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My old friend...
Hello my old friend, long time no see..
As far as I recall, you've always been in my life..
Out of sight..
Ready to strike..
Hiding in the shadows..
Eager to throw those arrows..
Making a writer out of me..
So that I write what I see..
Years have gone by..
But you are not ready to say goodbye..
Glued to me like my own skin..
Pain, when will you have another victim..
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The last candle...
It's so dark out here..
Even the last candle was blown out..
What am i to do in this darkness..
Who's gonna pull me out of my sadness..
The rain of tears has gone by..
Leaving so much pain behind..
What am I to do with so much rage..
Who's gonna get it back inside its cage..
That weight I'm holding..
Keeps me going..
Yet this life of mine..
No more shines..
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Our story...
" One world observatory" she wrote..
She is THE world observatory...
Three years ago, our path got separated..
In these years I have work endlessly towards one main goal..
Getting back to you...
As your lover, as your student..
Today as nature is taking back what was taken from it..
We, humans, are waking up hopefully..
In this awakening, one thing remains constant..
One truth..
Being still in love with you...
Both a curse and a blessing..
A curse no one could break..
A blessing no one could take away..
"Write your story" she said..
Goodbyes are never easy whether early or late..
You could not phase out what you could not understand...
Your part in my story didn't end that day..
Our story lives inside of us..
People we love stays with us forever...
In every breath I take...
In every thought I have..
In every prayer I do..
In every waking moment of my living soul..
You are remembered..
You are called upon..
You are ever present..
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Trust...
In the end we gonna have to trust that its going to be fine...
That sometimes one need to trust..
And if history repeats itself, there will be a lesson to be learned...
The best way to conquer fear is to face it...
Being paralysed by it, is not gonna help anybody..
To trust is to accept being vulnerable to the unknown...
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Attachment...
There is no such thing as being wiser in matters of feelings...
Sooner or later we get fucked..
Attachment to one we have never seen nor met is one of the dumbest thing one can do..
When done, all it can make is ache..
It hurts after one sided love there is such a thing as one sided attachment...
Walls were made to keep people out..
Yet here we are..
Beautiful while it lasted..
In the end hurting people ought to be wiser...
I almost forgot how it feels to care..
The restlessness, the urge to talk to that soul,the attachment..
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To be loved...
We all want to be loved in some way or the other..
Be acknowledged..
Be validated..
Be accepted..
Be recognised..
Our efforts,our feelings..
Some people are together by habits..
Some people fall apart due to monotomy..
Where does love fits in all of this..
We all have different definitions of love..
Different ways of how to be loved..
Different ways of how to love too..
Yet, love is love..
That unshakeable certitude that yes I feel those butterfly feelings for that person and no one can tell you otherwise..
This is my truth..
The only truth that matters..
We don't get to choose for whom we fall for..
Its call falling for a reason..
We don't get to be loved back either..
It's not up to us..
So we live with it, day in day out..
That someday we might love someone who does..
Or we keep burning for the same soul..
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Unleash the darkness
Sometimes all I want is to unleash the darkness in me..
Holding on so much pain is exhausting..
No one understands, no one seems to care..
No one to talk about it to..
How long should I stay in my misery..
I'm told I seem like someone who has her shits together..
If they knew how much willpower it takes to pretend I do..
I'm so tired of that void consuming me day in day out..
I want to be set free..
Free from caring,free from loving, free from giving a shit about anyone..
Be one with my darkness..
If I'm not meant for love, power it shall be..
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You...
I don't know when I stopped but i did stopped..
Writing about you..
Writing to you..
Writing for you...
You woke that part of me four years ago..
It never fell asleep ever since..
Nor have I..
What sort of creature are you..
You awoke the kid,the teen,the adult..
You awoke the broken,restless, terrified..
You awoke the childish,crazy,fun..
You awoke the driven,loyal,passionate..
So much were dormant until you came around..
I had a plan but you gave me purpose..
I waited those Thursdays like believers would wait for Sundays to attend church, Fridays to attend mosque..
Even today I'm still waiting..
For what exactly, I don't know..
To be worshiped is scary..
What if you err..
What if you have flaws..
What if I don't like the part I didn't get to know...
But what if I love you even more..
Did blocking me really erased me..
Did ignoring me..
Did pretending not to see me..
Are you convinced you don't care about me..
I am not...
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Connection never lies...
Who was I for you to let me in...
Why did you...
Those walls were impenetrable for the likes of me..
Who was I when you took my name when playing cards..
How was my name mentioned in your house if I was a nobody..
I learned to play cards because of you..
So many learned after me thanks to you..
"I have three cats at home seems I have another one here" said you..
I was a strayed...
I am..
Flirtatious was your quality don't regret it..
I am just a hopeless lover wanting to be loved by you..
Maybe I will never know who I was for you..
Unaware you were but both your gaze and actions never matched your words..
Ignore it..
Fight it..
Push back..
Connection once created don't get severed...
Connected we still are...
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Kept alive...
It's not about being stuck in the past...
It's about cherishing what was and what will never be...
It's about those feelings felt at those very moments..
Feelings one can't get back to...
The beauty of unrequited love is that i get to keep those feelings alive inside...
Never fading, never forgotten..
What never was for you..
Was everything to me...
Every smile,every tears shed,every laughter,every anger were deeply felt..
Every bits and pieces of you are kept alive...
Your name is forever written..
In my heart, my soul, my mind and on my body...
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In the middle of the night...
In the middle of the night it's you my heart aches for...
At the sound of rain falling heavily on my window all I can think of is..
Are you listening to those same lyrics as me...
Are you dreaming to its music..
Are you thinking of that time we walked under the rain to your car..
In the middle of the night memories are resurfacing as if they never left..
It was one moment that stayed forever..
You, completely drenched, yet smiling, enjoying it..
Me, completely drenched, mesmerised by that smile of yours...
In the middle of the night it's you my soul wanders off to...
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Nothing forced is worthy...
If there is something i learnt from life, it is:
You can't force something that isn't meant for you..
You can't force love..
You can't force friendship..
You can't force respect..
You can't force loyalty..
And you certainly can't force forgiveness..
If it flows, let it flow..
If not, let it go..
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The vow
I have grown up..
i keep growing up..
However, i have not grown out of you..
I keep meeting new people..some a lessons some a blessing some both..
I have to question what love really is after the break up..
And the answer i keep getting is you..
Miles apart yet so omnipresent..
Constantly in my thoughts..
Constantly being called by those feelings..
I have changed since the first time you saw me & since the last time too..
This..remains unchanged..
Its not my intent to torture you with my presence, feelings, messages, mail...
I don't even know if you are receiving my messages..
We are the mirrors of each other..
Elder to a younger version..
So much alike than different..
Told me once..you loved too..& u wrote too..just it didn't get to him..
Same here somehow..
Guess you lost yourself in pursuing your career & studies..
Same here too..
Yet, i don't regret you..
Truly seeing you..
And loving what i see..
Can't walk away from that..
What i wanted from you has changed to what i want for you..
To be safe..
To be healthy..
To be happy..
To be love..
And to keep that melting smile of yours..
I won't come back if that's what you want..
I won't remind you of that chapter..
But i will always love you from afar..
And that's a truth you & i cannot deny..
We don't choose who we fall for, yet a vow was said & here i am, fufilling it..
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I wonder...
Sometimes i wonder if i made up the good part of the relationship thinking there was good in it despite the odds..
If i was delusional to think there was any good in it..
You made it seems so miserable that i started questioning if i was making it up..
Were you miserable really because of my anger, my expectations, my sexual untamed needs.m.
Or were you miserable because you were dating a woman..
A being you should not be with..
A being your family will never accept you with..
A being so utterly different..
Having to lie to your parents..
Having to hide in public..
Having to lead a double life..
Being with someone you thought constantly there was no future with..
Being depressed about it & about the things i wanted from you which you were struggling with...
I was not understanding & not patient..
Angry bird that i was..
Insecurity and jealousy was around..
Still being miserable was it always about me, about my flaws..
Or being with someone you will never be able to fight for..
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A year before...
So much happened in a year..
Moments of joy..
Moments of sorrow..
Things done that cannot be undone..
Things said that cannot be unsaid..
Two individuals bounded by similaries..
Separated by differences..
Love it was..
Today..
Despite the damages inflicted..
Two stronger and wiser women..
Following their dreams..
There is no market for feelings yet memories and pictures remind us that we've lived, we've loved, we've been loved..
We've hurt, we've been hurt, we've forgave, we've been forgiven..
We've learnt, we've grown..
We've let go...
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Struggle
Struggle is part of life..
Yet, too much struggling makes one exhausted, drained, discouraged..
Struggling to get the good grades..
Struggling to get the job..
Struggling to be independent..
Be it work, be it at home, be it in a relationship..
Always had to prove myself..
To defend myself...
It never gets easy..
I don't recall any job experience where i was at peace..
Always had to thrive..
I love challenges yet too much of it gets to you in the end..
Where does it end?
Does it ever end?
If every experience ask a new version of me then what part of me is left..
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Desire...
You got me turned on thinking about you..
Wanting so much to kiss you right now..
To taste you...
To make you feel how a woman makes love to you..
Savoring every bits and parts of you..
Show you how much you are desired..
How i will never get enough of you in this moment..
I want to love you and make you feel loved..
I want to make you so wet that you asked more of it..
I know i can do it too..
Its not lust, its how crazy you drive me..
Out of sight yet so much desire..
The day i kiss you i will be doom..
Sucking your nipples while hearing you moan...
Tasting your cunt while being so wet...
You have known such desire..
You have been through it..
There is nothing wrong in wanting you..
In loving you..
I can't touch you as i will give in to you..
Im so vulnerable to you..
Yet i have made love to you a million times over..
Im a human being like you..
With a soul, a heart, a body, a mind..
Im a woman like you..
Straight or not..
Bisexual or not..
This is how you have been making me feel those years now..
Why does it feel weird or disgusting when a woman tells you all that?
Will it be the case if a man said it?
Why does it feel wrong to be wanted by me?
It does not feel wrong to me..
However you are..
Whoever you might be..
Those feelings are not changing anytime soon..
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The path to self destruction...
All my life i have wanted to be loved..
Said like this it sounds pathetic but doesn't everyone seeks it? Acceptance?Understanding?Respect?Attention? Those are forms of love too.I never knew i had it in me to stoop so low,to embrace the darkness in me.I have loved so many & lost myself in so many.I had been the victim for a long time and i never realised i would be the abuser today. I knew this was going to be the last time i would love someone as now i can't seem to find any love in me to give. I am not the same either.Its like all the love i had was turned into hot burning fire.And it keeps on burning & burning myself and thyself...
The path to self destruction knowingly or unknowingly is a lonely endless road...
You have survived the unlovable parts of me to tell..
Because i let you see me..
All of me..
I have loved you more than anyone will ever be able to tell you if you ask..
You just could not let me love you as you have your own share of darkness to deal with...
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What is it mean..
What is it mean to work..
For some its a mean to an end..
For others its a must..
What is the difference between a beggar and an unemployed person..
One begs for money and gets it..
The other begs for a job and yet doesn't get it..
A struggling path filled with disappointment, rejections and closed doors..
A job is not just about having a routine to stick to..
To feel normal or belonged to in the society..
A job is about actively participating in the betterment of your country..
Its about doing a change in your company, at your school, in your hospital whatever field you are..
A job is not about money though it is a necessity...
Its about independence..
To be able to stand on your own..
To be a self made woman or man...
Whatever or wherever you work be grateful you have atleast a job..
You never know when it might be taken from you..
No, don't take it for granted..
No, don't become addicted to it..
No, don't exploit people just because you have the power to..
Every kind of work deserves to be respected...
Always enjoy the work you are doing as you might never know who is looking up to you..
To all those unemployed there is a better future ahead..
Don't lose hope..
No matter how unfair it is..
How hard it might be..
How desperate you get..
Keep persevering..
After every sunset there is a sunrise...
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Haunted...
Whoever said letting go is like withdrawal from cocaine is not wrong..
My sleepless nights give me so much nightmares..
I have not eaten a proper way ever since..
I am haunted..
When i see something i tell myself she will love that i shall buy it for her then..
When i read an article i tell myself i should share it with her she might find it interesting too..
When i read a book and i already know she will like to read that book too, she will relate..
When i stay in my room, every single part of it has her stuffs she gave me..
Also the memory of the day she was in this room..
When i think of my birthday now, all i see is her..what she gave me then..
When i watch a movie where there is a particular scene, i relate to that..i go back to memory lane..
Some days i forced myself to get out of the house because i feel im going insane..
Some days i have no where to go but to face it..
I don't know what i miss anymore..
I don't know what i feel anymore..
Some days I'm fine..
Some days i want to burn down everything..
Some days i pretend to be fine..
Some days i want to end the pain..the memories..the feelings..
I don't know where i stand anymore..
I was getting better then i was not..
She is not fine either..
I can't help her because whenever i try i make things worse..
I can't help worrying about her..
She calls it being emotionally dependent..
Maybe i am..
She makes me questions myself..
I make her question herself..
How did we reach here?
How did two people who love each other reached to the extent of harming each other?
So many misunderstandings..
So many fights..
So many hurts..
How can we still care for each other yet destroy each other?
What is wrong with us?
Even our friendship is in peril..
Is there really no way for us to be in each other's life?
Are we so bad for each other that even the friendship is slipping away?
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I am strong...
If i can cry every night haunted by the memory of you..
Then i am strong...
If i can have sleepless nights every night while wanting to sleep..
Then i am strong...
If i can talk to you every single day though i remember what you did to me..
Then i am strong...
If i can love you everyday with every breath i take though you left me..
Then i am strong...
I don't need to hate you to move on..
I don't want to hate you..
I have erred too in our relationship..
Yet i am still here..
And it seems you do not understand why i am still here...
I am not you..
I am not rational..
Though i do recall you saying when it comes to me you are not either..
Yet here we are..
You are not hurting as i am..
You do not remember us as i am..
You are not haunted by us as i am..
You no longer love me as i do..
I do not know if you ever did love me..
Cause i cannot understand how people move on so easily..
Forget so easily..
You keep reminding me you are straight...
Weren't you when you fell for me?
Weren't you when you kissed me?
Weren't you when we made out?
Weren't you when you held my hands?
Weren't u straight when you wanted me as much as i wanted you?
It is funny you keep saying that...
What was i then..
An experiment..
A six months experiment..
So yeah..
I am strong for still wanting you back after what you did to me...
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Regret...
I never truly had any regret in my whole life as i believe regrets make life harder.
Yet this year i came to have one.My one and only..
My biggest one...
To lose the only woman who ever truly loved me...
It took a lifetime of being rejected,used,left to realise that i can be loved..but it was too late then...
For i had lost her...
Now to live without her love has been my punishment ever since...
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Sometimes...
Sometimes i wish i could disappear..
Not be invisible,no that's boring...
Just disappear..
Stop existing..
My existence has not bring much either..
I have known more pain than i should..
More failures..
More rejections..
Sometimes i see my life like a sick joke..
My arrival on earth was a mistake..
Besides animals i do not get along with people much..
I stay on my own as i have seen that humans are the bigger monsters to be around..
Yet,its with the human itself i fall in love with..
Sometimes i wish i could forget...
Who i am..
Who i was..
Who i will be..
Going after goals for what?
A stabilised job?
Have a house of my own?
A car?
My independence?
Then what?
More goals?
Its a miserable routine with no ends..
Or get married,have children,look after them?
Another miserable routine...
So much i wish i could have done differently..
Choose differently..
Die when i should have died..
Its a lonely lonely world..
With creatures ready to swallow you everywhere...
Sometimes i wish i could have some peace...
Peace from everyone...
If they are incapable of love...
Yet, give me peace...
Dysfunctional families really make the worse kind of individuals out there..
Being bullied too..
Being rejected countless times too..
Being not enough..
Being different..
Sometimes i wish i was the monster people believe me to be...
Atleast no one would be disappointed then..
I crawled out from my darkness to stand where i am today yet it seems it was not the right choice to do..
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Creature of the night...
I am a creature of the night..
When the world sleeps, i awake..
Loved by none..
Feared by all..
Misunderstood..
Judged..
In darkness i was created..
In darkness i will die..
Only a monster can love another monster..
This, it is believed to be..
I seek light..
In the shadow..
If im a beast, be my beauty..
If im sick, be my cure..
If im insane,be my sanity..
If im evil, be my angel..
If im dark, be my light..
Oh sweet angel..
You, who has had to deal with my anger..
How i have wronged you so much..
How i seek redemption..
How i love you beyond words..
How after losing you, i realised the cost...
Oh my sweet angel..
How u loved your precious devil then..
You believed in me like no one ever did..
You loved me like none before you..
Today...Tonight..
I love you like every single day since i have met you..
My precious queen..
My bride..
My wife..
My girl friend..
My friend..
My best friend..
My soulmate..
My opposite, pure soul...
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A lover from afar...
Like the sea which has to embrace the shore to meet the sand..
Like the writer who is called by his pen to spill out his imagination..
Like the children who have to come home to feel safe..
Like the lion who knows the forest is his to rule..
Like the student who seeks guidance from the teacher..
Like the lover who worships the beloved..
Social animal we are..
Above all comfort and safety..
All that we seek is to be loved..
Hence we have something to go back to..
A home for some..
A work for some..
A book for some..
A faith for some..
A being for some..
One we miss and love without limits,time,distance..
A lover from afar..
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How i wish...
How i wish...
I could take back the cruel words i said..
How i wish...
I could undo what i have done...
How i wish...
I could take the pain away...
How i wish...
I could make things right...
How i wish...
I did not kill you...
How i wish...
I kept away from you to protect you from myself...
How i wish...
I knew...
How monstrous i have become before barging into your life..
How i wish...
I could forgive myself...
How i wish...
I would have loved you from afar..
So beautiful, yet so doubts..
So brave, yet so fragile..
So kind, yet so misunderstood..
How i wish..
Vish..
I kept my fire for myself..
I kept my pain for myself..
I kept my chaos for myself..
I kept my anger for myself..
How i wish..
I did not destroy you..
How i wish..
I could fix this..
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Solitude...
It was about a man who created a creature from body parts and stitched it together...
It was about a boy who relied on his imaginary friend...
It was about the girlfriend who brought back her boyfriend from the dead..
It was about the masked man who avenged the death of his parents..
It was about the teacher who got herself lost in her job..
It was about the kid who took care of the strays..
As human beings..
As social animals..
We all seek warmth from another human being..
We all want company..
Those who say they do not are lying to themselves..
Solitude it is..
That destroys us in the end..
Stuck with our own thoughts..
Own pain..
Burning..
We think keeping ourselves busy will make it better..
Not think about it..
Not feel it..
Moving pass it..
Until when?..
We might shut off the pain..
What about the memories..
The feelings..
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To give and to take...
To give and to take what a cruel thing to do..
To give love and to take it away..
I wonder now if it was really love..
To fade so soon..
Today,
I did not see myself in her..
She was no more my reflection..
It was someone else in front of me..
People change
What i did not know is that they change very quickly..
Love that was there once, isn't..
Care that was there once, isn't..
The saddest part is i am still in love with her..
No amount of self harm can change that..
Realisation awake..
She is no more the woman i love..
She is someone else..
Something else..
Maybe it is my creation, maybe not..
After all we both did damages to each other..
I am not healed..
I am not over her yet..
She has a rational switch, i don't..
To give and to take away..
How do people do it..
I wonder..
Struggled to hold on..
Struggled to last..
Struggling to let go..
If i knew then,
I would still do it..
To risk everything..
To love someone bound to leave..
To try be better,do better..
Sadly, she was not able to take the fire away..
To give and to take..
So many teachers..
Yet, lesson not learned...
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Do you remember...
Remember the first time we met...
How we ended up having interminable conversations for hours..
Remember our first kiss at Curious Corner...
How scared i was to lose you..
Remember our travel from work to home and vice-versa...
How peaceful we used to be..
Remember us working together...
How people used to marvel at our connection...
Remember despite the daily fights,the anger,the bitterness,the depression,the hurt...
How happy we were together..
Not every unhappy couples made it to six months..
Today it ended...
Do you remember...
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How i miss my girl...
My girl...
She is kind hearted..
She is generous..
She is selfless..
She blushes every time she is complimented..
Then she laughs as she blushes..
She is the best person i ever met..
She always sees the good in people..
She does good everywhere she goes..
Her soul is so pure...
How i miss all that..
Her self doubt get in the way of her worth..
She deserves the best the world has to offer..
She struggles against herself..
Against her family..
Against what she wants & what she needs..
I have lost her..
Everyday is another day i fight to not miss her..
To not want her back..
To not fall apart..
She was my whole world..
That world crumbled after she left..
I have gone back to my sleepless haunting nights again..
I have shut down most feelings..
I try to be what she needs..
A friend..
I don't know anymore where i stand in her life anymore..
I don't feel i have my place there..
To love..
I do love her..
That's how i miss my girl...
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Burning...
I feel so empty..
I miss her..
Its been one day we broke up..
Yet feels like a year..
There is a new beginning in every ending they said..
Since yesterday i have felt only the ending..
I have so much of her in me..
Time spent..
Memories created..
Tears shed together..
Laughter shared together..
I love her..
She loves me..
Yet we had to part ways..
Today i miss her more than anything..
Today i won't be burning her...
Today i will be the one burning..
I wanted a future so much with her..
That i forsake the present..
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This is me...
Today i opened that book,
Cause the timing was ideal..
I told you every book has its time to be read..
In that office you told me i was still stalking..
I never like the word..
Cause i have heard it from another woman i once loved..
Its been a struggling year..
I had to let go..
Not of you but..
Of her..
It does not hurt as much as you do..
It hurts though..
You are that love i could not give her..
I tried as harder as i can..
I was not..
I am not..
Ready to be with someone..
Loving you takes all the space..
I am a beautiful mess..
Hard to handle..
Hard to be with..
Hard to grasp..
Hard to love..
I could never let go of you..
I can't..
Far from sight..
Close to the heart..
I don't know how to love like anyone else..
I love her too though..
She was not enough..
Nor was i enough..
This is me..
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Believe...
Doors closing on me..
Trapped in this lonely dark cell..
Unable to move, unable to cry..
Feels so helpless & useless...
I can't seem to help her..
I don't know what to do..
Desperation gets to me..
I love her so much that i want to be the one she wants so much..
I want to be the one she needs & seeks..
I have failed her..
Anger keeps coming in the way..
I don't know what to do to ease her pain..
She is in pain..
She is struggling..
She is sinking..
How do i prevent her from losing herself..
Sometimes i have nightmares of her taking on her life..
Sometimes i see what the thought of losing her can do to me..
We have our demons..
She tells me often that I'm burning & i am burning everyone around me..
She is burying herself alive & i can't allow that..
I am fire..
She is earth..
Our souls dance together..
Our demons fight each other..
Our love is above all other..
She is the love i have been looking for..
I can't lose her to me nor to herself..
She is stronger than she thinks..
She just has to believe in herself...
I am terrified of not having her in my life..
She has to believe that she can get through..
I love her tremendously..
I need her..
We are in this together...
13
1
454
I miss those...
I miss those times..
The times we were so close..
I miss those kisses..
The kisses which never seem to end..
I miss those gazes..
The gazes we used to lose ourselves in..
I miss those caresses..
The caresses we were passionate about..
I miss all that..
I miss those feelings..
Feeling at the top of the world..
With the one i waited so long to be with..
I miss those closeness we had..
I miss that desire we had for each other..
14
1
491
Loss...
Tell me about your loss..
I can tell you about mine..
People come in & out of my life..
Taking pieces of me & throwing it away...
I have let more people in than i can count on..
I believed in them..
I trusted them..
I had dreams with them..
Then, one day it was all gone..
They took it all away in a blink of an eye..
Losses..
Empty places in my heart..
Pieces of me taken away..
Memories of them stayed..
Haunted me..
If i knew history will be repeating itself i would not have let anyone in again..
People take take take..
Until you have nothing left to give..
Maybe anger..
Maybe bitterness..
But love..
Love is gone..
I lost me in loving her..
I lost her in loving me..
I let her go for her misery lies with me..
I added a new scar to my wound by doing so..
Loss stays forever..
15
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556
Love...
What is love?
Why do people look for it?
Is it really that important?
Does it do more good than damage?
What is love?
Those sleepless nights..
Those countless days crying..
Those restless days & nights..
What is love?
Those daily efforts in vain..
Those sacrifices..
Those changes implemented..
What is love?
Besides pain..
Misery..
Hurt..
Anger..
Bitterness..
Loneliness..
Abandonment..
Show me what love is..
Someone...
Somebody..
Help me..
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554
I'm torn...
I'm so torn..
I don't know what to do..
Is pleasure of today worth pain of tomorrow...
I'm so torn..
I love her so much & yet she is going to leave me..
I'm so torn..
I feel the void coming again..
I feel i am about to crumble..
I feel i am going to fall back in my darkness..
I feel safe there..
I'm so torn..
I love her..
Yet i can do nothing to make her stay..
She was never mine..
I gave her my all..
I committed myself to her..
Yet she is going to leave..
I don't know what to do..
I'm so torn..
Why does this keep happening to me?
Why did i do to deserve this?
Why no one gets to stay?
I'm so tired..
I'm so torn..
Why?
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509
Forgive me...
Forgive me...
For those cold-hearted words i said...
Forgive me...
For i always end up making you cry and sick..
Forgive me...
For i let my anger controls me more than i should have controlled it..
Forgive me..
For letting you down..
Forgive me..
For failing you..
Forgive me..
For being so ungrateful for whatever you do for me..
Forgive me..
For this cycle never seems to end..
Forgive me..
For treating you like that..
Forgive me..
For loving you & yet still not be able to keep you happy..
Forgive me..
For i don't deserve to be loved by you..
Forgive me for i am the beast & you are the beauty who keeps paying the price for that love..
I hate myself for hurting you so much..
You are the only soul that was able to make me better..
You are the only soul that is able to make me want to be better..
I love you...
Forgive me...
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623
Restless...
I can't stop thinking about it..
One minute its all fine then that thought pops up..
She is going to see a guy to get married..
Thought she promised me her answer will be no, i can't stop being restless..
I want her to be happy..
It has always been her dream to settle down with a guy..
I will let her go if she gets what she seeks for..
Im just worried about the shattered pieces of me..
My heart...
It can't handle another heartbreak again..
Im strong but im tired..
I have been a fighter far too long..
Im tired fighting for love..
It feels like im sinking & im trying hard not to..
Life keeps testing me everyday..
My heart is heavy..
I have that weight since yesterday..
I trust her..
Yet im restless..
Feels like im standing infront of a train & hoping it does not hit me...
8
1
539
It was the end...
It was in broad daylight..
I was shivering with fear..
I was scared of her..
Her reaction, her anger, her bitterness..
I could not knock..
I could not go in..
I was not ready..
I think i would have never ever be ready..
But it was today or never..
It was the opportunity to be seized..
I was brave while being a coward too..
Ever since i feel empty..
Finally empty..
Closure maybe..
But no anger,no longing,no hoping..
Nothing...
Just the end of something that never existed..
I am sad..
I am in grief..
I am mourning..
The death of Ru.h..
That's what she used to call me..
I know now where i get the bitterness from..
What has been consuming me..
This will pass with time too..
This new wound..
This final blow..
It was the end of something that never existed..
Which i fantasized a lot..
We never connected..
I was i & she was she..
Doing a kind deed & nothing else..
Today, i was in the office where it all started..
Today, i was in the office where it all ended..
I am sad if that can define what i am feeling..
It was for the best..
We have to bid goodbye sooner or later..
People are temporary,feelings are not...
Sadly...
This was the end..
The end of us..
Goodbye..
7
2
478
Feeling lonely...
Tonight, i feel so lonely..
Sick i am & no one to take care of me..
Busy she is, asleep they are...
Growing up fast i learnt...
Taking care of me by myself became a habit..
But once in a while i would love someone to be here for me when I'm sick..
Lonely i feel...
Sick i am..
In pain i am..
Yet no one at my bedside..
Strong i became, strong i stayed...
Bitter i became,bitter i stayed...
I'm sick..
Even today no one to take care of me..
And i like a fool want to take care of her..
When she herself does not give a damn...
10
3
507
Flowers...
It is not about any flowers...
It was THE flowers chosen by her...
It was THE flowers given by her...
It was THE flowers known to her...
I have known roses all my life...
But THE flowers she gives me are more beautiful than any roses...
They come from HER...
And i look after them as if my life depends on their wellbeing...
I missed them...
The first time she gave me those i fell more deeply in love with her...
I am the kind of woman who believes in flowers and who still loves them...
They were HER flowers...
This is why it is HER i want to be with & no one else...
12
0
533
My diamond...
About her...
She claims to be weird..
Is it weird to think unlike anyone..
Is it weird to be smart..
Is it weird to stand out of the crowd..
My woman,she is...
Gorgeous when she blushes..
Worshipped when she keeps on believing in the good in me & others...
Breathtakingly captivating when she talks about something that hold dear to her..
Her creativity has no limitations...
She is one in the whole galaxy...
She is the first true,kind human being i get to meet & love after years of bad encounters..
Whether she will stay in my life or not..
Only time knows..
But what i know is that she will stay forever in my heart...
It is hard to meet genuine people these days...& now that i have found her..
I am doing my all not to let her go...
She means the world to me..
To be loved by her & to love her is a gift from God..
My woman,she is
My priceless diamond..
My only one...
13
3
559
Sleep...
Sleep where are you when i need you..
You always come unexpected..
Sometimes when you should be here, you are not..
And when you should not be,then you are..
Sleep,i don't get you..
When you are here, you ease my pain..
Yet, when you aren't here my mind craves for you..
Sleep, i need you in bad times as well as good times..
Bad times, to forget the pain..
Good times, to dream about the happiness..
Sleep where are you..
I need you..
I have to forget the pain...
9
1
453
Dear brother..
Dear brother, those are the things i will never tell you..
Dear brother, you have been a nightmare since i can remember..
Dear brother, you have never fulfil your duty as one either..
Dear brother, you broke this family and it was never the same again..
Dear brother, you were never here when i got my first bullying..
My first humiliation..
My first heartbreak..
My first abuse..
My first harassment..
Brother by blood,
Stranger always..
To forgive is beyond my strength..
To forget is impossible..
Brother, do you remember those nights in your room...
When you shut me in the dark & i had nightmares about it..
I was sleepwalking..
Do you remember how a violent man you used to be..
Brother, i never knew you then..
I don't know you, now..
I don't wish to know you..
Brother by blood,
Stranger always...
9
5
475
Mother..
Mother,
Where were you when i needed you the most..
Mother,
Why didn't you come to see me at the hospital when i was a kid..
Mother,
Why did you threaten to kill us when you are the one who gave birth to us..
Mother,
Why were you always so bitter and angry all the time..
Mother,
Why did you punish us for your miserable life you were living...
Mother,
Weren't you suppose to be the home we come to when we are scare..
Weren't you the one we were suppose to look to..
Weren't you the one who was suppose to give love,trust & safety..
Mother,
You failed us..
You punished us for whatever you went through..
You took away from us any chance of a normal childhood..
Mother,
I have only one & none will ever be able to replace you..
I was a kid then..
I was a teenager then..
I am a woman now..
I don't know about forgiveness nor love..
I don't know how to describe our relationship..
But, i have got your honnesty,your generosity,your anger,your bitterness & your strength..
So Mother,
Thank you...
No,the means for raising us weren't right..
Still, we turned out to be amazing individuals,each in their own way...
8
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397
Behind those colours..
See those colours..
YOU are the reason behind them...
See those colours..
Its about the day i had with YOU..
See those colours...
Its the love YOU have for me..
See those colours..
YOU are that colourful butterfly in my life...
See those colours..
YOU are that rainbow in my darkest soul...
See those colours..
Painted with care..
Painted with precise colours..
YOU are what makes my life beautiful...
Your never-ending understanding..
Your never-ending commitment..
Your never-ending effort..
Your never-ending loyalty..
Your never-ending love..
6
1
404
Forgive me..
Forgive me for being so bitter with you..
Forgive me for not acknowledging your effort..
Forgive me for all those cruel words i say without thinking of its impact on you...
Forgive me for scaring you so much..
Forgive me for being so messed up & damaged..
Forgive me for burning you with my fire within..
Forgive me for pushing you away..
Forgive me,because i love you &
i fear to lose you ..
Forgive me,because i am a very complicated woman to be with..
Forgive me,because i never really say what is truly bothering me unless i keep venting out..
Forgive me...
6
2
390
Butterfly she is...
The story of a butterfly..
When i first met her she was half way flapping her wings..
Then i, as a hurricane i took her with me..
Sometimes making her see wonders..
Sometimes showing her chaos..
She is one of those rare ones..
Wise like a wolf..
Patient like a sheep..
Understanding like a dolphin..
Smart like a fox...
Ambitious like a shark..
Fierce like a lion..
Then,one day my hurricane took it slowly away..
She took shelter in her cocoon...
What she doesn't know is her worth..
A butterfly isn't born to stay in her cocoon..
She has to fly..
She has to show her magnificent colours first to herself then to others & trust those strong wings of hers..
She can fly again..
She is enough..
She has what it takes..
She is stronger than she thinks..
She is my butterfly..
Fly,fly,fly high in the sky..
You can go through that hurricane..
I believe in you..
10
5
509
Im so tired...
Im so tired...
Tired of this repeated days & nights..
Im so tired...
Tired of this life with no purpose..
Im so tired..
Tired of working,studying,pursuing goals..
Im so tired..
Tired of loving & trying & failing..
Im so tired..
Tired of doing more & more & getting less & less..
Im so tired..
Tired of being strong & holding on..
Im so tired..
My soul is tired..
My body is tired..
My heart is tired..
My mind is tired..
Im so tired..
I just want to let go..
I just want to open myself up & let go..
I love her but im tired...
Im tired of this constant struggle..
Struggling with life..
Struggling with love..
Struggling with work..
Struggling with studies..
Struggling with responsibilities..
Struggling with pursuing goals..
Im so tired..
11
1
502
Its not anger...
Its not anger that i feel..
Its me dying a slow painful death everyday..
Its not anger that i feel..
Its the void that memories of you left me with..
Its not anger that i feel..
Its the us before and after..
The shattered us..
Trying to make things work...
Its not anger that i feel...
Its hurt..
We love each other...
Yet we were able to break each other..
I don't know what to do..
Is there something i can do..
Is there something you can do..
Will we let what we built crumble in front of us..
Help me help us..
I want to make things right but i don't know how..
I want you to be happy again..
I want to be happy again..
I want us to be happy again..
Its not anger,its me hurting...
7
3
454
Who is she...
She did this to us...
Taking the pills was her choice in desperation..
Maybe the thought was here but i pulled the trigger..
We were so happy then,so in love..
We were so close then,so invincible..
She took the pills & everything changed..
For the worse..
Destroying her..
Destroying me..
Destroying us...
Will we find that happiness back..
Will we find that love back..
Will we ever touch each other again..
Will we be one again..
She did this to us..
Who is she?
Her or Me...
Forgive myself she says..
Should i forgive myself for ruining us?
Should i forgive myself for taking our happiness away?
Should i forgive myself for making you do this to yourself?
Should i forgive myself for losing you?
Part of herself died then,she says..
Part of me did not die with her too then?
Did she think about us then..
Did she think about me..
Did she think what this will do to us..
She killed us..& i killed her...
9
2
505
My friend...
Jackie was his name..
A loner just like me...
Abandoned by his family..
Starved he was..
Food he was always looking for..
Jackie was his name..
Happy he was when he used to see me..
Friendly he was..
Loyal he was..
Fate caught him...
Fate was cruel with him..
Dead he is now..
Dead he will remain..
He will be missed...
He will be remembered..
He will be prayed for..
He will be loved..
A friend he was..
A loyal friend..
He was family..
He was my dog...
8
0
410
It was a bad day...
Today was a bad day...
Words came out like daggers..
Unstoppable was i..
When I'm consumed by it,i become the worse nightmare she ever has to deal with..
Tears were shed..
It was never my intention to hurt her..
Damage was done..
Forgiving she is...
Understanding she is..
Patient she is..
Worthy am i of such love...
6
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464
Thank you...
Thank you for loving me..
Thank you for believing in me..
Thank you for trusting me..
Thank you for being patient with me..
Thank you for choosing me..
Thank you for not giving up on me..
Thank you for not leaving me..
Thank you for believing the good inside me..
Thank you for putting up with the dark side of me..
Thank you for understanding me..
Thank you for the time you give me..
Thank you for your constant effort for me..
Thank you for caring about me..
Thank you for the days & night..
Thank you...
8
4
475
Effort...
Effort she does everyday..
Effort she invests in..
Effort she craves for..
Effort that makes the relationship works..
Effort is what makes her special and worthy..
Effort is what i admire about her..
7
1
589
Why...
Why am i fantasizing about you..
Why do i crave so much for your touch...
Why suddenly are your lips tempting me..
Why do you still matter to me so much..
Why am i so attached to memories of you..
Why do i keep wanting you..
Why do i keep coming back home to you..
Why am i so still in love with you....
6
1
473
What is it about you...
What is it about you that pulls me back to you..
What is it about you that i can't think about nothing else but you..
What is it about you that makes me long for you so much..
What is it about you that i am still under your spell..
What is it about you that i still love you the same intensity when i first met you..
6
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440
