when the fight is near
Holding our shields when the fire is fierce
Trying to silence us with pain
By using violence as their aim
But they can't extinguish the fire inside us
Burning with dazzling flame in the darkness
And from everyone of these flames a hero is born
Who were victims at night but warriors by dawn
Their heart still warm though blood is running cold
Holding their weapons as they watch the danger unfold
Standing fearlessly in the face of death
Rising after every fall till their last breath
For heroes are not born, they are made made
From the warmth of a fire and cuts of a blade
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597
Scars
People made fun of him because he cried all day
Not knowing that it's because his mother had passed away
They laughed at him and said "Boys don't cry"
But they never tried to understand the reason why
They talked about her because she gained a lot of weight
But they didn't know that her own body is something she hate
They don't know she had gone without meals for days
Just to get herself a perfect body a perfect face
People are only interested in stories and rumor
From the despair of a person they find humor
No one gives them a chance to explain who they are
As they pull down their long sleeves to hide away their scar
Dedicated to all those who feel that they r not good enough.... You are a blessing
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705
Painted War
Even in the darkness she tried to find light
Tried to find the colours in the city of black and white
When everybody feared the darkness outside
By 7pm they went home to hide
As she stepped out into the moonlit sky
With millions of stars glowing like fireflies
She looked up at the clouds wanting to fly high up there
For underneath the clouds there is a storm she can't bear
She is trapped in a cage and the key is far
As she lives her life in a painted war
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603
Beauty in the dark
The lights went out but they never came back
I forgot all the colours except for black
My visions changed though my memory is the same
As I walked with my shadow through this lifeless game
I started fixing the pieces of my heart that I had lend
Through my eyes are open, the nightmares don't end
Maybe I cared too much, maybe I went too far
But I learnt a lot of lessons everytime I got a scar
I waited for a hand, I waited for a light
But darkness kills it, turning it back to night
I stopped running away from the falling abyss
So instead of fighting I began befriending darkness
I learned that there are no monsters on the dark side
The bright light is where the monsters like to hide
Their devilish face masked with an angel's disguise
As they come between families and friends to cut ties
Because everything thing in light could be fake or made of lies
But beauty in the dark can only be seen with those eyes
That held fear and fought back tear
As they beauty in the light disappear
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